I Don't Get It...

I was a sausage baby. Chubby arms, chubby, legs, cute chubby face... But hey, I was a baby. I didn't care.

By age 6 I had shot up 3 and a half feet and seriously stretched out. I was like a freaking stick and taller than all my friends. Life was good.

Then my parents split up and I moved into an apartment building. No yard, nowhere to run around. I sat in the house all day watching Rugrats and Spongebob. My theory is that this is when the sausage came back. Well, at least it's my mom's theory. I wonder if she feels bad for leaving my dad and ruining my entire life.

No, it wasn't her fault.

Then I entered Junior High. Already a disgusting and awkward time but infinitely worse  when you look like a giant fat baby. No boobs, huge belly, a stupid *** haircut and braces... All throughout sixth grade I wore nothing but baggy hoodies. Looking back on it I can't imagine why I would do that. I don't even want to think about how ugly I looked. In seventh grade I came out of my shell a bit, but then I got glasses. My boobs were filling in a bit but still didn't go out past my giant tummy. My hair was greasy and my face was zitty. Those were dark times. Then by eighth grade I got my braces off, and my figure was getting more and more womanly. I got contacts and for once in my life felt pretty. I joined Volleyball and Track and slimmed down considerably. But I didn't see it then. I still thought I was fat.

Enter: Highschool. Freshman year was probably the prettiest I've ever been. Why couldn't I see it then? Tall, like I've always been, pretty face, moderately thin body. But then I decided that I hate sports. Hate them with a firey passion. If only I could like sports then I would be skinny, but I can't stand it. And why spend your life doing something you can't stand?! Sophomore year I slowly got fatter and fatter, and I looked like a baby again. Chubby arms, protruding stomach, boobs not in proportion to the rest of the body.

Now I'm in my junior year and I still feel like I'm getting fatter. I just tried on some dresses I bought last year and none of them fit me. Not a single one. It confirmed my suspicion. God, what am I going to do? I'm only 17, you're supposed to be thin when you're 17! The next ten years are supposed to be my beautiful years, but what if I'm never beautiful? What if I just keep getting uglier and uglier? I've become obsessed with beauty over the years. I don't understand why I can't have it.

You know what's really sad? I've never even been kissed. Not even a dorky 'behind the big toy' kiss.

Never. What other explaination is there? I'm hideous. And I can't stand it.

mewo mewo
18-21, F
Feb 28, 2010