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Curtails My Life

I find that many of social networking sites nag you for a photo; especially dating sites. I'm so fearful of having my photo taken that I eventually leave such sites.

I think part of my dislike stems from my crazy over-the-top aunt who snapped photos all the time, without asking, and always orchestrated the dreaded family photo. In my early teens I went along with it but eventually I started to resist by looking gloomy. As an adult, I was able to put a stop to most people taking photos of me and go for long and wonderful periods without.

There even was a period of time where I would become violent; especially if someone didn't ask permission first. I've torn film out of cameras, damaged photos and negatives, erased digital images, and thrown cameras into bodies of water. Normally I'm a mild-mannered individual but, when cornered, I snap. (Pardon the pun.) Now I'm more cagey when the camera comes out. In fact, when someone pulls out a camera, I get tunnel vision fixating on the person, watching their every move and calculating counter moves. Sometimes I tell people I will break off a relationship if I have my photo taken without my permission or am bugged too much for one.

I have social anxiety / self-esteem issues that probably contribute to my dislike of photos and videos of myself. I also avoid looking at myself in a mirror unless it's to use it as a tool. Then I almost look right through myself. I also worry about controlling who has access to my photo. In the digital age, this is even more complicated so I resist even more.

I recognize that having a current photo would mean a lot to my family and improve my social life but I just can't muster up the courage to have one taken. I've thought of getting professional artsy ones done in secret and releasing them carefully. However, at this time I'm carefully weighing my options.

(Coincidentally, I was at a major even years ago and the television cameras happened to fixate on me in the crowd. Recently the footage was part of a History Channel documentary and I had friends calling me to tease me about it. What also makes it complicated is I no longer politically affiliate myself with the nature of the event so I had to do some major damage control. Don't worry... It wasn't anything illegal or immoral. I just had a change of heart.)

Thanks for reading.
faithlesslyyours faithlesslyyours 41-45, M Aug 4, 2012

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