I Hate My Body
I know it's self indulging to sit and complain about your body, but sometimes it's just such an overwhelming and depressing feeling, you can't help but vent. I'm 22 yrs old and 38 lbs overweight. I didn't always use to be fat, but after high school, my PCOS became worse and I started gaining despite how little I ate or how much I exercised. I hate PCOS so much, it makes gaining weight super easy and losing weight super hard. Harder than the average person. On top of that, I've had purging disorder since I was 9 yrs old. I've been throwing up food for years, but I don't binge eat, I just throw up whatever I eat. Sometimes I've thrown up as much as 8 times in one day. I just get really bad anxiety everytime I eat and this fear of being even bigger sets in, because I know my body will store everything I eat as fat. I have stretch marks on every inch. On my inner thighs, my calves, my stomach, my arms, my breasts and my lower back. It seems I get a new stretch mark everytime I gain a pound. I don't think there is anything remotely pretty about my body. I'm overweight, I'm short (5"4), I'm pale, I'm hairy because of the PCOS, I have stretch marks, my breasts are already saggy looking from the weight gain, and there really isn't anything that's beautiful. I jog every single day, 2 mile run/walk in the morning, 2 mile in the afternoon. But it's never enough. I base my entire day around food and exercise. This week, I've gained managed to gain 5 lbs in 3 days. I just hate everything and sometimes the hate and the anxiety gets so bad, I don't leave my house. I don't want people to see me. Ever. I see so many pictures of beautiful girls, not just TV and magazine, all over the internet of normal, beautiful girls, and I just want to cry. I try and I try and my body just hates me. Anyways that's about it. :(
