It Still Hurts...

The winds of infidelity are blowing in the media circus... and infidelity again makes another attack on my battered and scarred heart.

I feel so sad for Elin Nordegrun. My heart goes out to her.

I would have thought that I'd be further along on the road of recovery. My heart is far stranger than I realize. It is difficult to reconcile inconsistencies between my head and my heart. I desperately try to make sense of humanity, and the seemingly nonsensical theory of monogamy. But I am digressing.

Answers. We want them all. But what do we do with lies and half-truths, let alone the actual truth? 

Six years have passed. And I still suffer random episodes of doubt and low self esteem. Why do I keep taking the lid off that two hundred pound sack of fecol matter and give my precious attention to it?!?

Late in 2004 I was shocked to discover my wife was having an affair and had had at least two back to back affairs. I was devistated as the pieces of my life crumbled around me that November day! We'd been married 10 years (been together for 7 before that), and we had two children together. I am not 'over it' now. She says she did it because she wanted both "a man's approval and to feel desired". In retrospect, I can see the ever so subtle clues. But she is SO good at deception. Beware of the compartmentalized person.

I played my part in what happened. I emotionally and physically withdrew to 'show' her what it was like to live without what you need - specifically, the lack of sex in our relationship. I tried talking about it with her time and again, but voicing my needs seemed to fall on deaf ears. That's when I pounded the first nail of doom. And somebody else started getting all my good stuff.

We both chose to stay together and try to rebuild. The difficulty, even now, is letting go of all my ideas of what was and allowing the reality of what is sink into my fat brain. I am married to a woman, who for two years, put her own wants and needs ahead of us. I intermitently doubt her fidelity now. Does trust EVER return??? For me, that's the hardest part: to choose to be loyal to her now. Are we playing by the same set of rules? I am considering 'spying' on her to facilitate my deep need to know if she's still keeping secrets... how messed up is that?!! We are, all of us, very sad indeed. I don't think it was supposed to be this way, and love was meant to be a blessing, and not a weapon to be used against us... 

broleon broleon
46-50, M
2 Responses Dec 9, 2009

My dh was unfaithful to me while he was away in Iraq and then again in Korea. He wont talk to me about the details of his infidelity. All i know of it is what i found out on my own through his emails and Facebook. I am still devastated everyday over the loss of love he had for me. I remained faithful. Through the lonely nights and long days waiting for my love to call,email or skype me. Now i know he was busy connecting with them. Weve been married 20 years and have two kids. I pray everyday to be able to have joy in my marriage again. I just keep waiting for it to happen again. Like im holding my breathe.he gets so angry when iquestion him as though i have no right to know the so heartbroken. I know all of your pain. My prayers are with those who who have been hurt by infidelity..

just wanted to let you know that I can relate. I just found 2 weeks ago that my husband had an affair and I have one child and am pregnant with the second. does the pain ever go away? I wonder if I could make it through... it is too new to me and hope that I can work through this. It is not messed up to want to be suspicious. the trust was broken and the answer if it will ever be regained. I am struggling with that same truth. good luck and hope that you find the comfort you need.