Iowa Is a Godforsaken Waste Land
I. Hate. Iowa. I cannot stress or punctuate this enough. I want to first start out by saying that I don't hate ALL Iowans. I have some very good friends here that I don't know what I would do without. BUT, here is my experience OVERALL:
I moved here several years ago (against my better judgement) because my husband was transferred here for his job. I cannot believe how rude, smug, delusional, judgmental, horrid, fat and energy draining 80% of Iowans are. Customer service is a nightmare if you are dealing with an Iowan. Instead of you paying them for a service they act like they are doing you a favor by even considering taking your money. This is from the high school drop out at the McDonalds, the teller at the bank, waitresses and waiters, retail. Oh my God, don't even get me started on actual skilled laborers. Plumbers, mechanics, carpet la
Bitchy. Bitchy. Bitchy. This is the word that best describes most woman under the age of 50 in Iowa. Most have a sense of humor that can best be described as high school cheer leader. They hate anyone that is prettier, skinnier or does not share the same opinions as them. about anything, no matter how stupid or meaningless. They are even personally affronted if you do not eat the same food as they do. For example, if you bring your lunch to work and you have something exotic, say like guacamole (yes, this is exotic to Iowans), some Iowan will shriek (yes, shriek) "Oh my God! What is THAT!" in a really overdramatic display of disgust. When you smile wanly and calmly explain with a little bit of incredulity that it's just guacamole, they will then look at you like you are a freak and then say loudly "Ugh. Gross. How can you eat that?" as they shovel in a mouthful of some mystery ham loaf or something that really is disgusting, but you have the good breeding and manners to let people eat whatever the **** they want to in peace.
Hall monitors. They want to know when, where, what you're doing and why you aren't doing it the "Iowa way". Yes, I actually had an Iowan use this phrase with me. Someone will notice every. thing. you. do. and then proceed to ask you about it. And it's not in a nice chit chat making conversation or because they legitimately care about you way. It's usually in the spirit of pointing out how badly you suck compared to them.
Ok. I've lived in Phoenix, AZ and visited every single state in this country so I feel like that gives me a pretty good reference point. I grew up in IN. Lived there for 23 years. I have yet to meet a person from IN who will not admit that it sucks to live there. Iowa is even worse, but for some reason, Iowans will defend their homeland to the death as the best ******* place on earth (yes, on EARTH!) despite all rational evidence to the contrary. It has all the pitfalls of any other lame midwestern place (nothing to do, horrible weather, etc.) but Iowans will not admit these short comings and actually try to argue with you about how awesome Iowa is, with talking points such as safety, the people (?????????) and education. Iowans like to describe themselves as "hardworking". This just means that they will consider anyone else who doesn't enjoy shoveling snow out of their driveway for the 15th ******* time in three weeks as weak and lazy.
They LOVE their legislation:
They are constantly passing some bullshit law or making something illegal.
True story: There was an article in the paper about a woman who had one of those rv/camper things. She didn't live in some fancy neighborhood with a HOA or anything like that. This was a run of the mill, lower middle class downtownish neighborhood. Apparently, there is some kind of ordinance against parking rvs in your own driveway (of course there is!) You have to park is behind your house (huh?) or pay to put it in storage. Well, this woman lost her job (and as a side note her son was in Iraq and actually stayed in the camper when he came home) and money was tight so she could not afford to put it in storage. It was parked in her own driveway next to the house and in no way was blocking any kind of view or creating any kind of eyesore (I saw the picture). She had it there is her driveway for like 6 months without any incident. Then one day, some ******* Iowan neighbor actually called the police. Called the police. To report that she had an rv in her driveway. Now, I think rvs in driveways look as trashy as the next person, BUT, I would NEVER call the ******* police on someone for having one parked in their own driveway. Who does that? Seriously? Then the city was suing her to make her move it.
Make sure you don't park your car on east/west running streets, on Tuesday and Thursdays on left hand side between the hours of 3pm and 7pm. Okay, I made that one up, but it's pretty damn close!
They also outlawed people putting couches on their front porches. It's a college town. Who gives a **** what someone puts on their own front porch? Pull the sticks out of your *****! I personally don't want to put a couch on my front porch but I don't give a **** if anyone else does. That's the difference between me and an Iowan.
Iowans cannot drive. I only bring this up because it relates to the whole Iowa personality. It's not good enough for them to follow traffic laws and posted speed limits. Iowa drivers want to make sure that everyone is driving the way Iowans think they should. They accomplish this by going 55mph in the left lane next to a semi. This ensures that no one can pass them going at an unacceptable speed. Iowans do not get over to let other cars merge onto the interstate. I can't really explain or joke about this one. I've seen it a million times. I think, though, that it might have something to do with the fact that Iowans also cannot merge onto the interstate. Iowans actually slow down and sometimes stop when trying to merge onto I-80. This is to make sure you have a better chance of getting hit in the *** by the Kenworth coming at you. Although I have to say, this is kind of like the chicken and the egg conundrum. Which came first? Did Iowans adapt to the unwillingness of other ******** not letting them merge onto the interstate? Or do people not get over because they realize the idiots will just stop?
There is also this thing I like to call the "Iowa turn". This is when instead of slowing down and turning at a normal speed, you actually must come to an almost complete stop before you can physically turn.
You must also wait at least 8 seconds before you move when the light turns green. It doesn't sound like a lot but sit and count...one one thousand...two one thousand...
If you're not looking for a man who is at least 50 lbs overweight (if he is over 25), makes corny jokes, talks incessantly about Hawkeye football, thinks the Outback is gourmet food and anyone who doesn't look like a sorority girl is a freak- then bring your own.
Want to get away from Iowans and this godforsaken place? Well. It will cost you double and you will have to connect a half hour after taking off in Chicago.
The food is horrible. I don't consider myself picky AT ALL. I love food. In fact, I'm packing on the pounds myself lately from the stress of living in this hell hole...but I digress. Good food to Iowans is anything that is tasteless, greasy and made of some type of unidentified meat, sometimes pork. Restaurants have caught on to this and serve ****** food, knowing the Iowans will eat it. I'm not kidding.
People are really uptight in a "you drank before you were 21 so you're going to hell" type way. I consider myself an average middle class person. I graduated from college, I have a family and I am gainfully employed. Don't have any dysfunctions or addictions. I'm 31 so grew up in the 90s. Pretty much everyone I knew drank from the time they were 16 or 17 and might have dabbled a little with drugs in college. No coke binges or anything just, ya know, a little weed, maybe tried some shrooms once or something. Not a big deal. If you tell an Iowan this they will look at you like you just told them you used to dabble in p*orn or prostitution.
On a positive note:
For some weird reason, anyone you meet over the age of 70 is the nicest, most genuine, caring person you will ever meet.
you know, maybe I just have bad luck meeting people. Maybe the people I've met so far (over the course of 8 years) just happened to be crazy or lame for whatever reason and I certainly don't want to offend anyone. I know, of course, that there are Iowans out there who do not fit this disc
Like I said earlier, I have met some people that were born and raised in Iowa and they are awesome friends...but here's the thing...they hate Iowa too. So there you have it.
Oh, and before you post a "if you don't like it then leave" message. We are in the process of moving. yay!!!!!!!!
Update: Yes, I realize if you are an Iowan this story will probably be offensive to you. It's a rant, you know, venting. Here's a tip, if you don't want to read negative comments about your "awesome" state than you probably shouldn't be trolling around an "I Hate Iowa" experience group. Go start an "I Love Iowa" experience group and share your thoughts there.