Whats Wrong With Me?

I remember a time when I was happy with what i saw in the mirror while trying on clothes. I remember a younger more vibrant prettier girl...what happened to her?

That was five years ago. 

I'm 18 now and just sick of my body. I've slowly been losing weight over the last year because I gained tons during the dreadful high school years. I mean, I'm not fat or anything, but I'm just obsessing over my weight and my body type and unfortunate genetic traits.

I'm average I guess (5'6" and a half, size 6 pants, usually wear medium size shirts, if i wear a small its  tight on me but i like tight because i feel thinner in them. Im 150 pounds more muscle though because I am an athlete, Ive lost 22 pounds. I want to lose 30 more pounds) I think I have a unique and pretty face, but its ruined by the extra fat around it.

I live in southern california where image is everything and I think this mindset is making me sick. Im analyzing every flaw and i hate everything.

I hate that I have no boobs. I had to go out and buy the victorias secret miraculous bra and now i never take it off becuz it makes my boobs look two times bigger. I mean my sister is 15 years old and she has more of a model body! She just has everything in the right place and bigger boobs than me and she can eat WHATEVER she wants without seeing any weight fluctuate!!! not FAIR!

Also, I am so big-boned!!! Big feet big hands wider shoulders and bigger ribcage. Also I feel like since I dont have boobs my waistline (even though my stomach is pretty flat) is just not cinched enough.

Honestly I dont want to be model stick thin. I love girls who have hourglass figures and I love beyonces body.i think It's beautiful.

I like my butt because it's curvy. But I just wish I had the boobs to go along with it and a smaller waist. 

AND I HATE MY THIGHS AND MY ARMS Because they are the fattest. I think I am just a weird hybrid of differences. I'm not just ONE TYPE. 

I have no boobs but a butt, thin calves and flat stomach but fat arms and thighs and i dont have a delicate figure. 

Like Jessica Alba is the same height as me but she isnt big-boned and her average weight is 127 lbs. I think even if I got down to that weight (which is my ideal weight) I wouldnt look as thin as jessica because my bones are f****** manly! 

I HATE MY BODY!!!! my plan of attack is exercising every day and not eating when I'm bored.

Also, I've never had a boyfriend and I'm starting to feel like I'm too ugly or fat to even be considered as a girlfriend to anyone. I used to think I was special and I had a unique look because I'm half latina and german/portuguese/british mixed. I thought I was just too beautiful that I intimidated guys. But turns out I'm just average and I really have to get dressed up to be viewed as beautiful. I want to be the girl that stuns boys though....I guess I cant be though.

But I want to be someones special somebody....

quotes that haunt me from boys:

When a guy was talking about me to his friends and pointed me out to him in sixth grade his friend said "She's ugly!" (this was when I hadnt grown out of my ugly duckling age)

A guy that was hitting on me but i didnt respond "shes not even that hott anyway"

Oh and pictures haunt me. I play tennis and our team photos came out and I look awful. I LOOK SO FAT NEXT TO ALL OF THEM. SOMETIMES I TRY TO PSYCHE MYSELF OUT INTO THINKING IM THINNER THAN I ACTUALLY AM BUT I LOOK AT THESE PICTURES AND IM LIKE WHERE DID ALL OF THAT FAT COME FROM?????!! ARGGHHHH!!!! (well it was the years of binge eating after school to ease my depression that did it)

AND I hate my face because its ruined by the extra fat around itt. I want it to be super thin. I want to be thin but my concern is I'll lose a great asset (pardon the pun) that  I have which is my butt, just like ive already lost the little boobs ive had. 

But I think Id rather be super thin and happy with that than not happy with my arms and thighs and have a booty. gosh, what a life....

xxVivaCiousxx xxVivaCiousxx
22-25, F
7 Responses Feb 27, 2010

i think you're beautiful and you're probably right about your environment making you feel worse about yourself. i recently moved from a city where no one seems to care about the way they look to a city where it seems no one is obese or even very overweight and they all have great hair and clothes. since living here for almost a year, i've lost a lot of weight and when i go home i feel like the most attractive person in the room sometimes. but when i'm here, i feel grotesque and disgusting. i think i'd be super suicidal if i lived in southern california.

Oh my god, you are me. My wrists are so thick that I can't wear most bracelets. My arms don't fit in most long sleeved things and I've never even been freaking kissed.

Well, I am of a medium build and when I am in a size 8 pants I look larger. You have got to learn to love your body. All of us have different fr<x>ames so we can't all look like models, be curvey or athletic looking. You said you play tennis...why not combine tennis with some pilates, yoga and maybe some running. That way you can tone down an make your figure sleeker. At the same time make healthy food choices. Get a journal and write...10 things you are thankful for...10 you like about yourself...10 things that make you feel good about yourself...10 things that when you say you love yourself you can reward yourself with...try to get into positive thinking about yourself build self confidence and love yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself, who else is better or more quailfied than you? If you ever need to talk I am here for you...I know you can do it!!

Well said crazy

Everyone is beautiful in their own, tremendous way. Finding beauty in your face is a start. If you know and believe you're beautiful, it becomes fact, truth and what others will see as well.<br />
<br />
Believe in yourself.

There is beauty in you<br />
<br />
<br />
They see beauty in you get lost in your books<br />
They see it in your face on that trip you took<br />
<br />
They see it in your eyes when that music is heard<br />
Or the wonder in your mouth when you hold that bird<br />
<br />
Is it in your flash- back or your hope for a new day<br />
Maybe the music moves you in some special way<br />
<br />
So don't look in the mirror and see whats not there<br />
See whats in the eyes of others , beauty behond compare

You just don't know how beautiful you are. I am glad others can see it.