My Husbands Alcoholism Has Ruined My Life And I Let It
I take in a deep breath as I write this because I just realized that I am writing this for myself and not my husband the alcoholic. I guess you could say that I am codependant and although I don't like the taste of that word, that is exactly what I am and I want out of this nightmare with what little of myself that I have left. I used to think i had the perfect relationship, but now I know that it never really was perfect. Met my husband when I was fourteen and started dating when we were seniors in high school. We got married when we were twenty one. I guess you could say we were social drinkers for the most part we would have a few drinks and then cut if off. Or I would cut it off because he would have just a few more. I didn't really think anything about it until our daughter was born four years later and started drinking on a regular basis. I would say something to him about it and he would brush it off. I didn't mind much because I had this beautiful baby girl to occupy my time and was pregnant with our second child. I didn't really think much about his drinking then when the kids were babies because my hands were always so full and if it gave an already depressed man pleasure to drink then by all means let him drink because atleast then he wasn't bothering me or yelling at me. My husband got a job in law enforcement when our daughter was a few months old and I worked in mental health. Very stressful jobs on both ends and we were both tired and I was pregnant. Our son was born just fourteen months after our daughter and I think that is when my husband started drinking. To be honest I most of my kids baby hood is a hazy fog for me due to being so tired and holding down a full time plus job. I can remember that my husband became very cranky and I would just brush it off thinking it was due to his work. When he drank he became worse. We had horrible arguments and he would spit on me or push me because he said that I never spent any time with him or showed him any attention. My husband had become so dependent on me for every little thing as well. If he needed lunch, he would call me, if he needed a towel while he was in the shower he would yell for me to bring him one. I even laid his clothes out for him because it was just easier than hearing him grouch at me for not having the laundry put away. He did clean house some but it wasn't like he helped every evening or anything. I felt so horrible because he was always so depressed so I would do these little things for him. last year, my husband and i got into a horrible fight due to me not showing him any attention and mangaged to point a loaded gun to his head if I didn't get back out of bed and talk to him. He did this a few times when I refused to fight with him, but due to a friend commiting suicide he does not do this any more. not to mention I don't allow anymore weapons in my home. Why for the life of me I didn't leave his sorry tail then I don't know, but things seemed to be getting better. Little did I know things would get worse. My husband became more depresed last year and since our children were now three and four I was pretty busy. I actually regained some of my life back during that time and started talking to my friends again and having lunch with them. I even managed to go out some evenings with girlfriends sometimes. I was feeling pretty good. I had lost alot of weight and actually didn't feel like I lived in babyland. My inlawas were good to watch the kids if i had to work late or needed sometime away because I couldn't trust my husband to do it. About six months ago my husband became really depressed and blamed me for his depression. He kept repeating that i never gave him any attention and when I would try to explain why he would still manage to make it my fault. I mean who wants to spend time with someone who reeks of alcohol and can't behave in public??? Sex is a chore to me because of the smell of liquor as well as his clumsiness when he is drunk. He now drinks around eight to ten beer a night, and somehow in my mind this became a normal way of life. I mean he wasn't hurting anyone during the last year and he was a good father. We got along fairly well when he wasn't drunk. It had just became part of life and I accepted it. I also accepted that I really did in fact make him depressed and that everything wrong with our marriage was indeed my fault. Well about two months ago I started seeing a therapist due to the feelings of my own depression and the fact that I was doing everything I could to stay away from him. Now I just feel numb where he is concerend and I want to leave. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I dread the drama that comes with leaving as well as the heartache it will cause my kids and all of our families but I have no feelings left for him anymore and I'm finally ready to get on with my life. Thank you for reading in advance. I know this is long.