At Times, I Hate Myself So Much For Being A Failure In So Many Ways...

I've been married for 16 years and am now going through a divorce. I feel that when people first meet me, they like me, but in
time don't like me. I am a professional graphic designer and have a wonderful 9 1/2 son who I LOVE more then ANYTHING.
I run marathons, (Boston 3 times in a row), 8 in the past 4 years. I win in my age group. I work in the retail industry, and have a verbally abusive husband. I feel isolated from my friends, and at times feel useless. I sleep very well, but HATE getting up in the morning, just another day to get through. I have a plan to kill myself, and I know the waves of emotionally intense pain I go through will eventually lead me into killing myself. It's o.k., cause my husband will take very good care of my lovely son. I'll write a note of good-bye to my family and a dear friend. I just don't have the will to live anymore. Death is like permanet sleep, with no pain. I was raised Catholic, but I don't believe in heaven or hell, just want to die to be relieved of this pain I suffer a lot of the time. It's o.k. I see other couples who are so happy, I get so jealous. I LOVE to work in my gardens so much. I will leave my mark with my son, and the beautiful gardens I've created. I want to disappear, life is too painful to put up with. I think of who will be at my funeral, and oddly enough, the thought is comforting.
mcizzzo mcizzzo
Jul 19, 2010