I Have No Happy Medium

I'm afraid to eat because I gain so much f-ing weight I work my *** off running everyday and still I have a hideous body I'm tired of forcing myself to eat for the sake of others when it's crushing me inside I want to be smaller I hate the size I am it has nothing to do with clothes size just having fat on my body repulses me I just want to be smaller again my body is repulsive I have no right to eat , no need to eat I can't reveal my body to shower let anone to have an intimate relationship with someone the only time I feel happy is laying on my back eyes closed imagining my boobs gone and the scars and scratches gone from my stomach. It feels like I'm being swarmed by fat I'd rather be boney and confident again than live inside this disgusting outer body. When alone all I want to do is cry I just want this to be over I was happier when frail and close to dying than I am now if anyone can relate message me although I highly doubt it I want to give up. I am 5,5 (I think) and was 6st 12 and happy now I just feel self conscious and huge all the time I can't get any work done properly because I can't think straight and can't relax amongst my fellow students
Unlabelled1211 Unlabelled1211
18-21, T
Sep 21, 2012