Cheap and Quick Last Minute Gifts For Your Girlfriend or Wife That Will Keep You Off the Coach

Listen, I know you're desperate. Time is running out and you haven't a clue nor an infinite budget. Don't even think about making origami flowers or roadside produce. Whether you need a present for your lady friend on Valentine's Day or Christmas, I've got a plan that fits YOUR needs-- and takes into account the stores YOU can get to, be it drug stores, department stores, or (no whammy!) even convenience stores.  Yes. I said it.

If you know me, my feelings about high maintenance girls are clear. So instead of getting gouged with roadside roses that are probably already sold out, standing in line for an hour at Sees to get the stuff people returned from Christmas, or doing what most guys do, which is trying to overcompensate by buying her something outrageously expensive like jewelry, here are some realistic (and dirt cheap) suggestions to save your buttockal region and retain a reasonable chance for a successful evening. Note that this isn't stuff I'd recommend in a regular situation, but something about desperate times and desperate measures prevails.

The main strategy- make it look to HER like you're different and thoughtful (not like those 'other guys') AND delay/defuse the situation until you have time to actually do something nice for the lady in your life. Without further ado, here we go...

At Drug Stores, like Walgreens, Rite-Aid, sav-On, etc. No, no, no, don't go here for the cheapie chocolates wrapped with plastic film. Instead...

1) A Blank Card. Yes, it has to be blank. Start it this way, "I went to multiple stores and couldn't find the perfect card, so I just had to write my own." It doesn't matter what you say after that, she's in. I'm not kidding. The next line could be, "After sleeping with your sister, I realized how amazing you and I are for each other." She's still in. You're in the .0000001% of guys that did NOT buy a card from Target, sign it "Love, Alex" and move on.

2) Scope. Buy the smaller size of one of the girlie ones-- Citrus Delight or whatever, not the industrial strength engine cleaner/mouthwash version. Put it in one of those silly wine bags. When she opens it up, let her get pissed for about 11 seconds (enjoy this-- it's like a controlled blast from the bomb squad where you get to watch something amazingly cool without fearing for your life), then tell her your plans for the evening include kissing her in ways she never imagined and you wanted to have the tools for the job. Cheesy, but if you combine it with a blank card, oh man... you can send me royalties (and pictures)

At Department Stores, like Macy's, Robinsons-May, Nordstroms, etc. The benefit here is no lines and lots of parking, so it's a quicky. 

3) Underwear/Lingerie. Not the pseudo-skankalicious stuff from Victoria's Secret (or the ABSOLUTE WORST PLACE for last minute Valentine's Gifts: Frederick's, where chances are all that's left will be the bra and panty set with the cash and prizes cut out-- NOT A GOOD IDEA to turn your housewife into a ho). Go to Macy's and get her something reasonable but good. One-- it won't be crowded. Two-- the selection will include things other than the teenage crackwhore line (and it cuts both ways-- make sure you don't get any grandma stuff or you'll never hear the end of it). Three-- it makes you look different than all the brainwashed masses going to the same stores and buying the same things-- which you can spin your way. I'm not saying Macy's is the most romantic place to buy lingerie, don't get me wrong, but we're in the bottom of the ninth here, folks.

4) A gift card-- hang with me on this. Normally if you got your girl a gift card for a birthday or Valentine's Day or even Gift Card Day, she would cheat on you the next day, without fail nor regret. BUT here, what you do is you get the gift card, like $50 or $75 then ON THE GIFT CARD write something like, "FOR BIKINI USE ONLY" (or Ski Jacket or whatever). Then tell her you want to take her to the beach (mountains, whatever) when things "are less hectic" and you want her to have the gear she likes. AND you're not stupid enough to try to buy her a swimsuit. See how I pulled this one right out of the grave?

OK, AND if you're REALLY desperate...

At a Convenience Store, AM/PM, 7-11, etc. Oh man, first admit you are in the dredges of society. With that accepted, you can still survive.

5) A Map (or Postcard): Almost every hovel/store, no matter how filthy, has them-- maps of the state or postcards of touristy/romantic places that are 20 minutes away but you've never gone to before. If you get a map, open it (gently), circle some spot you know she'd like to go in marker. A postcard is more obvious. Then put it in an envelope. Grab a (no doubt horrible) bottle of champagne or wine or foot juice. Present them both to her (tell her your favorite bottle was out and you got a little crazy and wanted to remind her of when you were dating and the crap you drank then). Have her open the map and tell her you've planned a weekend getaway to location X in March. Then get cracking, son. You have 3 weeks to plan, and the clock is ticking!
theTruth theTruth
31-35, M
26 Responses Feb 14, 2007

also these ideas are horrible. This is the epitome of last minute pathetic gifts. A gift card??.... really? Might as well pack up

city delights suck balls like you toe jam...

City Delights chocolates are my favorite, you can get them from their website. it is actually a classy gift you could give to your loved ones, no problem

I love this threat, great humor in the way you wrote it! The comments is also the perfect picture on how our relationships work now a days! : Guy writes funny post on the internet, to explain to hopeless guys how to GIVE presents last minute. Angry girls write only to complain about what they are GETTING, from said hopeless guy's.
Clearly she's the victim here.
Girls, a hot topic is equality, should we have these feelings aswell, when we get presents from you? OMG she gave me a t-shirt and its too big, what a looser she is, right?

Nothing better than silly string!!

Are you joking??
Men don't want presents! Firstly it means we have to do better NEXT year when the presents good AND all we want is sex (some kind of which you always have ready available) ..... EASY for women huh!!!

Very nice. Thank you!

charity shops last resort games clothes ornaments shoes jewelery....... or slip some night nurse in a couple of drinks and yell her when she wakes up whatever puts a smile on her pretty little face. love my wife more than chocolate..

"Keep you off the coach"? Perhaps, you mean "Couch"? Though the relationship between a couch or sofa and sports events on TV are readily apparent in most men. <br />
<br />
Well, opportunity knocks when a person misspells or typos a word such as that. Your grammar is otherwise excellent in your post..

this is too much.....dont just crack jokes!!!!

Here's something that you can do in a few minutes... All you need are a few digital photos and they let you create a unique personalised website for the birthday girl/guy. The results are amazing and it's easier than it looks!

but my name isn't alex

Probably not a great place to post this, coz now any female that reads this and has it happen to here, shes gonna kill both of ya.

Truth, do you have some equally brilliant stock market advice to go with this? Lol <br />
Nice tag-teamming Katnap.

WOw. I bet you get all the girls. No really, you are a lier. Just thought you would like to know that. thanks for your time. Your story was intertaining. Much like my spelling i am sure. Joy

All I want to say is thank God I'm married!

Oh Your're Terrible! I enjoyed it

That is so weird my posts keep double posting to other stories.

October 3rd, 2007 at 08:54PM<br />
Katnap that is hilarious.<br />
<br />
Top ten signs you are dating a high maintenance man:<br />
<br />
10. He trims his nose hair.<br />
9. He trims his ear hair.<br />
8. He uses shampoo AND conditioner of the same brand.<br />
7. He uses more than one mirror at a time.<br />
6. He uses a blow dryer with his hair gel.<br />
5. He takes longer to shower than any woman you know.<br />
4. He doesn't like to share his hairspray or his tweezers.<br />
3. He always gets his hair highlighted when he gets a trim.<br />
2. He was the first person in the house to buy pore strips.<br />
1. He keeps his grooming products in a neon caddy.

Top ten signs you are dating a high maintenance girl.

1: You write posts like this.
2-10: -thats it-

"Buttockal area" isn't that classic Leno? And how did my top ten list post here when I posted it on another story. I had to delete it and it only took me 4 trys to get it to post the other story. I thought Fredericks became Victoria's skankalicious?

That's sorta sweet. Pretty hot, actually. I love redneck men. LOL

Brilliant. You should write training manuals for men in relationships.

Top 5 signs that your man is a cheap red-neck:<br />
<br />
1. He brings home a piece of paper folded in half, and hands it to you. And then he goes and puts something cheesy in it like “I went to multiple stores and couldn’t find the right card, but I ****** your sister”. Excuse me while I get horny and ***** naked...<br />
<br />
2. He thinks you don’t know that a small bottle of mouthwash is $2 from Macy’s. Then comes the big surprise: “He’s going to kiss you in ways you can’t imagine”. Yeah, right, like he’s ever once kissed me in ways I could imagine.<br />
<br />
3. He comes home with some other woman’s bra, and he shoves it in the Macy’s bag that used to contain the mouthwash, and presents it as lingerie.<br />
<br />
4. Instead of actually taking you on holiday once per year, he gives you a gift card for a bikini and says he’ll take you next year.<br />
<br />
5. He brings home a post-card of Gary, Indiana with a big circle around it and says “Honey, get ready for the time of your life, we’re going on a road-trip” and then hands you a bottle of ‘So Vin Yon Blank”.

bwhahahahaa<br />
Most witty! And also, very, very sharp. Obviously a smooth operator beneath that classy suit of armour of yours.

OMG, the blank card, and the comment about sleeping with her sister was HYSTERICAL!! Thanks for my morning giggle!!

Thos are really good ideas that can be tweeked for female use too.