From Victim To Survivor...

I've been with my husband for 18 years, we have 4 beautiful children. He has cheated on me with 3 different women... First was 6 years ago with his best friends wife after he suddenly passed in a horrible work accident. They were partners. He slept with the widow twice and thought he loved her. I "forgave" him and decided our marriage was worth saving. A little over 2 years ago, my husband got a job out of town and lived in our trailer, coming home every 10 days for 4. I found out he was having an affair ith a co-worker. I was 7 months pregnant. He quit his job and told me he never loved her. He blamed his drinking. I did too. We moved closer to family when he found another job out of town so I could have a support system while he was away, this time for 2 weeks at a time. He lived in a dry camp where there was no alcohol aloud. I felt better about this and because of our financial strain, figured it was our only option. This past May I found his texts and dirty emails and confronted the mistress. Nothing physical happened so I thought I had beat him this time. He claimed he loved me and we could ork through this. I had nightmares, anxiety attacks and felt uneasy for a long time. On our 18th year anniversary in November, I snooped. Found a new secret texting app on his phone. Busted. They've been sleeping together since July. He's fallen in love. He claims he wants to work it out. He's not working with her anymore, since he's on a different job but according to her, working at a camp job it's the norm. They all do it. NOW WHAT??? I don't know how or where to go from here. I need help but can't afford counselling. I need him home to work this out but we can't afford that either. I'm lost.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

This is too much for you to handle, you do not want to end up broken like me. I have been married for 16 years. My husband started to cheat on me 9 years ago with different women (He got a second phone, purchased plane tickets for his lover, advertised himself with her on site to meet other couples for sexual encounters...).
I am young (he is 11 years older than me) am I beautiful, loving, a good mother, affectionate (I love sex) and I work. I wasn't enough, I found out when I was pregnant of my second child. I was completely chattered, broken. At that time we got seperated for a month. I was so lost and sad, just got a new born (I was so stressed, I did not have breast milk to feed the baby) after that month I begged him to come back home and tried to fix things. Years passed by and I tried to make things work; you can't forget but your heart can heal a little depending of environment you are living with him. I never forgot and from time to time I still have knots in my stomack. I went to counselling (of course, he didn't want to go because there is nothing wrong with him, he says proudly...). Afterward, I got pregnant again, I couldn't go on with it and decided to terminate the pregnancy. I believe that a child should be born in a safe and loving environment because this is what they deserve. My relationship wasn't healthy, there was no respect, no trust. My husband tried to convince me to keep the child, he was nice to me until the day I had my apointment, to see if I would change my mind. I didn't, he drove me at the clinic and never came back to bring me home. I had to come back home after the procedure in a taxi all drugged up. The days were passing by he did not ask me anything, if i was well, nothing. Until now I do not regret it because you know what? He did it again, on purpose because of the abortion I did (He saved his lover name under a male friend I know, so when she was calling his friend's name was showing...). So that was my punisment, again. When I found out I thought I was about to die, it was more painful than the first crisis. He had to call and bring me to a therapist because I was in pieces. He accepted to do a few sessions of counselling but it did not last for long... I realize that I have to put myself first and be strong for my kids. NO ONE DESERVE THAT KIND OF TREATMENT, if there is a problem with your partner, betrayal will not solve it, it will make it worst. I do understand that people make mistakes but not the same one over and over again. That was 1 year 1/2 ago. I did counselling, reading a lot of books about self-esteem (mine was at the rock bottom, non existent) articles, prayers, affirmations, forums, yoga, hobbies (and i got my tubes tied)... Whatever I could do to build myself back and I never cheated on my husband. After all this, I was still willing to work on the marriage but with new boundaries; I was living in a one way relationship, my husband always did whatever he wanted. But he competely turn ice cold on me and neglected me. He said that i do not have anymore respect for him. wow this is not love, I think he never did. I am ready to let go now...
Sorry, this is too long :) anyway, your situation is not easy but you have to think about you and your kids first. If you are a religious person maybe you can seek help in your community? If not, get books, go to forums, you are not alone, seek support, do not isolate yourself. Do not give this power to no one, do not let anyone brake you, be strong. Take care, big hug :)

I'm sorry, I couldn't even read the whole story. It breaks my heart... All i can say is I agree with you and some people just friggin suck! He'll keep doing it, it's a pattern by now... If he ever changes he'll have to make that decision for himself... If you want my advice, focus on yourself. Keep yourself healthy and keep your kids lives as stable as you can... You don't deserve this and you have every right to be upset. Spend time learning about you and take your time deciding what you're response will be. It will be tough so don't beat yourself up. He did this, not you... and you'll have to do all the responsible things that he should be, the harder it gets the more determined you'll become about your decision. Write out your thoughts and feelings. The next day or week, set some time to "edit" your journal: scratch all the irrational stuff but leave the situation, your thoughts and feelings, how you will respond and then the consequence or outcome of each of those actions. This is called SORC therapy and it has been shown to be the most effective counseling technique as far as talk therapy. It will make you feel more in control and ease the stress and sadness over time. Good Luck and Good Skill! (and don't believe everything you hear, just keep the good stuff)