Why Was I Cursed With This Body? Is This A Sick Joke? It's Not Funny...

 I just had myself a good cry at my predicament. What I really want is answers! I thought life was suppose to be about enjoying yourself and doing something important. How can I enjoy myself when I have to hide myself? How do I do something important if I'm too afraid to break out of the shell I am encased in?


My body issues started at a young age. I was always picked on for being too tall and too big. This destroyed my self esteem, and it's not like I had much to begin with anyway, I always thought I was ugly and fat. Then came the age when I started growing taller and taller. My gift for growing was stretch marks, i developed stretch marks running down both my arms, across my shoulders, on my back, on both sides of my stomach running all the way up into my armpits where it connected with my back. My butt, my hips, thighs, inner thighs, the back of my legs and my calves. I started to wear long sleeve shirts and cover up my body. I was about 9 or 10. I haven't worn a short sleeve shirt since I was 9 or 10 and I'm 17 now. This got on my families nerves, they always questioned why I must wear long sleeve shirts in the summer? Aren't you hot? Are you crazy?...these questions infuriated me! I knew that if I did walk around bearing my ugly arms to the world they would mock me relentlessly, and I would know they weren't joking even though they repeatedly said they were.

Aside from the stretch marks, I developed fat blubbery arms. I used to think that everything I ate went straight to my arms. Sometimes I still believe it. I got bigger and bigger and although I never hit the 190 mark on the scale, I still always looked completely disgusting. My fat legs and my unflat stomach, and my ginormous fat arms all caused me to hide myself more.

On top of everything else, even after I lost weight I still had a black neck. Me neck is darker then the rest of my body and I cannot wear my hair up or people would see my neck. I always feel a little bit about myself, but then there is something else that hinders my happiness and I go right back into my head where everything is sad and depressing. I try to be positive, but then I see things or hear things that make me retreat back inside my head.

 

Ugh...I feel like such a whiner! I don't usually talk about this, but I had to vent, I think I've reached my pinnacle. As they say, "The camels back is broken"....do they say that? lol I don't know, I guess it's something like that...something about the final straw...lol :)


Nikkiola Nikkiola
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

I would like to help you or give you the answers you look for, but I'm exactly in the same situation.