Why I'm Here ... Part 5

The last four entries were the beginning of Jack and I.  The emotional roller coaster ride we both endured.  The blissful reunion or two souls drawn to one another by something much bigger than each of us could wrap our simple minds around.  I honestly thought the ride was, for the most part, over.  The emotional turmoil at least.  The indecision brought about by moving on with our lives together without first ending our past relationships, hung over heads like a black, daunting storm cloud.  I truely thought we could pull through the sting of what we had ended, and rejoice in what we had found within each other.  Eventually, we did.  But the road to said end was nothing like the fairy tale we started.  It was life.  Real life.  Full of everything life has to offer.  Happiness, good times, laughter, playing, tears, sadness, let-downs, arguements.  Growing pains of any couple.  Two people don't put themselves together, showing their weaknesses, without feeling exposed to the elements of a relationship at some point.  Espicially two people like Jack and myself. 

Jack is forever a teacher, and I'm forever excited in learning.  A pair that, by all practical purposes, should work like a well oiled machine.  Should. 

One thing that has gotten us through many many bumps in this life path with one another is communication.  It was an art form with us in the beginning.  Beautiful.  Over time, somehow, we lost how to communicate.  Or ... we figured out how to avoid emtionally charged discussions. 

The future was an emotionally charged discussion.  I wanted more.  I wanted to be more than just two people helping one another through life.  I, being brought up in a strict religious home growing up, desired and longed to be married again.  Call it pressure from family.  Call it pressure from myself.  Which ever and where ever this pressure came from, I laid it on thick with Jack at times.  Too thick.  I drove a wedge between us, unknowingly.  I thought I was doing us both a favor with being honest.

I left a lot out on purpose.  Two people do not stay with one another for 7 years and not accumulate some crap.  Again ... growing pains.

Jack and I are now at a point where there is no real term for what we call 'us'.  We're not married, but live and act as if we are.  We're not single, but we aren't together.  We each have the oppertunity to continue on with our lives accordingly, without each other.  Yet, we can not seem to bring ourselves to part ways.   Yes, seven years with one another, and we're still not sure.  Go figure!

Jack is the black to my white, the light to my dark, and the ying to my yang.  He's my bestest buddy!  There is no one else on earth I'd rather be stuck in a state of indecision with.  And there is no one else who can compare to Jack in my heart. 

He has dubbed us a room-mates ... which I LOATH.  I get hung up on the term instead of living daily, happily, with a man that knows me better than I know myself. 

It will be a sad, sad day if ever Jack decides to continue his life path without me in it.  I continue to strive to live one day at a time, one step in front of the other, and to NOT look behind, while moving forward.  If I want to reflect on the path that brought us to this point, I am to stop, turn around, and take a moment to scan the area we've covered thus far. 

Hopfully ... him and I can stop and reflect together.  Take one another's hand, look into each others eyes, and continue along life's path side by side, and heads held high.

zencricket zencricket
31-35, F
1 Response May 2, 2007

Great story - was riveted through all parts of it. I'm hoping with you.....