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Broken Dreams

I spent the last 20 years looking for a man I could enjoy life with and I found him in 2008.  We hit it off right from the start and we were both so happy.  We were together all the time.  Strangers would even comment to us how we were so in love and how happy we looked.  I loved  Scott and would have done anything for him.  We decided we planned to get married and I moved in with him.  We had shared so much together and I had never felt closer to another human being in my life.  In November of 09 I noticed Scott acting differently towards me.  The differences were suttle and I thought he was just stressing out over some personal issues.  When I asked him what was wrong he wouldn't say anything.  He continued to tell me he loved me and things were fun.  Finally, a week before Christmas he tells me he doesn't think our relationship is working and he asked me to move.  I was devasted since I had no idea anything was wrong.  I spent Christmas day moving out of his house.  I begged him to talk to me and least make me understand what went wrong but he wouldn't even talk to me. A few days after moving out I discovered he had been seeing another woman since November.  I was crushed.  I spent the next two weeks trying to understand what happened and begging him to reconsider but he would have nothing of it.  Convinced he had made up his mind I told him I was letting go and accepting that he thinks he will be happier with this other woman.  I told him I wanted him to be happy, that I would be ok, and I needed to move on so that I could find someone to share my life with.  Three days later he shows up at my door crying because he had made a mistake and couldn't imaging life without me.  He said he was sorry and was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together.  I was surprised and confused by this event but agreed to work on it if he would go to counseling.  We have been going to counseling for three and half months now.  He has been very attentive and working hard to repair the damage.  I've also been working hard to forgive.  I'm findind however, that it is not an easy task.  I struggle to keep thoughts of his affair out of my mind.  Sometimes I get so depressed I can't function.  Other days I am grateful for his efforts.  We have a lot of fun together and I enjoy his company.  But, I'm starting to think I have fallen out of love with him.  I just feel so numb and I don't know if I love him or if I'm just so hurt by the affair I can't feel anything.  The counselor tells me it's normal to feel this way but I'm not so sure.  If there is anyone out there who has been through salvaging a relationship after an affair I would love to hear from them. Is the numbness normal or should I accept that my feelings have changed and end the relationship even through we have been working so hard towards repairing it?

dbridgers dbridgers 36-40, F 1 Response May 11, 2010

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I totally understand how you feel. Both my husband of almost 10 years and I have been on the cheating side. It DOES get better, but no it's not the same and unfortunately you will never be able to forget even when you forgive. There will be periods of time where you don't even think about it, then there will be times where it hits you like a freight train and you feel hurt all over again. What you need to decide is if you wholly truly love this man and are willing to move on with this knowledge. If you don't think you want to deal with it for the rest of your life and you don't love him 100%, then maybe you do need to move on. For me, I have three children invested in our relationship and it's not just about us. There are times where I wonder if we'll make it and I know that without the Lord at the center, we surely will not. But I can't fathom leaving him or vice versa and living alone and finding someone else. There's been too much time gone by. Feel strengthened knowing you are nowhere near alone. In time, you will feel better. I promise you that.