I Wish It Would Get Better.....
i hate school in general. when i was growing up my mom was emotionally abusive and made me feel worthless and lonely, i had no friends and when i did make one or two i couldn't keep them for long, i would walk around the gravel Field and pray to god to have friends. and Finlay one day i made a few. then i moved and after that i never had Friends for long. i went to 4 elementary schools and I'm at My 3rd high school. out of my whole 17 years of living, Ive only made 3 Friends. i hated to change schools because no one wanted to be my friend even when i tried to be kind and talk to them, i was also always bullied. i went from physciatrist to docter and everyone in between trying to get help so i could make Friends and not be depressed anymore but it never helped. i dont even know how i managed to get a bf and i feel like i dont deserve him and he should be with someone better. im a very jelouse person because of this and ive never been smart in school. i aways got bad grades but i managed to make it this far ( my last year) in norlmal classes. i changed to my bf's school and i havent made one freind. i know it might have to do with the fact that i spend most of my time with him but i dont know anyone else. there are there girls that smile and wave at me but three of them hate me and dont care that i want to make freinds with thier group. i try to talk to people but im filled with self hate and anxiety i cant be alone or i get scared thats why i spend time with my bf cuz i get scared. his freinds are noticeing to they were talkting to my bf the other day and asked him if i had friends and my bf said no and i would be a loner without him. and its true. i changed so many school because i thought i could make some freinds and have a new start but i cant do that anywhere and now its my last year, whn i was younger and i looked at the girls in highschool i would tell myself i could be like them and happy when i get into highschool but it never happened. i talked to my dad and he said i was just new and it wiould take time but ts been 3 weeks and talking to him lead to an argument about me not being able to make freinds and i told him about a girl that came a week after i did and she already has freinds. its been like that at all my schools, i would come first and someone would come after me and they would make friends in no time and i would be left alone, i cryed in school so much. and out of school, i feel like i want to die. all i ever do is cry. i want to drop out but soemthings telling me not to, ive even gone so far as to get help from the internet on other advice sites with no responses from anyone. i get so jelous of my cousins because thier all so popular and have freinds and go out and all i do is stay home and see them on facebook. everyone tells me " your such a pretty girl, you must have so many friends" and i just sit there like an idot and nod my head yes because i dont want them to think im like a loser. people used to tell me i was pretty but i dont feel like it, i feel fat and ugly and i cant seem to lose weight, an if i do i cant lose my flab. i went from 130 pounds to 105 and now ive gained 3 ponds and i feel so bad about myself. i just want to be like other teen girls. today i made to effort to ask someone if they were new to the school and they just said no and went back to thier business like i wasent even there. that always happens if i make an effort i get slapped in the face. even the 3 freinds i have have so many friends, ones a cheerleader, ones a party animal and one gets along with anyone she comes in contact with. i dont know how i made freinds with them at all. the only advice i get from peopel on websites is to join a sport and come out of my bubble but i cant with so much stress on my mind. ive tried pills for anxiety,stress and sleeping but nothing works. mabie i need to love myself more to have others like me too but i cant do that for somereason and i have no one to talk to about this and im afrid to tell my bf cuz i dont want him to think im a loser and im needy and desperate for friends but i am. i feel like a dog with no bone. those who know my mom say that its because of her i never had a life or friends and those who dont know her tell me its my fault cuz i never made the effoert but how can you when shes so abusive?? i only had 2 choises: listen to her and have a place to stay or fight her and be homeless. shes so rich too, oh btw im indo-canadian and she still runs things the old way which is why my life has been hell. she would call my friends at 12:00 in the morning just to ask them where i was and i was a home all the time, eventually they stopped talking to me. i finnaly moved out with my dad and its been 3 week and i feel like my life is going no where. atleast he gives me a bit more freedom but its no good if i dont have freinds to go out with. all i do is go to school and come homeand stay home on the weekend and go to school on monday and be a loner and hide in the library and then come home. and the worst part is my bf is popular so i feel evenmore like **** for not having freinds. i want to be the hot girl with friends who gose out and has fun and gets good grades like the girls in my grade and the kind of girl people say i look like but i cant andi dont know why. i dont even take care of myslef anymore, i used to put makeup on and do my hair like the other girls and now i stopped because i cant be freinds with them. i feel like once i grad my life will stop, no colledge is going to want me and i wont be able to get a job and not have a life.
im crying as im writing all this, mabie theres soemthing wrong with me and im just to hard on myelfs and i need to stop feeling bad for myself but thats even harder to do. i feel like ive hit rock bottom and im about to give up all hope.
could someone help me? i need it, or im going to go insane.