Can't Stand Her

This may be a long story so bear with me. 

 

I have a friend whom I've known for a very very long time. We went to elementary, jr high and high school together. We're not BEST friends but him, his gf, his brother, my boyfriend and some other friends all hangout together--or we used to. I met my boyfriend through him actually, which I'm very very grateful for. I don't want there to be any question of my intention. Obviously, you guys don't know me personally but I always want what is right for my friends. And I've always been a "guy's girl". I have a lot of guy friends and they all come to me for advice. I'm not a jealous girl so it's not that I have feelings for him. I just want to clear this up so you can focus on what I'm struggling with rather than questioning my intention. Let's call the girl A and the guy J. 

They have been together for 2 years and I met her maybe a year into their relationship. I thought she was cool, so I tried hanging out with her a few times to get to know her better. She seemed cool. Then, they introduced me to my boyfriend so we all started hanging out more. The more I observed their relationship, the more I realized I don't want that. That's a bad sign I think. If they had a good relationship, I'd be happy for them and hope that 2 years later, my boyfriend and I would be like them. 

She is a drama queen while I absolutely hate BS things. They fight ALL THE TIME. They have screaming matches or she yells and he laughs. It's ridiculous. One time, we went on a double date and they fought for 20 min bc A asked J if he'd have some of the Chinese Chicken salad and he said ya but get it without cabbage. So he finished his food, he was full and didn't eat some of the salad. She got mad bc she got it without cabbage and he didn't even eat it. UNNECESSARY.

I know when to pick my battles with my boyfriend. I don't get mad at every little thing and even when it comes to the big things, we don't fight or yell. We discuss and communicate. She INSISTS that I get mad at him for the same things she gets mad at her bf for. My bday fell on labor day weekend and my bf and I decided to celebrate the day before because it was also his cousin's bday and we had school. She wanted to come over the day of to wish me a happy birthday and nagged me for hours as to why my bf wasn't there and how come I wasn't mad. If that was her she would have made her bf feel so guilty, blah blah blah.   I don't care about stuff like that. I'm not gonna be petty and fight over something like that. But that was just an example. When things upset me and I want to vent to her bc she has a bf too, she might understand, her job as a friend is to make me feel better but all she does is unnecessarily fuel the fire. Always looking for more little things for me to be mad about. 

J's cousin and A hate each other. But since J and A spend EVERY waking moment together, she goes to all his family functions. After awhile, J's cousin contacted A to patch things up and talk about their issues. A asked me what she should do, I told her to go and talk to his cousin and her goal should be to diffuse this problem bc J's family is going to be watching her react. If she wants to be with him forever and loves him, she needs to be classy and mature and handle it like an adult. So they talked about it and the cousin afterward friend requested her on facebook and A again asked me what she should do and I told her, just accept it. Don't give her anything to talk about. 

A few month's later it was J's brother's birthday and A was freaking out bc the cousin was gonna be there and she was scared. I said, "I thought you guys talked about it and it's over. What's the problem?" Her response was, "But I blocked her on fb" This is where I got upset bc this is such a stupid situation. You know you're going to eventually see her. Why would you block her? I said, "You know, the only thing you can do at this point is just be cordial when you see her." She said "but I can't be fake. Can you teach me?" This sent me over the edge. I'm a very straightforward person and if something isn't natural to me I can't do it but you have to be an adult. You're not going to love every single person on the face of the planet but you can't brawl with them either. I said you know this isn't about being fake. this is about you being an adult and you yourself are making this situation way more difficult than it is. 

I was already turned off from the behavior. I started to distance myself from her as much as I could. Until a month later, her bf and our friend and I wanted to go eat and she tagged along. And since I can't be fake, I wasn't being "normal" with her but I was still being cordial and respectful. After we parted ways, my friend told me that she started crying. J was mad at me bc "A has never done anything to anyone." Yadda yadda yadda

She called me to talk to me about why, and I missed the call bc I was at dinner I told her I'd call her the next day. She told me she was busy and she would call me Monday and never did. So i sent her a nice email laying everything out in a very respectful way and I told her I want to deal with this and move on. I also told her how I could have easily told J about her "fake" comment but I didn't out respect toward her but she couldn't show me the same respect and leave him out of it too. Had she not started crying, he was never going to notice I was being different. I also told her that she overlooked the entire group dynamic because it wasn't jsut about me and her, it would affect J and I and J's brother with me and my boyfriend as well. 

She said she would call me to talk about it and clear the air. It's been two months and we have yet to have this conversation. 

I cannot stand her or them together bc she is his suga mamma basically. She buys him expensive gifts, nice cigars, expensive dinners. If you take the money out of their relationship, there is nothing left. My boyfriend and I don't make a lot, bc we're still in school, but we enjoy each other's company a lot. I know that money or not, we'd be the same couple. She's very controlling. She always wants him to do what she wants and never let's him spend time with his friends. He didn't get into pharmacy school and she couldn't be happier bc he didn't apply anywhere local. I'm afraid that with this year off he's taking to work, she's going to convince him to keep working and just get married. I'm very worried about this. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know when he's going to realize this and I feel very useless because I can foresee the damage but it's out of my hands. 

I also have some information about her cheating on him early on but I don't know how accurate it is and I don't want to start something just in case it's not true. I've always had strong instincts so my gut is telling me it's true. But the .0009% chance is something I'm not willing to take if it potentially jeopardizes my relationships and my boyfriend's with his friends. 

I don't know what to do. 

 

 

aliceinwonderland97 aliceinwonderland97
22-25, F
Feb 28, 2010