I can remember back in primary school, when I was about 7, thinking about how fat I looked and not wanting to wear a swim suit on holiday because my legs were too fat. When I look back at photographs from that holiday, I was the thinnest I've ever been and I wish now that I could have stayed like that.
When I got to the age of 9 or 10, I actually was fat, I didn't just think it because if I look back at photographs of that time, I do look really big.
So Ive always hated my body and Ive always thought about it Its never got me down so much as it does now though. I'm 20 and I have found the love of my life, he makes everything feel so much better, but it seems my feelings toward myself are worse and I cant figure out why.
People always say to me "wow you've lost weight, your really skinny now" but I just feel as though their just saying that. My mom always says "look how skinny she is" But I just think that's because I'm considerably skinnier than her. My boyfriend tells me that he doesn't think I'm fat and that I'm beautiful, but I just dint believe him at all.
I cant understand how he can look at me naked and say that I'm beautiful and at the same moment I look in the mirror and my body is so ugly. I know people see themselves differently, but that's a drastic thing, its not like I say "oh no my hair looks horrible today" and then he says that he doesn't think it does, that's just a little thing, but my body isn't.
I actually have lost weight, I have been proud of how much Ive lost but when I look in the mirror and see my tummy bulging out and my legs bulging, I realize that Ive still a long way to go.
I doubt that I'll ever feel happy with my body.