Good Lord Where Do I Start ?????

I married an alcoholic 14 years ago.......I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. At the age of 15 i got pregnant and my parents told me to get out. My two sisters before me did the same thing but moved out of the house as soon as they found out they were pregnant. My mother didnt work she had nine children. My father worked at a factory at night and ran his own business during the day.My mother tried to leave my father several times but always came back.  I had two failed relationships with alcoholics before I had gotten married. I still set and say to myself what the hell were you thinking? I was 23 with three children to raise on my own. I guess I was looking for someone to take care of us.I was a kid I didnt know what love was...but I do know what hate is! I have left twice and was begged to come back. Alcohol is his life its before me the children and its becoming to come before the bills. He thinks I'm an idiot and I'm just being dramatic. No I just woke up and thought I'm ruining my childrens lives. my oldest three have already moved out and have there own lives. My youngest 14 and 10 see whats going on and have even asked him to stop drinking. He says he deserves to be able to do what he wants after a hard day at work. He owns his own construction business, he is a functioning alcoholic. He wont carry insurance on me or the children but he has accidental life insurance on himself. He wont eat my cooking because he says i put stuff in it, so he has to cook or watch me cook. I have to go to the grocery with him , I cant go alone. I feel like I'm trying to hold a family together where there are no seams left to hold on to. I hate him so much...at least twice or more a week i wake up to wet sheets and blankets. Or to him peeing on the floor someplace. Or out the front door on Sunday morning. One morning I got up to a puddle by the door and him laying naked in the living room...I had to rush around and cover him up and clean the mess up so I could get the kids ready for school .I hate him and he knows it. He keeps me from having a job and tells me if I leave I will have nothing and he will keep the kids. Just like my father did to my mother! My mother never got out....how do I ? My brother said if he is a provider than just stay with him. Why should I? I'm not happy. I just want to be happy.
ksjohn ksjohn
36-40
Jul 26, 2010