Each Day Seems To Be A Struggle
I am currently on a vacation in tampa florida, staying with one of my closest friends. When I arrived down here from pittsburgh (jan 28th) I had lost a little weight and had been working out consistently in the gym. I was starting to finally feel better about myself. During this week in tampa, I have not had decent access to foods I used to monitor my weight. I have been eating fast food, chips, big dinners, ice cream....whereas up north I ate veggie burgers, carrots, yogurt, oatmeal, soup. Needless to say, I cant fit into the pants I came down here in and I am having a complete panic attack. I don't want to go out, or be seen. I dread being around mirrors. I feel suffocated just living day to day....not to mention I feel like I look repulsive. I read another members blog on here and she said that it doesn't matter how much her friends and family say she is thin or pretty....she still hates her body and looks. I completely understand how she feels. All of my friends here say I don't look like I gained, that it will come right back off when I get home, my mom says "you know what to do to lose weight, don't obsess over it" but I cant help it!!!!!! i feel like i am losing my mind because i have gained 5 pounds. i also start to say screw it and eat ridiculous amounts of unhealthy foods. I obsess over food, weight, looks....and it has been this way since i was in elementary school. Last year I started weight watchers and weighed in at 191.8 pounds (i am 5'4") I now weigh 155 (or so i did before vacation) so 36 pounds down....and i still feel like i look 191.8. IS THAT CRAZY??? I have struggled with this hatred for my body most of my life, and I wonder if it will ever end?? I am sick of bothering my friends with my obsession over my weight, i can imagine it is extremely annoying.....but it is CONSTANTLY on my mind! i cannot stop being pissed about the fact that i barely worked out down here. I wonder if i actually get down to my dream weight of 125 if even then i will feel attractive when it comes to my body. i hate it, i really do. Gaining weight makes me feel like i cannot breathe...no exageration. these thoughts about my weight consume me, it cant be normal.