The Never Ending Cycle

I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 5 years now, together for 13 years.We have 3 kids together. He doesn't wake up drinking or even drink every day. He just has no control when he does drink. Earlier on it was more abusive verbally and even physically on a few occasions. Its been awhile since I've stayed awake all night and day wondering if he was going to crash his car and kill himself or someone else or get arrested for DUI or fighting. (Now I only worry for a few hours as he's "mellowed" out a bit.) I'm just miserable with this person. He's never consistently held a job for more than a few months. He's always sick or sleeping. I'm responsible for the bills, food shopping, kids appointments, homework, baths, cleaning, yardwork. I'm the breadwinner carrying the health insurance and my paychecks go to bills, his paychecks- which vary from week to week depending on how many days he's sick- go to himself. (He'll give me cash then take money every day until its as if he's given me nothing). He loves our kids but has never actually listened to or played with them, he is a crappy father that has done them more harm than good. He is an angry person and repeats the same "grievances" I've carried out on him over and over again. I nag and complain and insult, i dont like the way ive become. When I'm fed up I kick him out only to take him back a couple of months later with his promises of being a better man. I don't really believe them, it's just that he has nowhere to go and I'm not completely financially independent and childcare is a great expense. Then very soon after I let him back, the promises turn into threats of leaving because I haven't changed - what a joke!!! He's embarassing: when we do go out to do a family thing it usually ends up with him being drunk, loud, and obnoxious and us fighting. I hate his drunk whistling, I hate how he blasts his stupid music in the car so I can hear him from a block away, I hate his jokes, I hate trying to talk to him (vapid, shallow, general conversations). He doesn't even know me and I don't really know or care to know him at this point. I should've left him years ago. I'm 34, I could find someone that makes me happy. Most if all I feel guilty for staying in a dysfunctional relationship in which my kids are observing two people who do not respect each other and demonstrate conflict and angression rather than love.
Fedupandmiserable Fedupandmiserable
31-35
8 Responses Nov 27, 2012

If you think you cant doit for your own well being, do it for your kids! Best of luck

Your last statement is what upsets me the most about my similar situation. The effect of all this unhappiness and dysfunction on our 9 year old just plain ****** me off. My husband does hold down a great job, does it well, and is the money maker. And he, too, doesn't drink every day. I never know when he will/does. He hides it and drinks randomly. Sometimes a LOT, sometimes just a little. No control over it whatsoever though. I know i deserve a better, happier life with someone who cares about me more than a damn bottle of vodka. You do too! Good luck to you.. this is oddly helpful to read other similar stories and not feel so alone. This is my first day on this site.

It has been a year since I packed all my husband belongings in trash bags and put him out of the house. He has gone through all possible reactions/feelings. first, I was the heartless ugly ***** that trew him out like a dog, then I was crazy, irrational and mean because he did not have a drinking problem, next well....maybe he does drink too much but he will put it under control.
He wants to return to live with us, (me and our 13 yrs old daughter ). He has been to many groups, AA, christians, but does not last in any of them. He refuse to do the proven steps to have a shot at recovering from alcohol abuse. They are AA meetings (or inpatient treatment) , psiquiatric /or psichological treatment, and spiritual counseling and awaikening. He still drinking but lies about it. After a year I almost have given up on the possibility of having him back in our life. I will never forgive me if I put myself in a situation where there is a chance II will see him drunk again !!

My situation is very much like yours.We have been married for 10 years and I have recently kicked him out again.I am very ready for a change. I hope for the sakes of our children that we can both find the courage and strength to break our nasty cycles.Thank you for sharing your story.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. I'm up right now, can sleep because he's bothered me all night trying to pick a fight. I'm at my wits end! I'm praying folr my situation anld now yours. Idk what else to do...

I could have written this! I thought for a second, "have I wrote on this page before and not remembered it?" Except we've been together 6, married 5. And I'm 28. And i just had a baby and no job :(

I recomend you the book Almost an Alcoholic. The problem with alcoholics is not only the damage that alcohol does to them phisically but the damage it does spiritually and emotionally to the person that drink and to the persons close to him, in this case you and your children. Recovery requires a long and very comitted work, it is actually a lifetime commitment first to change and then to keep themselves on track ..... If your husband does not start that road now your life will be misserable and you wil end up dumping him after years of suffering and horrible damage to your children. I am talking from experience.....

I recomend you the book Almost an Alcoholic. The problem with alcoholics is not only the damage that alcohol does to them phisically but the damage it does spiritually and emotionally to the person that drink and to the persons close to him, in this case you and your children. Recovery requires a long and very comitted work, it is actually a lifetime commitment first to change and then to keep themselves on track ..... If your husband does not start that road now your life will be misserable and you wil end up dumping him after years of suffering and horrible damage to your children. I am talking from experience.....

I fear there is little hope for this situation to improve without some sort of outside help. Either through a church group or counseling. If that fails then you must protect your family and put some distance from this cancerous person.