Stuck

My boyfriend and I have been together for just under four years. We've been living together for about two and a half years. When we first met, which was my second semester of college, he seemed to be the perfect guy for me. He was cute, caring, sensitive, interesting to talk to and lots of other good things. But for the last year (maybe a little over), I have just lost my interest in him.

Honestly, I find him emotionally abusive in a way.

It's not like he calls me names or anything like that, he just belittles me in certain aspects. I used to have a really good job where I got laid off from (it was company wide), then had another good job after that which I had to quit due to harassment...now I'm stuck at a gas station making just a little above minimum wage. He works in the kitchen of a well-known, high-end chain restaurant and I understand it's very stressful. Every time I try to be understanding when he's had a tough day, he blows me off and says that I can never understand it. While it's true I can't understand the stress of a kitchen job, I understand having a stressful job - I worked in customer service for a major cellphone provider and for a major insurance company. I get what it's like to be stressed out at work. But he just gets angry and accuses me of trying to "compare" the jobs, which I'm not doing at all. I have let him know and have had numerous conversations about how I am not trying to do that, I'm just trying to let him know he's not alone in this. But he still gets defensive.

If we ever have disagreements about anything (politics, work, relationship problems), he says "I always have to be right and make him a bad guy." That's not it at all and no matter how many times I try to explain that to him, he shuts me out and says the conversation is over. Yet, it's not over because he'll ask me what's wrong immediately after our scuffle and be upset that I'm still thinking over the argument. It's become so frustrating that I am becoming seriously resentful of him.

He's always saying how he wants me to open up, but once I do it leads to another argument. It doesn't matter how calm I am or how I word what is on my mind, he always gets angry. I'm not a confrontational person, I hate it. I try to keep the peace but it doesn't work. Pretty much every argument leaves me feeling like ****. I feel like everything is always my fault regardless if it is or not. What angers me the most, is that he wants me to be more open but gets mad when I am. I can't be both. And when I say I don't want to talk about something (because it's not really a big issue and I'll get over it quickly), he gets mad about that too. I just can't win. No matter what I do, he'll just be upset about it.

He also has major anger issues - punching stuff, getting hostile towards me, etc. He's never hit me, but I seriously get afraid that he will. I understand getting upset in certain situations, but he gets set off at inconsequential matters. Recent example: Freaking out over a cable to use his iPod in his car not working, ripping it out of the jack, and throwing it out the window. Or if his game system doesn't work right, he completely freaks out. I'm very sensitive to other people's emotions, so it makes me uncomfortable and that just makes him more angry.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him, I've been more open with my thoughts, I've done everything he's asked...but it's never enough. Once I work on one aspect of my life, he finds faults in something else. I'll work on that and sure enough, there is still something I am doing wrong. It just keeps cycling like that. And I'm the only one who is expected to change. When I mention things he needs to work on, i.e. anger, he doesn't care or try to fix it. It's not fair.

I know I'm not a perfect person (no one is), and I do have my fair share of issues...but this is getting ridiculous. I've had a tough childhood, which he knows, but I got through that. At least I did until this relationship. After a while, he's brought back all the things I worked so hard to leave behind. I now feel like that insecure teenage girl I used to be. I feel worthless. But, if I say that...I'm just making him out to be the bad guy.

I really do love him and I want this to work. I've invested too much time into it and I care about him greatly. There are so many good things about him, but these issues I've mentioned are making me hate him. I think I hate him all the time but try to keep those thoughts back. At this point, I don't know where to go. How can this work if he won't listen and get defensive? Is there anything that'll get him to where he's willing to change? I can't break up with him right now since I have a crap job and need the financial support (the apartment is mine).

Sorry this is so long, I've been holding it in for a while. If anyone has any type of advice, it'd be very appreciated.
anonjynx anonjynx
22-25, F
Sep 9, 2012