Ongoing StruggleI feel like weight has been something I think about CONSTANTLY for the past 26 1/2 years ( you guessed it...I'm 26 1/2). It all started with...my mom. Her own weight struggles were placed on her children's shoulders. We were only allowed sugar free and fat free everything. Every time I overate, I was called out. I was told to lose weight at 7. The pressure was immense and food was always an issue. Weight was always an issue. My little sister would run laps around the house starting at 4 to lose weight.
In high school, guys never liked me as more than a friend. I'm guessing my weight had a lot to do with it. I wasn't fat and it wasn't that guys didn't like me. It was that I perceived myself to be fat and had no confidence.
In college, due to numerous reasons, I developed bulimia. I lost 20 pounds in a month. It was probably more anorexia, because I ran 8 miles everyday, ate a salad and a bowl of cereal, and still threw those two things up. All of a sudden, all of the guys from high school noticed me. I remember during my freshman year, I went to a New Year's Eve party and three guys I liked during high school all tried to kiss me. They said they never realized how "great" I was. Of course, it was the weight loss. And of course the fact that I was confident and wearing sexier clothes!
So at this point, my negative behavior was being positively reinforced. I decided to keep doing it. And it worked. And worked. I never went long without a boyfriend. If I was in a lull, I would start up the bad habits again, and all of a sudden, a guy would come along. I deluded myself that I only got guys because I was skinny.
Anyways, I met a guy. The last few years, we've been in a secure relationship. I've been in a stressful job and the pounds just piled back on. I was too tired to work out and drank 3 glasses of wine each night.
I saw a video of me teaching this week, and I couldn't believe what I saw. Who was that woman in the video? When did I get FAT? I mean, not chubby or average but FAT?
Now I am committed to looking like I did in college...but will this struggle ever end...