I've Never Been Good Enough

My whole life... I've always been short... and my weight has fluxuated... I've never been huge or anything... average or smaller... I can see someone who is three times my size in a bathing suit.. and I don't cringe or go "OH MY GOD SHE'S FAT"... but for some reason I always feel people are doing that when they see me.... I'm married.... and my husband says he loves me, which I know he does, and I love him... he says he thinks I'm sexy.... but when I try to proposition sex... I get shot down. Its humiliating.. and does nothing for an already low self esteem for him to turn me down... yet when he wants sex... I'm just supposed to do whatever he wants.... and EVERY TIME he sees a "hot" girl.... he says "Let's have a ********* with her" "lets bring her home"...... If he sees one online/on tv/movies, all he can say is "DAMN" and "OH MY GOD".... but I never get a reaction out of him.... and when I very rarely do... its NOWHERE near that... I hate my body.. I was about 15-20lbs slimmer when we met.... I've gained a lot in the past year or two... I try like hell to lose it.. and I just can't... I know he wishes I was still that size.. I just don't know what to do.... As crazy as this sounds... when I come home and he's jacked off, for lack of not caring for better words.... its always these incredibly hot/sexy women that I will NEVER look like... I get that lots of guys do that... but not all guys have a girl that is wanting sex as bad as they are....

It makes sex unenjoyable if all he does is fantasize about other women, and I'm looking at myself like.... "ew"

I just needed to vent.

ChaoticlyLost ChaoticlyLost
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 11, 2009

Venting is fine, we all must do it at times. For one thing, the definition of "fat" lately has gotten ridiculous. I, personally, have extra fat on my stomach, but only about ten pounds or so. I haven't worn a bathing suit in years, for last time I did, a girl who couldn't have weighted more than ninety pounds said, "God you look terribly huge in that". <br />
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The point is, as the media has engraved this idea of beauty being super skinny with large breasts into the minds of everyone, your husband is probably going to think that without meaning to. You are not ugly. You are not fat. And not every can loose weight easily, it takes a lot of power and time that most people just don't have. Do not beat yourself up for not being the "perfect" woman. Your husband shouldn't expect you to look like those women and he should be bloody pleased that he even has a wife who's easy going towards comments like that. <br />
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If you're really concerned about weight, then just do the simple thing and go for a walk every other day, it helps get rid of petty weight. Don't take crap from your husband, even if he's joking, if it bothers you. Tell him how you feel about the matter, and he'll probably realize that he's been acting like an ***. I wish you luck!