I Just Want to Feel Like Im Living....

...instead of always waiting to live.

 

my whole life has been waiting.

 

As far back as i can remember I have always fought with my parents. I have always been the "bad child" who mouths off, is ungratful, a spoiled brat, evil, and who makes everyone miserable. It has always been like this. I mean I know my parents love me, but they just don't know how to be mature and bite their tounges. Instead, like teenagers who can't control their mouths (mainly my mom more than my dad), they just say whatever mean, bad things they happen to be thinking. This would be bearable, if they didn't do it since I was in Kintergarden!

So, i have always wanted to move out. I worked SO HARD in high school to get perfect grades so i could move out. And i did. I got a full ride academic scholarship after high school!! I moved the day before my 18th birthday, and then 6 months later i was back at home...When i left for school i had so much anxiety from my family that i had developed an ED to cope. I just fell apart and all my emotions came spilling out uncontrollablly. It was too hard to make all new relationships with everyone when I had so much emotional baggage I was carrying around and trying to deal with. I had to tell my parents and when I did they actually told me I was making it up. That i was lying for attention or something. THey told me they didnt want me to come home b/c then they'd have to pay money for me to live there and go to a different school and I was living at my current university for free. Nevermind that I was crying EVERYDAY, was depressed, and barfing up my food 10+ times a day. That didn't matter, what mattered was being "realistic" and thinking about money. Nevermind I was so miserable I wanted to just die...I had finally gotten my chance to leave, the chance i had worked so hard for and then it was all slipping away and i couldnt stop it...all i could do it go back to the home i hated and never wanted to live in again. Go home to parents who were dissapointed in me and to this day who cant acknowledge the fact that I was very, very sick and had no choice but to come home or risk my dying. Yes, dying. My electrolytes were so effed up I could have died.

And now here i am....ED free, but ridden with anxiety to this day. It has been 2 yrs and thankfully im almost done with college so i can get out. But, im miserable everyday. i only have fleeting moments of happiness when im away from home and can pretend i dont live here. I'm just waiting. Waiting to move out. Waiting to start feeling like an actual person. Waiting to fee independent, self-sufficient, and proud of myself for living my own life. I'm just waiting to wake up in the morning and realize that i dont have to deal with my parents and i dont have to talk to them and hear how awful of a daugther i am and how much they wish i wasnt so awful. Nevermind i have a severe anxiety disorder which would put ANYONE in an awful mood.

 

...so that's just my rant. Hopefully i'll be out within the next 6 months....i just want to stop waiting! I want to be content with where i am in my life and not rush through it. I want to enjoy my life and want to lvie every moment of it. Instead, I plan for next week, next month, next year so that i can escape where i am right now and find a way to have hope, even though i have been waiting my whole life...

 

endlesswaiting endlesswaiting
18-21
Feb 25, 2009