Love, Hate Relationship

I've always hated the way I look ever since school. I feel like people's always made fun of my appearance and that's kept me from talking to alot of people. So I was always the quite and withdrawn person. It made me to the point I didn't have any self confidence. And still today I'm like that. There was times I would either meet up with people or get ready to meet up with people and they would find out about my body weight and be totally turned off. Like one time I was talking to this guy on this dating site and we talked for awhile. Everything seemed alright, we had alot in common that it was scarey lol. We texted back and forth and until one day he asked me about my body. And I didn't want to lie but yet I didn't want to tell the truth. I knowed I had to tell the truth eventually because we would meet up and he would finally find out anyway. So I told him I had a few curves but I was in the process of losing weight. Well he didn't care too much for it cause he told me that he didn't want anybody to crush him. But he wanted to meet up anyway to see if we still clicked. Cause he said he wasn't really all about appearance. He wanted me to text him a picture of me and after what he said about he didn't like big girls I was afraid to so I didn't. We met up after awhile and he took me to a Mexican place to eat. He said I was pretty but the way he acted there was something else too. He never would flirt with me and I felt he wasn't attracted to me so I couldn't really flirt back with him. He took me back to his place later on to watch a movie and he still didn't do anything and neither did I. He said later on that evening that he wasn't good on flirting or making moves. But this guy was married for several years. He expected me to make a move and I'm like why me, why do I have to do all the work, I thought if guys were interested they would make a move too? His icebreaker to him was always talking about his ex all the time. So it never worked out. Then the other thing was this other guy I talked to for a couple of days and we was supposed to meet up. He done said what time he was supposed to pick me up and everything. I was done ready to go and he texted me and asked me what size clothes I wear. I didn't lie I told him I like my clothes kinda big and baggy. From then he knowed I was big and after that he didn't want to meet up. So I had to change my clothes and find something else to do that evening. I always felt that's the reason why guys never paid attention to me. But now I'm married and found someone that accepts me for me. That's rare to find people like that anymore. But what bothers me is he's kinda skinny except for the beer gut lol. And I have curves and a muffin top and he's of coarse seen me naked and sometimes it still makes me feel ashamed. I haven't said anything to him about it. And another thing too is I'm big chested and I know he likes that but I really hate it. Because I have to buy shirts and tops a little bigger so I can fit into them and also I have lower back pains and that's the worse part. I wish I could afford the surgery and get them sized down a little smaller, I don't know if he would want that or not but I do. I use to be ashamed of those in school too. I always felt the kids would make fun of me about that too. I use to wear alot of bras to at least shrink them a inch or two and I use to bind them. And the dark circles under my eyes as well. I don't know how to get rid of those but I wish I could. All of this sometimes makes me feel ashamed to show people my pictures and also to have my picture taken too.
tngurl25 tngurl25
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 11, 2013

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I know the feeling. I hate my body too..and I know exactly what's its like when you are in college, surrounded by beautiful girls, and you are all afraid..I am afraid of talking to anyone, even going out with friends, even dress nicely..because I feel everyone would notice how ugly I am and laugh at me...it stops me from participating in a lot of college activities..I am scared of even going to the canteen...

i think people like us would love the way our bodies were if other people wouldn't judging us and saying things to make us feel bad and it's something we'll always remember no matter how hard we try to forget