I Feel So Alone

I am 20 years old, married with a 2 year old and I hate my body. I weigh 203 pounds and I'm 5'9", my doctor says I am 33 pounds from having a healthy BMI. I am a size 12/14, though I tell everyone I'm a 10. I used to dance and was in my high schools color and winter guard, I was a size 7/8, 163 pounds, healthy and happy. I've always thought I was fat though. Now looking back at it, I would borderline sell my soul to be that size again. I'm so unhappy it's taking over my life. We live with my husbands cousin who is very fit and has offered to bring me to the gym, but I am so overwhelmingly intimidated by him and by the gym. I've started not eating, or vomiting up what I do eat. I cry a lot. I feel so weak and like a cry baby it's crazy. I'm so lost and confused. I really know I need help, but I'm just so desperate to lose weight it's sick. Please, if you feel anywhere near the same, just let me know you're out there.

I've stopped feeling bad for myself. Every morning I wake up at 4am and run. I eat healthy, organic and fresh foods, and have begun feeding my family the same. I plan on starting going to the gym an hour a night very soon. I have a healty and positive outlook on the future, and am extremely proud of that.
krystlekiri krystlekiri
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 18, 2011

I'm glad you put your foot down and are happier now :)

I understand how you feel. Back before I had kids I was skinny, but HATED it!! Now that I'm 30lbs heavier, I would give anything to be skinny again. Looking back.....I was so STUPID !!<br />
It's awful living everyday when you hate yourself. I've hated myself for most of my life. I wish I could change my way of thinking and the way I see myself. I totally understand how you feel.