But He Is Such A Good Man...

I love my sober husband, but the drunken one, I hate him!

It started a few years ago after he had some surgery... he started drinking and then he was drinking at work and then it was every day... when he came home we would have terrible fights. He would blame me for everything that was wrong with his life and say the most terrible and hurtful things. The next day he wouldn't remember what he said and would be dismissive of how upset I was from being verbally abused. He was drinking at work and his memory was terrible, he would confuse staff with contradictory instructions and tell them things time after time as he had already forgotten what he just said. Of course as he was the boss they all just let him behave this way! He even had them buying his booze, 3-4 bottles of vodka per week as well as beers etc. Did he think they didn't judge him or notice his alcohol consumption was totally beyond normal?

Finally I couldn't take it any more and we had a kind of an intervention. He never fully admitted to being an alcoholic, even though he was by every definition I could find. He agreed (under duress) to stop drinking for 3 months. Well, he did and then things were better. Although I was never able to have a drink with him after that without getting nervous. We went in to marriage councelling (where he never wants to hear anything about how I was affected by his drinking) and things did improve. He remained in denial, but the drinking was just the odd social occasion and I thought we could live with that.

But, its started again. I have been wilfully not seeing the signs, but he has been drinking at work again, forgetting conversations and other things and fighting with me. He is so inconstant and I am so scared of things getting really bad again. He now admits he may be alcohol-dependant, but thats apparently not an alcoholic! I have no idea what he thinks the difference might be!?! But he is suggesting cutting back. I want him to STOP. I do not think I can go through this again. He wants my support and I love him, we have been together for 15 years, but I am so scared of being so hurt again that I am frozen with fear. He cried on the couch this evening, asking me to love and support him and I just sat there staring at him. He says that cutting back is the best he can do, but I need him to stop altogether. Of course he says I am just being controlling and rigid in my attitude, but I think asking him to stop is reasonable? Either that or I am going to have to consider leaving him. I don't want to as I love him when he is sober, but I hate the idiotic, irresponsible, unpleasant, selfish beast he becomes when he has been drinking!

Why can he not just admit he is an alcoholic and get help, what the f--k is wrong with men that they think they are so unique that there is no group on earth that could possibly be of assistance in their special problem? His problem is not special or unique, its the same problem that all addicts have and there are structured support methods that have proven track records. But no, not my husband, he is far too unusual a case for AA to help him... So he will have to deal with this himself and since he says he is only alcohol-dependant and not an alcoholic then it will be easy... Mmmmm - easy for who? Certainly not for me, or him! And where is my support in all of this? Sorry people, but I am mad. I did not sign up for this. I married a wonderful man that drank socially, I did not sign up for supporting an idiot with a death-wish while he is in denial!

Thank you for reading and for this opportunity to vent my frustration, its not easy to speak about this with friends or family.
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3 Responses Sep 14, 2012

Hello. I hope that your situation has improved. If not, you're welcome to read my story here. I hope it helps you. God bless. http://truefeminismnaphtali.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-taming-of-shrew.html

You are telling my story. I have been with my husand for 40 years. Finally getting the courage to leave has left him completely helpless and he is now in the hospital for a suicide attempt. You can't fix this. It isn't your fault. You can't save him. Enabling him disables you....that is what a therapist told me a few days ago. Now I don't know what to do. I have been away for 3 months and at times it feels like heaven, but my biggest fear is that he will 'pull me back'...he is so strong and knows how to work me. Don't let yourself get into this position. My husband may still win.

I feel your frustration. I have been married 25 yrs. I always thought I could keep a close eye on his drinking. So many people drink without issues or problems. Why can't he? Over the years he makes stronger and stronger drinks. Drinks alone and most recently, was "caught" drinking before noon, alone. Worse, he denied it to my face multiple times. I asked him why he was lying to me b/c I tasted and smelled the alcohol in the glass he left in the sink. He said repeatedly he was not lying. Finally, he admitted it and tried to take the focus off the drinking and onto his lack of a job etc...I then asked him where he hid the bottles. He denied that as well. I insisted he tell the truth because I knew he had some hidden. He finally admitted it was hidden and brought me the empty bottle.
My question is this: How do I trust him again? My world is rocked because of the bold lies directly to may face multiple times. I finally got to the truth but I had to dig for it and be accused of being wrong. He is obviously a good liar. I feel I have lost my best friend. It is like I don't even know him. I do not see good things in our future. He is reluctant to share feelings etc...and I can not picture him in a group setting talking about his addiction. Secondly, I can't keep my eye on him 24/7. How do I know if he continues to sneak alcohol? I wonder if he will have tremors from with drawl. That seems to be the "difference" between an alcoholic and someone with an alcohol dependance. Physical symptoms beget an alcoholic. An alcohol dependent person is in just as much of a mess as well as a liar, just without morning tremors. Yuk. I did not sign up for this either. I bounce between anger and trying to support him. I guess my fear is I will never beat this.