Disruptive, Dangerous...

I'm very open about the fact that I hate having feelings.  I hate myself for having them. They make me too pliable, too wavering and open to manipulation. I've become a doormat because of my feelings, and if I could gouge a knife into my head/heart in order to cut them out, I'd do it without hesitation. I'll give up happiness, joy, excitement, and any other "good" feeling in order to obtain complete and total emotional neutrality. And I'd never miss the feelings, either, because how can you long for something or miss something when you've given up the emotional capacity for longing and missing? Some people have told me how sad belief is. My response is, if you didn't have feelings, it wouldn't be sad.

kiuz645 kiuz645
31-35, M
5 Responses Jul 16, 2010

I agree, only because so far the negatives outweigh the positives.

Then we get jerks trying to one up us by saying something along the lines of: "But there are kids in developing countries who are worse off than you". I tell them to leave nicely first, because they do not understand the meaning of happiness is relative.

Anyways, back to the main point. Even if I do not know how my future is going to play out.. (Who knows I may end up happy), I am quite aware of this. People with a combination of mental illnesses, abuse, substance abuse, never really live that long.

Despite this, I try everyday, no doubt. My world can be taken from me, my hope can be shattered, my vehicle may be broken, but the one thing that's always true to me is I will always fight until my last breath.

ranjii that was very well "spoken". In high school I had written an essay that was essentially the exact opposite of what kiuz645 wrote above. I totally hear what he is saying and I have been there. In fact I've been suicidal and I must say that killing yourself would be the most complete form of ending all feeling. But I wonder if maybe you would understand how I feel in that I want to turn parts of my brain off. I don't know if in my case it's feelings per se but feelings do come into play. I find that my mind is too busy and I 'know" too much, this makes life much more difficult then it really needs to be. I really find that most people seem to live a much more simple existence. I also wonder if that could be part of what atpeacewithme is experiencing. I find that although I get others very few people get me. I seem to be the first person most people run to when they have problems but I find that no one gets me. So when I am in a very low place that just compounds it...

This idea is a very dangerous one, for many reasons. this idea first brings me to express what i understand about hierarchical social organization and control in society.<br />
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Without going into a critical and theoretical response to this, i am just going to ask.<br />
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Is it not easier to control a robot as opposed to a human?<br />
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We should embrace the fact that we have inherit in us as human beings the ability to experience emotions. It is one of the attributes we have that separates us from other forms of life. <br />
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We can understand it, also as a built in sort of mechanism to our survival instinct. For example, the emotion often referred to as love, is kind of a human cohesive tool that promotes the longevity and survival of our being through reproduction, cooperation and social organization.<br />
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This kind of idea is brings me to an understanding that some people are afraid of what they feel. I ask, an explanation of why is it you are afraid of what it is your feeling.<br />
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my emotions are very present within me, it sometimes causes great complication to my existence, on one hand, i rather be without to feel the capacity of certain emotions because it causes some form of suffering or inability to to understand or to be understood. on the other hand, i experience certain emotions that creates an experience that brings me to a very clear and concious realization that life is indeed very much worth living.<br />
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It is exactly emotions that put a validity to my existence, it is much more valued than anything that is provided by the material world, much more valuable than any chemical i can induce into my body in order to achieve a manipulated "feeling". <br />
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LOVE is an emotion, a feeling that is, in my opinion the very thing that makes my life worth living.

I, too, hate having feelings, and especially hate showing emotion. I try hard to maintain emotional neutrality, and in the past couple years, have been mostly successful. I almost never talk about my feelings, because whenever I do, I always end up getting shot down. I guess I'm the type of person nobody "gets", and that's why it is safer for me not to talk about my feelings. There is nothing more frustrating than to discuss feelings with people who don't understand, so I've stopped doing it. Thanks for sharing your story.

i feel the same. i wish i had no feelings.