Hurt

What are you supposed to do

When you hurt so much

That you don’t want to live

But your too scared to die?

What do you do

When all you want

Is to feel alive?

To feel loved?

To feel like you belong?

To feel like you are getting somewhere in life?

What was I supposed to do?

I couldn’t handle the stress…

I couldn’t deal with the pain…

So I found a way to let it all out.

I never knew it would be

The start of my destruction.

The start of secrets and lies.

I thought it would make me better,

I was wrong…

So very wrong…

I began to cut.

I thought it was something

That I could control…

For a while I could,

But after a few weeks,

I became trapped. Hooked.

I couldn’t escape the urge.

The urge to hurt myself…

I feel dead… I feel alone…

Trapped in a never ending cycle…

I’ve been battling this addiction,

I’ve done it for so long.

Wasted twelve years of my life.

No one ever knew, I would always hide.

I would hide behind a fake smile.

My mind is corrupt, broken.

I try to fix it, I try to fight it.

But I always give up and lose.

I can go a few months, even a year or two,

But after that long, it hurts too bad.

It makes me ill, I can’t manage.

I give up, and I hurt myself again.

It never ends. Its always there.

It’s hard for me to open up.

It’s so hard to trust.

I feel so broken,

And I have to ask…why?

Why do people try to help?

They say I’m doing better.

It never feels like it though.

I’m screaming on the inside.

I want out of this.

I hate when I get to the point

Where I am ready to snap.

When I want to snap,

Because if I do, then I get relief.

Then I get to feel alive again.

But it’s an artificial feeling…

And once it’s gone, I’m left empty again.

So I fall back into that endless cycle.

And I get nowhere…

And I can’t get out…

Sometimes,

I feel like I’m going to explode inside

I get upset so easily, I don’t know why

I always want to run and hide.

I want to get away from everything.

I’m so used to having a quick release.

I’m used to being able to numb my pain

I don’t do it because I want attention

I don’t do it because I’m “just overly emotional”…

I don’t know if anyone understands.

I don’t even completely know why.

But I do know,

I hurt, and it’s how I cope.

I don’t do it to die.

I do it to feel alive,

To be able to breathe again,

To ease my mind of racing thoughts

Thoughts of memories,

Things I can’t let go of.

I hate how it dictates my life.

I feel trapped inside my mind.

I sit for hours thinking…

Wondering why I feel the need for it

Wondering how I got stuck in this.

I can’t ever decide if I want out.

Some days I do, others I don’t.

I often feel like giving up.

I feel empty…

I feel unbalanced without pain.

Many times I wonder…

Why do I want to stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why isn’t the love I get enough?

Why isn’t it enough to make me stop?!

Why is it,

That the only reason I try to stop,

Is because it hurts the people I love?

Why don’t I want stop for me?

I just don’t want to hurt them anymore.

Is it selfish of me…

To not want to stop or to fight?

I don’t know, but I always wonder.

Maybe one day I can figure it out.

I know it’s not going to ever just go away.

I will keep fighting though,

Eventually I’ll win…or die trying.

There’s hope, I just have to find it first…

 

 

 

 

DarkSoul6 DarkSoul6
22-25, F
Mar 12, 2010