I Will Never Be Good Enough.Almost every person I've dated or been in a relationship with has not been "good enough" for me, according to friends. I would be blind to our incompatibility until I'd be crying myself to sleep at night, completely miserable and saddened by my unfulfillment. Only now, after years of disappointing partners, I realize that my lack of self esteem fueled my tendencies to choose people that I wouldn't be rejected by.
I have struggled with my body image since the age of 10. I was a normal, if not skinny child, and I never suffered teasing from my peers for the way my body looked, but my father would often comment that I needed to exercise or skip meals. Paired with boys' disinterest in me at school, I felt inadequate and unattractive. Although I was only in elementary, I found myself longing for validation. By middle school, I would wake up early to do hundreds of sit ups and leg lifts. My weight spiked as I entered high school, and not really understanding that it related to puberty, it threw me into hysterics.
I suffered a short stint of anorexia which sparked a downward spiral of compulsive overeating. I still struggle with it today. I maintain a normal weight, partially due to an active lifestyle and days or weeks of not eating enough to balance when I do binge. But I hate the way my body looks. I have stretch marks, flabby thighs, cellulite, a pudgy stomach. A beautiful body covered in fat. When I look in the mirror I see all of my potential. I hate seeing my round face when I could have high cheek bones and a sharp jaw line. I want to love myself, I want to be satisfied with the person I am, but there is nothing attractive about my body.
I am constantly rejected by the people I actually want to persue. They don't call back, they deflect any advances I make for dates, or even just to hang out. I blame my physical attractiveness for the rejection. The rejection in turn makes me shy, agoraphobic at times, and worsens my binge eating. Anybody I have interest in will never be interested in me. If I had a beautiful body at least people would be attracted enough to me to give me the time of day and get to know me. I feel like people judge me before I ever get a chance to show them who I am. I am so miserable, and so lost. . . My eating is out of control, possibly the worst it's been my whole life. Nobody can love me, including myself.