My Husbands Alcoholism Has Ruined My Life And I Let It

I take in a deep breath as I write this because I just realized that I am writing this for myself and not my husband the alcoholic. I guess you could say that I am codependant and although I don't like the taste of that word, that is exactly what I am and I want out of this nightmare with what little of myself that I have left. I used to think i had the perfect relationship, but now I know that it never really was perfect. Met my husband when I was fourteen and started dating when we were seniors in high school. We got married when we were twenty one. I guess you could say we were social drinkers for the most part we would have a few drinks and then cut if off. Or I would cut it off because he would have just a few more. I didn't really think anything about it until our daughter was born four years later and started drinking on a regular basis. I would say something to him about it and he would brush it off. I didn't mind much because I had this beautiful baby girl to occupy my time and was pregnant with our second child. I didn't really think much about his drinking then when the kids were babies because my hands were always so full and if it gave an already depressed man pleasure to drink then by all means let him drink because atleast then he wasn't bothering me or yelling at me. My husband got a job in law enforcement when our daughter was a few months old and I worked in mental health. Very stressful jobs on both ends and we were both tired and I was pregnant. Our son was born just fourteen months after our daughter and I think that is when my husband started drinking. To be honest I most of my kids baby hood is a hazy fog for me due to being so tired and holding down a full time plus job. I can remember that my husband became very cranky and I would just brush it off thinking it was due to his work. When he drank he became worse. We had horrible arguments and he would spit on me or push me because he said that I never spent any time with him or showed him any attention. My husband had become so dependent on me for every little thing as well. If he needed lunch, he would call me, if he needed a towel while he was in the shower he would yell for me to bring him one. I even laid his clothes out for him because it was just easier than hearing him grouch at me for not having the laundry put away. He did clean house some but it wasn't like he helped every evening or anything. I felt so horrible because he was always so depressed so I would do these little things for him. last year, my husband and i got into a horrible fight due to me not showing him any attention and mangaged to point a loaded gun to his head if I didn't get back out of bed and talk to him. He did this a few times when I refused to fight with him, but due to a friend commiting suicide he does not do this any more. not to mention I don't allow anymore weapons in my home. Why for the life of me I didn't leave his sorry tail then I don't know, but things seemed to be getting better. Little did I know things would get worse. My husband became more depresed last year and since our children were now three and four I was pretty busy. I actually regained some of my life back during that time and started talking to my friends again and having lunch with them. I even managed to go out some evenings with girlfriends sometimes. I was feeling pretty good. I had lost alot of weight and actually didn't feel like I lived in babyland. My inlawas were good to watch the kids if i had to work late or needed sometime away because I couldn't trust my husband to do it. About six months ago my husband became really depressed and blamed me for his depression. He kept repeating that i never gave him any attention and when I would try to explain why he would still manage to make it my fault. I mean who wants to spend time with someone who reeks of alcohol and can't behave in public??? Sex is a chore to me because of the smell of liquor as well as his clumsiness when he is drunk. He now drinks around eight to ten beer a night, and somehow in my mind this became a normal way of life. I mean he wasn't hurting anyone during the last year and he was a good father. We got along fairly well when he wasn't drunk. It had just became part of life and I accepted it. I also accepted that I really did in fact make him depressed and that everything wrong with our marriage was indeed my fault. Well about two months ago I started seeing a therapist due to the feelings of my own depression and the fact that I was doing everything I could to stay away from him. Now I just feel numb where he is concerend and I want to leave. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I dread the drama that comes with leaving as well as the heartache it will cause my kids and all of our families but I have no feelings left for him anymore and I'm finally ready to get on with my life. Thank you for reading in advance. I know this is long.
gynger gynger
26-30, F
14 Responses May 2, 2012

You just managed to sum up my life in a few paragraphs. Or, should I say my until about the age of 35. Im 43 now, a grown daughter and 12 year old son. Im still with the man. You were so smart to end it when you did because it only gets worse.

It is, true, not understanding the basics behind the problem. I am a recovering alco. Yet, you can tno understand te feeligs behind it , mo one (Can), only the person itself. It does not make sense to POST or to THINK too deep inside. you have bigger problems, so dealth first with yourself. MALE and FEMALES are different DO NOT FORGET THAT . I read the stuff AND I DO RESPECT.!!!!!

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First of all,I want to thank prophet Adams for what he has done for me, Am so happy today and i have stopped thinking. After my husband Rick left me for another woman he said i was not good enough and that he hates me, i cried because i really loved Rick with all my heart. Then i decided to come online and look for a spell caster to help me bring back Rick, All they kept doing was to lie and not real. Until God directed prophet Adams to me. At first when i met prophet Adams i was thinking also that his not real, But he told me to give him a chance that what will he gain if he adds more pain to my pain,That all he want his my happiness. So i decided to give him a chance, and he told me that Rick will be back to my arms within 48hours,i said okay truly when prophet Adams casted this spell my lover Rick called me and said he wanted to tell me something i was shocked, He told me that i should forgive him, That he loves me with all his heart and promise never to leave me till the rest of his life. Prophet Adams also told me that ones Rick comes back to me he is going to buy me a gift. Rick Bought me a Brand New Car, And i also had access to his account to prove to me that he will never leave me. You can contact prophet Adams for any kind of help and he will never disappoint you. His email - dradamsjohnsoncentre12@gmail. com

I'm a married woman living happily with three kids and a lovely husband.But wasn't always a bed full of roses for me.I was once married to a man before meeting my present husband.I was compelled to marry my ex husband because my family wanted me to marry a high society man like my dad claimed to be.I never loved him but maybe he did love me but forcing it on someone only pushes the person further away.The love of my life was separated from me because my parents said they were just ordinary in order word he had no money and power.I was always in contact with the love of life but having a relationship with him wasn't possible because i was married but the more i went further from the love of my life the greater the love i felt from him.when my husband discovered that i was still keeping in touch with the love of my life he did alot of things that i can not start talking about.I asked for a divorce and he refused because of the situation that was at hand.After a long while of misery and torments i found a spell caster named BANOJO online through some comment on how i got my husband out of my life.I contacted the spell caster and told him my problems.He gave me a list of materials to buy which i later sent to him in order for him to make the spell.Since then my life has turned around and all my problems has been solved.So if you have that same problem or a similar one you can contact him via email at baba.banojo@outlook. com .Good luck as you do so.

How r things now

Go to
Alanon it will help you a lot I understand how you feel it's so hard I love my guy so much but I don't want to be without him I hate watching him kill
Himself and he is and when he drinks too
Much he's so mean. It hurts me it makes me
Feel so bad I'm a good person I would do anything for him but he's too drunk to feel anything I hate being in competition with something that has no heart or feelings I always look o it for his best interests and would never hurt him I love him deeply but he can't love me back cuz the alcohol the excuses who knows but it sucks

I know you wrote this sometime ago, and i only just read it, but I have been in a similar position but my husband can be very nasty wont go into detail. Trust me get out now as if you dont it will be more damaging to your kids in the future. They will suffer all sorts of traumatic things, seriously go now dont look back be brave.

I am now seperated but living in the same house and its much more peaceful thank listening to that leech.

my life has been a living hell for the past 25 yrs ,iam so glad i have read these stories it has given me some hope ,iam 46 my partner 47 . we never married so i suppose its some what easier for me to get away from this terrible life our daughter has her own life home partner etc . and a very happy life now thankfully . my partner lost his job 10 yrs ago and has never worked since i have now become his carer stupid me leaving my job .it was not the best job but it was a job , i just could not face what i would be coming home to at the end of the working day drunk on the sofa house topsy turvy etc etc, earliar years he use to smash the house up ,lost his drivers licence 4 times been to prison twice . accidently knocked my front tooth out i had to have veneers . he was a bully to our daughter. she actually hates him. and so do i. iam on anti depression tablets for the past 4 yrs also seen a councillor and a shrink, etc etc, i feel like a walking zombie programmed to do everthing he askes and i do ,i have tried to commit suicide without success otherwise i would not be here writing this . i know i have to be very strong and so do all of you deep down i know and all of you know this is not a normal life just a cover co dependant please be strong there has got to be a better life than this although i like some of you feel its been wasted which it has been let this be a new beginig for all of us take care .

Only reading this now have things gotten any better I know how u feel

My life, only for the past 25 years. I was the same way when my kids were small. I just kept myself occupied with them so I didn't dwell on his drunken behavior. I am finally done. Finally got my finances straight to get out. Too bad I couldn't have done it earlier - I'm sure my daughters will need years of therapy, as do I. As much as I despise him, for some reason I have not been able to move on - I guess that is the co-dependency that he created. I didn't consciously enable him, but I guess I have always worked myself to a bone to make sure everything "appeared" to be normal on the outside. I've been ready for a while, but there aren't many affordable rentals in our area and I have to wait for a place that will work for us. The roller coaster has taken it's toll on me and I need to get off. He has had spells of near sobriety, or repenting for a DUI, second DUI, getting fired, etc. We lost everything, house, cars, etc. because of his drinking, he's been verbally and physically abusive, but yet I still stand by his side. That makes me want to vomit. How stupid must I look to everyone around me, especially my children. So he's back on a downward spiral now and I cannot even stand the sight, sound or smell of him, so I know it's time. I'm not mad, sad, or anything, just dead inside. My girls said he is nothing to them because I have always been their mother and their father. I doubt they will have contact with him ever again. They said he brings nothing but grief and disappointment to them, so they lost him long ago. I'm 44 and feel there must be more to life and if I don't make a move now, I never will and will be old and gray and regret that I never found out that there are good things in life. I feel like recently I am suffering from PTSD. We had finally gotten back to some sense of normalcy, new car, new home, etc, and he is back at drinking almost 24/7. The sound of the beer cans cracking open in the middle of the night while I'm asleep wakes me in a fit of rage. I cannot even speak or look at him. He is starting to get abusive again because he sees me detaching so he's getting scared. My kids even tell me that they think he knows something's up and they are afraid he will hurt me if I let him know we're getting out. So we have had to make a plan while he's at work and just do it. I need out. I'm glad I have finally found the strength. His problem is his problem. I cannot fix him, and I refuse to let him bring me down to the bottom with him again. I have recently made many physical health improvements (losing 25 pounds, working out a few times a week, eating better, etc.) so now I need to fix my mental health. Life is too short. I'm sure it won't be easy financially, but neither has living with him. He would rather drink than take care of basic needs for his family, so I already know how to live low. I hope you find the strength to do whatever you feel in your heart is right. I do hear stories of recovery, but my experience has just let to one disappointment after another me and my children. They are the reason I breathe and I just cannot being their parent and treating them the way my husband does, so I hope that by me finally getting out I will show them that you don't have to be a victim.

How did u get on

We r in the same boat! I hope things r going well for u since your last post. It's not easy but it helps to hear we r not alone! Stay strong

Numb is exactly how I would descirbe myself as well. I feel your story is synonymous to mine. The only real difference is that while my husband was "sober" for the last few months, he picked up a new drug habbit. I can't believe I missed that one. A drunk husband is so hard to deal with. I am in the same position as you. Do I leave and feel like I failed the marriage, the family? Or do I stay and honor my vows, "through sickness and in health, good times and bad..." This is just not healthy. Good luck. I'm praying for some to come my way too.

I have contemplated these same things, but I feel as though he failed the marriage and family first, and I have failed the family more by not removing them from the situation.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist. This is going to take time since it took quite a while for you two to get into this situation. If you would like to message me, please feel free to do so, I've been this route before, I know what you're going through.

I understand your concern and have been in this position and to some degree maybe I still am. It's hard when they mean the world to you but reality is they care only about themselves to put you and your family through the mess. I've tried everything with mine and he continuees to lie and hide his drinking which made life worse for me spending a lot of time alone and making me resent him for this.

I'm sorry to hear what your gong though my husband drinks and when he's drunk he yells alot, and not just at me the kids too. But I love him and I know he can change. He finally decided to get help. If you don't love him anymore its not healthy on you or the kids if you stay in this relationship. You need to be honest with yourself and him. I know I'm not one to talk, but I was honest with him and he's welling the get help that's a big step.

I'm so glad your husband is getting help. You wrote this May of last year. Has he one well with his recovery? I've been promised so many times that he'll stop and get help, bla bla bla. It never sticks. Good luck to you in your own situation.