Top Ten Signs You're Dating a High Maintenance Girl
Gentleman, too many of us fall prey to the High Maintenance Girl. And too many of us don't see the warning signs until it is, alas, too late and we have been reduced to snivelling, weak, insecure shells of our true, pre-High Maintenance Girl days. To that end, I present to you my list of Top Ten Warning Signs that You're Dating a High Maintenance Girl. Enjoy. And get out while you still can-- denial helps no one.
Number 10: She wears hats (not baseball caps), especially of the wide-brimmed variety. Nothing screams Luvvy from Gilligan's Island like a damn hat-wearing girl.
Number 9: She ties a sweater around her waist. This one is controversial, but more often than not, a girl who tries to hide her big butt with an expensive sweater is high maintenance. See, what you don't know is that she spent at least 45 minutes adjusting that thing to look perfect. And what *she* doesn't know is that it just makes her *** look bigger by drawing attention to it and adding another couple inches.
Number 8: She loves to order wine with dinner. Listen, eating out is expensive enough, I don't need you to add another $36 for a couple ounces of liquid that you'll inevitably complain about. Truth: the happiest alcoholic moments in any guy's life have NEVER involved wine, so we obviously don't need it. The only reason we have it is to pretend to be sophisticated so high maintenance girls can like us. Lame. Super lame.
Number 7: You get dirty looks if your car isn't spotless, inside or out. In other words, she's embarrassed to ride with you based on the superficial aspects of your car. I'm a busy man and I park my car outside. Washing it today just gives the bird's a more satisfying target tomorrow. I'll wash it for special events or if I become a road hazard, but anything beyond that is a waste of either time or money, neither of which I have in copious amounts.
Number 6: She comments on what you're wearing-- when you thought what you were wearing was totally snazzy. I'm not talking about the guys who wear threadbare clothing or mismatch colors or whatever-- we need to be called out when we do things like that. I'm talking about you wearing a nicely pressed shirt that you're pretty convinced is cool, and she just crushes it with the ever-familiar "Um, what are you wearing?" or my personal favorite, "Where'd you get that shirt?"
Number 5: You're always late wherever you go, mostly because she takes six and a half frickin' hours to get ready, wherever you go. Worse yet, to you, she looks exactly the same at minute 15 as she does at minute 380. Now watch out, because this one turns passive aggressive quickly. Soon, you'll start to notice that she's *especially* late when you're supposed to go somewhere with your family or your friends. But tread with caution, because if you bring it up, you can expect a royal crushing since she'll get emotional and say 'How dare you! I'm just trying to look good for your friends and family because I want them to like me!' Lose-lose situations are so much fun!
Number 4: Everyone can get away with things, except for you. Her family treats her like crap? She's still their lapdog. Her friends totally stand her up? No biggie. But you, my dear friend, better *always* be *perfect*. If you ever bring this up, wear armor. She will say something about how she holds her boyfriend/husband to a higher standard and then you'll somehow look like a jackass even though you're right.
Number 3: You try to do something nice, and she totally misses the point and finds the one possible thing you didn't do right. Surprise her with breakfast in bed and she'll ***** you out for not making her favorite toast. Get her flowers and she'll make some comment about it being the wrong season for the ones you chose. I don't have to give any more examples, because the sinking feeling in your stomach is providing you with visceral reminders already.
Number 2: You have to constantly worry about her at social events. You can't just walk away and chat with some friends without making sure she knows where you are or comes with you. You're always concerned that she's not having a good time-- because she's not. She won't mix with anyone, and all of her conversations are superficial and your friend's all come away thinking she's cold and/or bitchy. You know the most demeaning part of this situation? You can't even go to the bathroom without telling her, lest she start looking for you and not find you for five minutes. You don't want that to happen as you'll get the royal *****-out on the car ride home and she'll threaten to not come to events again. You secretly celebrate that option, but can't show it.
Number 1.5 (had to squeeze this one in there): She refuses to drink water that comes from a tap, even if its filtered. This not only demonstrates high levels of maintenance, it shows that she's basically an irrational idiot too.
And the number one sign you're dating a High Maintenance Girl.......
Number 1: She rains on your parade. Not a drizzle either, but Noah's flood. If you're happy, your girl should be happy. If you're happy and instead your girl finds little snide remarks that on the surface seem supportive but over time actually dig at you, you have yourself a high maintenance girl. Want an example?
"Honey I got a raise"
"Great... now you'll never leave that job."
"Umm... thanks, I guess?"
There's more where this came from. I'm your soothsayer, your truth-bearer. I call it like I see it. Shoot me a line if you want to talk.