Cheap and Quick Last Minute Gifts For Your Girlfriend or Wife That Will Keep You Off the Coach

L isten, I know you're desperate. Time is running out and you haven't a clue nor an infinite budget. Don't even think about making origami flowers or roadside produce. Whether you need a present for your lady friend on Valentine's Day or Christmas, I've got a plan that fits YOUR needs-- and takes into account the stores YOU can get to, be it drug stores, department stores, or (no whammy!) even convenience stores.  Yes. I said it.

If you know me, my feelings about high maintenance girls are clear. So instead of getting gouged with roadside roses that are probably already sold out, standing in line for an hour at Sees to get the stuff people returned from Christmas, or doing what most guys do, which is trying to overcompensate by buying her something outrageously expensive like jewelry, here are some realistic (and dirt cheap) suggestions to save your buttockal region and retain a reasonable chance for a successful evening. Note that this isn't stuff I'd recommend in a regular situation, but something about desperate times and desperate measures prevails.

The main strategy- make it look to HER like you're different and thoughtful (not like those 'other guys') AND delay/defuse the situation until you have time to actually do something nice for the lady in your life. Without further ado, here we go...

At Drug Stores, like Walgreens, Rite-Aid, sav-On, etc. No, no, no, don't go here for the cheapie chocolates wrapped with plastic film. Instead...

1) A Blank Card. Yes, it has to be blank. Start it this way, "I went to multiple stores and couldn't find the perfect card, so I just had to write my own." It doesn't matter what you say after that, she's in. I'm not kidding. The next line could be, "After sleeping with your sister, I realized how amazing you and I are for each other." She's still in. You're in the .0000001% of guys that did NOT buy a card from Target, sign it "Love, Alex" and move on.

2) Scope. Buy the smaller size of one of the girlie ones-- Citrus Delight or whatever, not the industrial strength engine cleaner/mouthwash version. Put it in one of those silly wine bags. When she opens it up, let her get pissed for about 11 seconds (enjoy this-- it's like a controlled blast from the bomb squad where you get to watch something amazingly cool without fearing for your life), then tell her your plans for the evening include kissing her in ways she never imagined and you wanted to have the tools for the job. Cheesy, but if you combine it with a blank card, oh man... you can send me royalties (and pictures)

At Department Stores, like Macy's, Robinsons-May, Nordstroms, etc. The benefit here is no lines and lots of parking, so it's a quicky. 

3) Underwear/Lingerie. Not the pseudo-skankalicious stuff from Victoria's Secret (or the ABSOLUTE WORST PLACE for last minute Valentine's Gifts: Frederick's, where chances are all that's left will be the bra and panty set with the cash and prizes cut out-- NOT A GOOD IDEA to turn your housewife into a ho). Go to Macy's and get her something reasonable but good. One-- it won't be crowded. Two-- the selection will include things other than the teenage crackwhore line (and it cuts both ways-- make sure you don't get any grandma stuff or you'll never hear the end of it). Three-- it makes you look different than all the brainwashed masses going to the same stores and buying the same things-- which you can spin your way. I'm not saying Macy's is the most romantic place to buy lingerie, don't get me wrong, but we're in the bottom of the ninth here, folks.

4) A gift card-- hang with me on this. Normally if you got your girl a gift card for a birthday or Valentine's Day or even Gift Card Day, she would cheat on you the next day, without fail nor regret. BUT here, what you do is you get the gift card, like $50 or $75 then ON THE GIFT CARD write something like, "FOR BIKINI USE ONLY" (or Ski Jacket or whatever). Then tell her you want to take her to the beach (mountains, whatever) when things "are less hectic" and you want her to have the gear she likes. AND you're not stupid enough to try to buy her a swimsuit. See how I pulled this one right out of the grave?


OK, AND if you're REALLY desperate...

At a Convenience Store, AM/PM, 7-11, etc. Oh man, first admit you are in the dredges of society. With that accepted, you can still survive.

5) A Map (or Postcard): Almost every hovel/store, no matter how filthy, has them-- maps of the state or postcards of touristy/romantic places that are 20 minutes away but you've never gone to before. If you get a map, open it (gently), circle some spot you know she'd like to go in marker. A postcard is more obvious. Then put it in an envelope. Grab a (no doubt horrible) bottle of champagne or wine or foot juice. Present them both to her (tell her your favorite bottle was out and you got a little crazy and wanted to remind her of when you were dating and the crap you drank then). Have her open the map and tell her you've planned a weekend getaway to location X in March. Then get cracking, son. You have 3 weeks to plan, and the clock is ticking!