And My Thoughts Seem To Creep...

Idk everything is jus weird lately. I miss Ann like crazy. But the only time that I miss her is when I don’t have drugs or I haven’t talked to Sami. My addiction is so bad now that I redoes twice a day. Up to 80 to 90mg of oxy every ******* day and the worst part about all of this is the fact that even at that high of a dose.. im still not getting high. Im snorting and smoking heroin. Im still not high. It jus ******* sucks. And now I have no money… im so confused and my life really is being run into the ground by no other then myself. Im my own worst enemy and I cant defeat myself. I just want to go back to the way things used to be… I don’t really want to be this person anymore… but at the same time I definitely don’t want to be anyone else…

I jus want to be high. Get high and see Sami… ann no longer is my mood stabalizer like how she used to be… me and her are not close like that anymore… but Sami is here and now. But sometimes shes super super clingy which I actually love… shockingly… its weird because evreytime I date a guy they get clingy and it makes me hate them because they cling to me. But yet I find myself wanting her to cling to me… idk its ****** up and I jus keep running in circles getting more and more confused as time goes by idk what to do, where to go or who to turn to. I wish to god that it was this time last year… that would really save my life… I want to go back to then. Before everything was so bad. Before I was in too deep. But that cant ever happen and it hurts to think that all the pain im feeling right now could have been easily avoided.

This is how it always happens with me tho, I want nothing more then the past back. The things I once had are the ones I cherish, because the things I have now are nothing and no one. Its sick but I could feel the feelings growing within myself. The way I talk about her, the way my mood snaps when im around her compared to when im not, jus everything about her. I don’t want to be around anyone else but her. And it’s the 30th today and the last time we talked was like 10pm on the 28th and I already miss her like crazy and it hurts me, cus I texted her yesterday morning but she nevre texted back. But me being me I wont text her again now because of the fear of being ignored. It sucks that im like this. All I need in life is either Sami or ann. Money. And pills. That’s all I need to be happy. Someone help me. Please. I love you more then you will ever know, maybe one day ill tell you… but not until you make a move.
Yourmydevilwithin Yourmydevilwithin
18-21
6 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Take up an instrument you admire or a language, maybe both when you have something interesting to concentrate in that you really like it helps. Lose the pills, smoke weed since its less expensive and take it down from there. If you don't like any instruments try drawing, writing or reading. Message me if you feel like it

I'm sorry you're feeling so confused. And i'm sorry that you want the past back, but sadly it isn't possible. You could create a good future though. Or a nice present.
I on the other hand do not miss my past at all. I honestly hate everyone in it, and the past is where they deserve to stay. I have never had an honestly wonderful person come into my life. Maybe i just choose bad people. But anyways, all i can tell you is to keep your head up. Start thinking ahead instead of behind, and i hope one day soon you can quit this addiction, or at least slow down a bit. I hope we both do<3

See its weird almost that i miss my past... cus when i was growing up i lived in a home where my mom was an alcoholic and my brothers dad was as well and i had to watch him beat my mom... its sad i can still see visions in my head when i think about it enough.. it got really bad sometimes. me and my brother used to hide under his bed in those times and pretend we were playing hide and go seek from the monster... at 6 i had to take care of my mom alot and clean up after her when she would pass out... but like my life started to get better when my mom got sober and my brothers dad moved out and my dad moved in. thats when things changed for the better... but then i started doing drugs... i dont know why even, i guess i was jus curious and wanted to have fun. then i met ppl who were doin a bunch f drugs and they werent good ppl. i love them so much and they were terrible to me, not like abusive but they werent reliable and would disappear and wer ein and out of treatment when i made sure i kept myself under the radar so i wouldnt get in trouble. but i miss them so much, when i lost a couple of my close drug buddies i honestly felt like a part of me died when they left. its weird... and then that caused my addictiion to escalate when it wasnt even bad, then i started taking percs everyday jus to ease the pain i felt in their absense and now im here... i ruined a really good future for a high and now in the times when i dont have pills i hate myself for it and wish i could quit but then as soon as i get them i never ever want to change...

wow sorry that was very long. didnt mean to give you my entire life story lol i jus got lost in my own thoughts

That's crazy. My mom was an alcoholic too, and i when i was little i had to take care of her because my parents got divorced when i was like 6. So i can relate to having to grow up quickly and "babysit" your parent when they're too ****** up to take care of themselves. I don't remember much about my childhood though. idk if that's due to my drug use though lol
But i don't think i had a bad life or childhood, i just made bad decisions after i got into my teens, and continue to do so

You're a lier

You are so much damages! people judge you with a reason!

You have acne on your face, i 've seen it! reduce your sex partners and use benzoyl peroxide!

EW. you're a loser for taking pleasuring in kicking someone while they're down. **** up you dirty bastard.

aww thank you dear for having my back :) i appreciate it ireally really do

are there any doctors on cruise? you would not jump to the sea, would you? sounds like you are very sick. which cruise you are on? i can contact the medical staff for you.

your so cool. go bother someone else you, you make no sense. yea im sick i dont need a no body that i would never talk to in my life giving me a bunch of bs