NOT Again In My Life
I am 55 years old and have been down this road before with my alcoholic mother. I can't believe I am here AGAIN with my husband of 28 years. Of course he denies that anything is wrong. Most of his days are consumed with alcohol. He consumes the biggest bottles of wine in one evening. Sometimes he drinks 3/4 of the bottle. He can't go anywhere without drinking. Not to the beach, not for a bicycle ride, nothing. He is in total denial about any of this because what he is a functioning alcoholic just like my mom. They get up and go to work, never missing a day off. Meanwhile he is emotionally absent from me. His mood swings are like jeckyl and hyde, and that is even when he isn't drinking. Lately he has become paranoid and thinks the worst of me. I try to kiss him good night and he starts arguing with me, "what do you want, why are you? You are peering over my shoulder. " He refuses to believe that I just wanted to kiss him goodnight. I am lonely. Our sons are grown and out of the house. I told them my feelings and shared this with my spouse, he flipped out. Yelling that I am trying to drive a wedge between them.He never listens to my explanations. That wasn’t my intentions, I wanted them to know why I was planning on leaving their father. I have read everyone’s story and comments, in the past I attend Al Anon when my mom was alive and drunk. It didn’t help me or her. Never in a million years did I think I would be down this road again. My dad stayed with my mom but I can’t with my spouse. This is no relationship for me. I am vibrant, attractive for a 55 year old. I want to feel love and have a good time with a loving partner. I am so tired of crying and feeling alone. Not all of this has been bad but in the past 10 years there is a progression and it is getting worse. He has been drunk or close to it. He gets violent if you irritate him the wrong way. He says he hates me because I told him to stop drinking, it is alcohol or me. Maybe that is wrong to say BUT I am desparate. Too many vacations have been ruined, too many holidays, family functions. My heart has been broken too many times. Go, drink to your hearts content but don’t drag me down in the process. I am not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry for a man who won’t help himself. It helps to vent but I still want to cry.