My Husband Is An Alcoholic

we have been together for10 years, living 8, married less than a year. we are in our mid 30's and i desperately want to have a family. i have a condition and naturally it will never happen so we are going through an IVF treatment. However he is a closeted alcoholic and has been every since i met him i think. while dating i have never noticed his issues with alcohol abuse. When we moved in together i was so young and naive that i dismissed all the obvious signs that my partner is an alcoholic (ie; hidden empty vodka bottles, coming home drunk after work, always creeping to take sip from his hidden bottles, few times he fell a sleep in the car after work and never made it home because he was too drunk). i was so naive and so hopeful that he will 'grow out of it'. he comes from a family where alcohol was always available and parents didn't mind that kids drank alcohol. i on the other hand came from a family where alcohol was forbidden so i never really had experience with people that were addicted to alcohol. after year and year of living together i have i guess matured and at that point did a lot of reading to understand what i am dealing with, i have started confronted him about this which always ended up in lies and him denying everything. at first i guess i wanted to believe him and empty promises that he will stop gave me temporary comfort that he will over come his addiction. however time was passing by and he was still drunk or drinking nearly every day. few of my family members have asked whether he has a drinking problem but of course i denied it as i was horrified of what anyone will think of me if they find out i live with an alcoholic, few years ago he has finally admitted that he has an issue with drinking and went to see a counselor for few months but he didn't think it worked so he stopped, so he picked up drinking again. in Jan 2012 he admitted again that he can't help himself and needs professional help, so he went to see another counselor and a therapist and stayed with them for 8 months. there was some improvement, such as he didn't drink everyday but every 2-3 days, but again he stopped going because he determined that he will over come this on his own. in the mean time i have threaten to leave and move out and begged and pleated. I even went to counseling with him and few AA meetings but none of this really worked as I don't think he was truly committed. he is a gentle creature. when not drunk he is the most wonderful and caring person, in the morning when he calls me at work and emails me i feel like i am talking to someone else, not the same person that i come home to who is already after few drinks, when he is sober he agrees and asks me to give him more time that he is working on this and will over come. but when i get home and i see him after few drinks and confront him he becomes cold and often lucks himself in our guest room. i don't know what to do. i love him and want him to get better, yet i feel like he never will as he is in denial. i'm also fearing of being alone. starting things over, I don't really have a place to move out to, so if i do decide to leave we would have to sell our house first. I also really want to have kids and feel like this is my only shot of getting pregnant, if i leave him, who knows when i'll meet someone else and if i will ever remarry in time to try IVF again.
I'm desperate and lonely. I don't know what to do. i have never talked to anyone about this issue as i am too embarrassed,
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 23, 2013

I am that guy in many ways.. I am close to my mid 30's and i am battling an addiction to alcohol.. My wife is a wonderful person who has given me two beautiful boys.. The reason i am reading this is b/c i am at my wit's end. my boys are not old enough to know what is going on, so i am trying to get a handle on this right now.. I know one thing.. Accountability is a major issue.. if he is not telling anyone (but you) or trying to get help.. he is just fooling you

I understand what you are going through. Be brave and do what is right for you. You deserve respect and happiness.

You don't want to live like this anymore. Kids are great but you can be single and adopt. If you have kids with him you won't trust him around the kids.

Please don't have kids. I am speaking on behalf of these unborn children, please don't! It would be the most selfish thing you could do. Children cannot fix a broken marriage or an alcoholic, it's so unfair to want or expect them to. Fix yourself, then your situation, and have them when both parents will commit to them being the FIRST priority. Alcoholics aren't capable of putting anyone else first. Besides your in a living hell why would you welcome anyone else to live it, much less your precious children. Trust me I wish everyday I would have chosen a different father for my kids.

I agree wholeheartedly - you only have to read the posts with titles like "I am the child of an alcoholic" to see how much children from alcoholic families suffer.

I agree. My husband is an alcoholic and I ignored the signs. I did not realize how serious this disease is. I was stupid and thought that after we have children he will change. Our son is 2 and he is still an alcoholic.