It Still Hurts...
The winds of infidelity are blowing in the media circus... and infidelity again makes another attack on my battered and scarred heart.
I feel so sad for Elin Nordegrun. My heart goes out to her.
I would have thought that I'd be further along on the road of recovery. My heart is far stranger than I realize. It is difficult to reconcile inconsistencies between my head and my heart. I desperately try to make sense of humanity, and the seemingly nonsensical theory of monogamy. But I am digressing.
Answers. We want them all. But what do we do with lies and half-truths, let alone the actual truth?
Six years have passed. And I still suffer random episodes of doubt and low self esteem. Why do I keep taking the lid off that two hundred pound sack of fecol matter and give my precious attention to it?!?
Late in 2004 I was shocked to discover my wife was having an affair and had had at least two back to back affairs. I was devistated as the pieces of my life crumbled around me that November day! We'd been married 10 years (been together for 7 before that), and we had two children together. I am not 'over it' now. She says she did it because she wanted both "a man's approval and to feel desired". In retrospect, I can see the ever so subtle clues. But she is SO good at deception. Beware of the compartmentalized person.
I played my part in what happened. I emotionally and physically withdrew to 'show' her what it was like to live without what you need - specifically, the lack of sex in our relationship. I tried talking about it with her time and again, but voicing my needs seemed to fall on deaf ears. That's when I pounded the first nail of doom. And somebody else started getting all my good stuff.
We both chose to stay together and try to rebuild. The difficulty, even now, is letting go of all my ideas of what was and allowing the reality of what is sink into my fat brain. I am married to a woman, who for two years, put her own wants and needs ahead of us. I intermitently doubt her fidelity now. Does trust EVER return??? For me, that's the hardest part: to choose to be loyal to her now. Are we playing by the same set of rules? I am considering 'spying' on her to facilitate my deep need to know if she's still keeping secrets... how messed up is that?!! We are, all of us, very sad indeed. I don't think it was supposed to be this way, and love was meant to be a blessing, and not a weapon to be used against us...