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7 Years Later And Still Fighting Anorexia

When I was 12, I became an anorexic. Plain and simple. Would go a week without eating, was depressed, self mutilated; I was the whole package. It was then that I was placed into a mental institution for an undisclosed amount of time in which I was subjected to copious amounts of group therapy and had antidepressants given to me like candy. Needless to say, I hated life, I hated my body, I hated everything. To me, my body was foreign and disgusting....and truthfully, 7 years later, it still is.

I've recently turned 19, and if you asked me, "Cookie, would you go back to being underweight and anorexic?" I'd say, "yes." This body of mine haunts me and I hate it. During my "recovery" I've struggled continually with eating. Numerous amounts of dieting and an almost "yo-yo" depression have consumed my teenage years and today, I've realized that those years have been a waste. I know it was my decision and choice to do what I did, but media and societies idea of beauty is unrelenting to say the least.

I was bullied because of my weight and I hated that I would never live up to societies standards. Currently, I've decided to begin therapy again. I want to become truly in control of my life and enjoy it. I want to be happy and live life, enjoy being a young adult; to eat a meal without guilt, without enduring the continual torture of every single meal, without having to plan for meals..that's my dream.

Thought I wanted to share my condensed version of my struggle with food, I want to give advice to others going through similar circumstances. No matter what, and believe me, I know how cliche this sounds, nothing good comes from such an illness as anorexia or bulimia. Everyday I look at others that I perceive as 'beautiful' and feel nothing but contempt and sad about myself. As I've grown older, I've realized that there is more to life that superficial beauty that is skin deep. We all are here because we hate our bodies, and I just hope that we can learn from each other.

Because of the anorexia I have terrible self esteem and have done untold damage to the body I hate and have to live with. We need to learn to be grateful for what we have, even if what we have we consider to be ugly.

Anyways, thanks for reading my mini rant. I'll be continuing my fight against my demons and I hope that you took something from my story. Whether it was a realization that you aren't alone or that you can over come all that is against you.

With much love, PsychicxCookie
PsychicxCookie PsychicxCookie 18-21, F Jul 4, 2012

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