I've Always Hated My Body

 From the time that I was 12, I've had issues with my body, (which is to be expected in today's society with the media telling you what is and what is not attractive) but with me, it was especially difficult to deal with typical self image issues.  I began gaining weight fast when I was approximately 11 or 12 (when I started menstruating), even though I was very active; and as I started gaining weight uncontrollably, I would be teased at school and tormented by family members about what I was eating and how I looked, etc.  I was basically an outcast in Middle School because not only was I overweight, but I was known as one of the uglier girls in school because I didn't know how to style my hair, so it was frizzy, my parents didn't make much money so I didn't always have the best clothes, and I had acne... and the acne wasn't just on my face, but all over my body as well.  Every time I look in the mirror, still 'til this day, I constantly critique myself and downgrade myself because of how hideous I feel and I always wish that I could be that "pretty" girl that gets everything that she wants... because the prettier people seem to always get what they want and it's not fair.

There came a slight turning point when I was about 14 (the summer between 8th grade and high school) where I started to lose weight.  I would exercise for about 2-3 hours at home everyday during the summer while dieting on Slimfast.  Once I stopped though, I started gaining weight uncontrollably fast again.  I felt as though I couldn't win no matter how hard I tried.

I lost a little bit of weight again once I started birth control when I was 16... that in itself was short lived, too. (Little did I know that the source of my weight problem was due to why I was on birth control... my irregular periods.... or lack there of a period.)  Once I stopped using birth control, my weight climbed dramatically and my appetite fluctuated with my weight.

It wasn't until recently that I found out that I have a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)..... which causes excessive weight fluctuation, excessive acne, embarrassing body hair growth, and other things.

Even with knowing this now, I still beat myself up when I look in the mirror even though I know this isn't my fault.... and my boyfriend of almost 4 years says that I'm beautiful.... it's still hard to believe. It makes things worse as well to know that I'm currently the heaviest that I have ever been.  I'm just hoping that my medical treatments will work.

bloodyvalentine87 bloodyvalentine87
22-25, F
Dec 21, 2009