I Have No Self Esteem Because Of My Body

I am just 20 years old and I have the body of a 50yo who had 3 kids. Ive been gaining and losing weight since I was probably 13. Right now I don't feel ashamed of my actual weight, it doesn't bother me that much, I just hate the way it is distributed. I know girls that weight about the same, but they have hot bodies and mine is the nastiest thing ever. All my fat is stored in the wrong places. I look amorphous. My skin looks like a road map because I'm literally covered of stretch marks from my shoulders to my calves. My skin is horribly dark and the white stretch marks look awful. I always wanted to have white skin like my family, but I am literally the black sheep. 

I hate body hair and I'm also covered of little dark hair everywhere. It's so disgusting, I can't get rid of all my body hair because i would literally have to wax my whole body and it would still grow again.

Even though I'd like to wear tight clothes, I don't feel comfortable in them. I don't have a single dress and when I wear mini skirts I always wear leggings too. I can't wear sleeveless tops because the idea of having my fat arms exposed freaks me out. I don't go swimming since I was a kid because I hate to get tanned and I wouldn't dare to wear a bathing suit in front of people. In fact, I hate being naked. 

I work out every single day, from 1 to 3 hours a day and I'm not fit. I'm strong, somewhat healthy, and I have a great stamina, but I still look bad. I don't drink or smoke, I can't stand soda, I love drinking lots of water, and I eat more or less healthy (I live with my aunt, who is a nutritionist). Besides, I spend ridiculous amounts of money on body care products and stuff like that and I'm not satisfied. 

I hate the fact that people assume I have a nice body when they see pictures of my face, just because they think I have a cute face. However, my face just doesn't match my body. That's the main reason why I avoid taking full body pictures. People usually give me compliments and say I'm cute/pretty/beautiful just because they see a "nice" face. When I was a kid everybody used to say I was ugly and a few years ago some people started saying the opposite, but I never believed them. I'm not experienced with men, since they have never shown any interest in me, asides from my second cousin and my current boyfriend. I got my first kiss when I was 18 from a guy who said to me "I know you don't like me and I don't like you either". 

I know it's all in my mind and I will never feel happy in my skin if I don't accept  and love my gross body. 

Fahlis Fahlis
26-30, F
Mar 6, 2010