I Pity My Boyfriend!

I met my now ex boyfriend when I was 16. He was 31; his brother owned the restaurant I worked in. He tried in vain for months to flirt with me, but I was so naive and young, I didn't notice! Against my better judgement, we finally got together when I was 17 and saw each other at nights after work. He was one of the first proper boyfriends I had ever had, and I couldn’t believe he liked me. I quickly became smitten (and was therefore exposed to allot of manipulation). He owned his own restaurant and one night he had a party there, I met one of his friends; we had an awkward conversation and it was then I found out he was married. I was mortified and felt so stupid. I later confronted him and he told me he and his wife had been separated for some time but had just not gotten divorced because he had businesses and property and it would be difficult. He told me he loved me and was trying to resolve his divorce amicably; he also told me a whole load of other romantic bull that sucked me right in....soul mates, never known anyone like you, poetry etc - I’m sure you've heard it all!

Tension began to build in our relationship as we'd been together a year and I wanted to know where the relationship was going. (This may sound strange as I was only 17, but the relationship had become so intense and I was convinced this was the man I was going to marry but I couldn’t understand why he was being so passive about the things he needed to do to ensure this!) One night when he was at my house, he got a phone call to say his father had just died. He left for Bangladesh the next day. He had been gone a few weeks and we spoke several times a day on the phone. After about 4 weeks I found out I was pregnant. Shock, denial, fear, anger - you name it I felt it! I had no idea what I was going to do and didn't know when...or if my boyfriend was coming back! I told him on the phone and a week or two later his business partner invited me to his house for tea. I'd been off work for several weeks and he said he'd missed me. We chatted for a while and he said he'd give me a lift home, but we should stop at the restaurant first. My boyfriends brother was there and he and his business partner sat me down in the corner and told me he would pay for me to travel for an abortion (where I live abortion is illegal) and we'd all just be able to happily move on. I cried and told them it was something I could just never do. My older sister had previously had a miscarriage and I knew how much heartbreak that had caused.

I left the restaurant and called my boyfriend, he said he knew nothing about this and was willing to support me no matter what. I continued to work nights in the restaurant and study during the day. One day after college, my doorbell rang; it was my boyfriend’s wife. I invited her in. She sat down and basically went mad! Asking me what had happened, was I pregnant. How long had it been going on etc? I said little, I was totally shocked and quite intimidated. She left and I immediately called my boyfriend who then admitted that his wife had known nothing of the separation but that he wanted to divorce her. Fast-forward 6 months and a whole lot of abuse from his wife, family and her friends and my boyfriend is still in Bangladesh. I am 7 months pregnant and now homeless so living with a friend. He phones me up one day telling me he'll be back tomorrow. Honestly, I suddenly felt excited, relieved and happy. His now ex wife seemed to just disappear and I was convinced he'd return and everything would work out, me, him and our baby.

He returned and we rented a small house, we lived and seemed to have the ideal life for the next 2 years. I gave up studying and looked after our son. Although, I worried because he seemed to drink allot and seemed to be drinking more. We rowed over this so I tried to ignore it as best as I could. My son was 18months when my daughter was born. I had two kids under 2 at the age of 19. It was a struggle and I got little to no help from my boyfriend, he drank more at nights saying he needed it to sleep and I even found vodka bottles hidden around the house. The arguments became more intense and he behaved very aggressively. I couldn’t have this around my kids and eventually moved to a new house near my sister, just myself and the kids. I still loved my boyfriend but hated his behaviour, I thought a separation would make him see sense and sort himself out so we could get together again. It didn’t work out that way. I became very independent as he was very unsupportive and refused to help with the kids as he thought I would use the free tome to see other men. I started studying again and also got a part time job.

Everything seemed to be going well, and I tried frequently to talk with my boyfriend but he just seemed in a permanent downward spiral drinking constantly and very abusive and aggressive. Last summer he finally announced he was going back home for a while to try and get himself together. He admitted he'd found the separation difficult and needed to clear his head. I felt sad about this but thought he would come back resolved and clear. He called to speak to the kids frequently and eventually told me he was looking for an arranged marriage there. I was devastated. I told him that was not what I wanted and I still loved him but I wanted him to change his behaviour. After many intense conversations, he agreed to return home after 3months away.

When he came back he seemed like a different person, said he’d stopped drinking and wanted to take the relationship easy so we shouldn’t live together just yet. Everything seemed great; he came down every day and left in the evenings. At Christmas last year, I found out I was pregnant again. It was my last year at college so I figured everything would work out alright if not a little hectic! His behaviour became a little erratic; he had locks on his phones, never answered them around me and got very angry if I asked anything. In January of this year, he fell asleep leaving his phone unlocked, I got access to his face book account through this and couldn’t believe what I saw. I thought I could have dropped dead then and there, my heart felt like it had literally just snapped. There were photos of him in a wedding outfit and a bride beside him. He had gotten married in June of the previous year, and lied to me about it. I didn’t ask anything. I threw the phone at him, waking him from sleep and told him to get out. He did. I didn’t hear from him for a week.

When he did contact me, he spun another great novel about how his family had arranged and subsequently forced this marriage upon him because of his two previous failed marriages. He said he had arranged to divorce this woman (d'javous anyone!!?) and she would never come here. I still refused his calls and over the next few months kept him at a distance, he saw the kids every so often but never bothered with any of my antenatal appointments. A few weeks before my due date, I had just graduated with distinctions in all modules and was ecstatic; we had to go shopping for baby things. All negative things were in the back of my mind, we had a great day with the kids and in the evening, we talked about everything. Neither of us got angry and was able to explain things. For some bizarre reason, I really believed he loved me and wanted our family to work (pregnancy hormones perhaps!) I was still wary and didn’t seem him much until I went into labour. I had another beautiful girl. The night I left hospital, I asked my partner to stay with me and help get the kids settled. He got so drunk, he passed out on the bed and my sister helped tucked the kids and me in bed at around 1am. The next morning he lay there as I got up to give the children breakfast. He came in, gave us all a kiss and left. Four days later, I got a phone call, I answered and someone started swearing abuse down the phone at me. I hung up.

I phoned my partner and he said he’d find out who it was and he was livid etc. Enough was enough. I got dressed and called him to the house, I got in the car and told him if there was anything he needed to tell me, he should do so now; because I will find it all out in a matter of hours. After a long stand-off, I ended up at his house, I was looking for his sister but she wasn’t there, I saw a woman move through the back door towards where I knew his room was. I went to his sister’s house and spoke to her. I remained completely calm. I pretended I knew everything and was able to find out he had gotten married to a girl three years younger than me in June of last year (only days after he had left to ‘reflect’) He had brought her to live in this country in March of this year and lead two secret lives, neither one of knowing about the other.

I found out what I needed to know and felt a strange sense of relief. I put my 5 day old baby in the car and told him to take me home. I didn’t say a word. Neither did he. He pulled up outside my house and I looked him in the eye, simply saying Goodbye. I didn’t see him for weeks. A month ago my sister was speaking to his new wife online (she had gotten her msn address through a mutual friend) it quickly became clear, this girl still knew nothing of the situation and had been told my ex boyfriend that I was insane and the baby was not hers. My sister was fuming and passed on my address. As soon as I spoke to this girl, I showed her a photo of the baby and she was devastated. She had believed him totally but said – ‘unfortunately god has made her a mirror of him; he can deny it no more.’

This girl now wants rid of him but is stuck in a rock and a hard place as she is originally from Saudi Arabia and will be shamed if she divorces him so cant return home and would also be declared illegal if she wasn’t married to him. My baby girl is now 4 months old and my two children 5 and 3. I’ve had great support from my sister through all this and probably couldn’t have coped without her help. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes reliving the heartbreak of everything he has done to me just feels so crushing and hard to bear. It’s not so much the betrayal and unfaithfulness that upsets me, but the things he has taken away from me. The things I should have had. I work day and night for my kids and am training to be a nurse. I was always totally faithful and devoted to my boyfriend, our family and our life together. I should have had a happy life, a good marriage and my dream vocation as a nurse. But he obviously had other ideas. Three kids under 5 can be a real struggle sometimes, but he never helped me anyway so I’ve not lost out on anything. (I realise that for allot of people reading this, there will have been alarm bells ringing at various stages; but this is all in hindsight for me. At 16, I lived with two flatmates aged 18 and was estranged from my parents. I was hugely naive and easily manipulated – especially when it came to love. This man seemed to be like a light at the end of a very dark tunnel for me and I was sucked in so completely by everything he said and did.

He still comes and goes seeing the kids and has tried in vain to convince me of his unwavering love for me but he’s as clear as glass to me now and I have little time for him. I still feel really devastated that this has happened but have behaved with the utmost dignity for my kids and myself throughout it all. Never once yelling, shouting or calling him any names (not the approach my partner decided to adopt!). I know that in time, the pain should fade and I will find good and positive things in my life. I will be able to overcome all this and be happy with my three beautiful children. So yes, I do hate my boyfriend….but not as much as I pity him!

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14 Responses Dec 3, 2009

To all the people who blame this woman for going back to the man who manipulated her and took advantage of her. **** YOU. She was 17 for god sake! She was still a child! Could you expect anything else from a 17 year old who had little experience of the world? If your answer is yes then you need a reality check, you are human JUST like she is and even if you haven't made mistakes like this nature, you've probably made mistakes that wouldmake her think "What an idiot"!

Anyway now that that's over lol, i'm so proud of you for what you've achieved during those hard times! I know it's very late lol but congratulations on achieving those distrinctions while all this palava was going on! I know that i would have either a) dropped out of college because i wouldn't be able to juggle looking after kids and concentrating on my education, or b) tried to carry on but n the end fail miserably so i'm soproud of you for that! If anything it's good that you had this horrible experience at such a young age because now as an adult, you will be able to instantly spot these kind of characters from a mile away and avoid this sort of thing from ever happening to you and your kids. I bet those idiots who think how stupid you were to make such a tragic mistake at 17 will have absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation if it comes up! I wish you the best of luck xx

Sorry honey but what happened to you is your own fault.

To all the ******** who dare to blame her. Why don't YOU try juggling going to college and bringing up 3 godamn kids at the same time! I've never done it but that doesn't mean i can't imagine how hard it must be, i actually respect people who somehow manage to pull themselves through some REALLY tight difficult situations such as this. She sounds like she's done a good job, i'd like to see you lot try I;ll put my hands up and say I wouldn't even dare attempt it because I know i'll screw up.

this is far from her fault!

Its impossible his new wife will be a Saudi citizen, because bangladeshi's are looked down upon like servants over there. No right minded saudi girl will marry a bangladeshi. She will lose her saudi citizenship if she marries a non-saudi.

I really feel for you and you are INCREDIBLY strong to have gotten yourself out of all of this. You're also really blessed to have done so. I think anyone with negative comments, is simply trying to be over smart and think that they are perfect and believe that they have never been fooled or made any mistakes in their life! It's a ridiculous statement. And you were only 17! Most 17 year olds ARE naive and easily manipulated and in-experienced and for them to think that they were perfect back then and judge you, means that they are STILL naive and stupid now, despite being OLDER. Anyways, you're impressively strong, I only hope you can lend some of that strength and help the other poor girl, from saudi. I'm sure no one can relate to her more than you, and imagine back then, if you had had someone to get you out of the situations he would put you in, how great it would have been for you. You would only be greater for saving her and helping her to escape the troubles you were once in. Maybe offering her to come and stay with you for a while, whilst she can study and build a new life for herself here. On marriage visa, you are able to work and study freely. Well done, for making all the good decisions you did towards the end, to conquer and leave all of your bad ones behind. In wish you a good life, that only keeps getting better :-)

As a woman I don't find this particularly up lifting either -- I do find it good that you survived this all, but there were so many problems to recognize from this guy right from the beginning. I'm so happy that you have three beautiful girls, and you did eventually get away from him, but for it to take so long... I don't know, it just makes me a little sad that my gender can be so naive. <br />
<br />
On a side note, don't listen to those morons who flamed you in their posts. There isn't any reason for that -- be they male or female its unacceptable, the jerks.

"Naive". We are *trusting*. The one who trusted is not at fault- the person who *breeched* that trust is 100% at fault.

When you say "it's good that X, BUT"...nothing before the BUT counts. BUT has no place in conversations with women speaking about how they've been wronged by men.

Sex, not gender. Gender is dress-ups. Sex is biology.

you silly tart why have a **** load of kids

I feel sorry for you women. Is this how you guys feel better about yourselves? Lol how pathetic. Blah blah blah just another forum filled with trollers on PMS hating on men. Give me a break, I cant believe such a forum even exists lol its really sad. Please go find something better to do, the world doesn't revolve around your "my bf is ruining my life" stories.

You made some bad choices, but in the end you came out stronger and more aware of what can happen when you're not careful; i'm glad you're able to come out of this as well as you have

I think you are not a victim of your ex boyfriend but yourself.<br />
you accepted every time he came back even after all his crap, so the way i see it is that you need a counselor to help you to understand your own actions, I think you acted in the same way a codependent person had acted. <br />
I'm sorry, but I don't see where the strength is, or the maturity when you don't love yourself enough to reject a person who is emotionally unestable...and be as irresponsible as to get pregnant 3 times.<br />
I really hope you don't misundestand my comment cause I'm just expressing my opinion, and I want a better world to live.

The strength and the maturity comes from LEARNING from the mistake. Of course when you make a mistake such as that, its a persons moment of weakness, but what makes them a stronger and better person is the fact that they've learned so much from this mistake and will hopefully never repeat it again. I state again, SHE WAS 17! AND NAIVE! I know this example is a bit extreme but the principle is the same. Its like blaming a child who keeps going back to a molester when they say "oh but hes really nice to me" or "he would never hurt me" blah blah blah and blaming her for being so stupid, but what you fail to understand is her age and naitivity. Don't act like you'd do everything perfect in this situation becaus ei GUARANTEE you, you wouldn't.

you are doing something called victim-blaming.

the one in the wrong is the one *who wronged*. not the one who was wronged. the logic is very clear.

I am just now reading your story. I am very proud of you. I , too, was navie, and I was older than you were.. So don't feel bad.. I was about 20 when I got married , only because I was pregnant.. We seemed to be happy for about the first 10 maybe 15 yrs.. I figured he was just the quiet type, as he would not really talk to me. About anything. Bills, the kids, what went on at work , nothing. As time went on, he became hateful at times.. this steadly got worse, and I accepted it as "just being him", It got to the point, we never said anything to each other. That hurt, but once again. I figured it was just him, his way. I never in 30+ yrs figured he was running around behind me. I should realized when I sex life went to zero, somthing was up, but finally thought I was 50 yrs old and had lost interest.. At 57 , he walked out, and 2 wks later, I felt that "urge" come back to me. So you see, we all make mistakes, even when we are older. Most figure it out sooner than I did. But he had a few good points. either way, I now don't know if I could trust another man, and not sure I want to get married again either. Not sure I would be a good wife after all is said and done. but you have a 3 kids to love and love you, and your youth. Don't let the past ruin your future, and keep trucking.. There are going to be times that are hard, but you sound like it will only make you stronger.. I am also proud you graduated with honors.. Congradulations.. Keep up the good , fantastic work.. All the Best to you :)

Thank you for posting your story. Just reading what you've been through really inspired me. I've never been in that type of situation at all before, but hearing about your strength really just gave me the hope to get through my day. You've been though a lot and you're clearly much stronger than so many people. I just hope one day I can learn to have that kind of maturity. Thank you again so much: people like you really give me faith in the world.

you're really strong to be able to go through all that and act the way you did.

I have never been in that type of a situation.... I am very sry you had to go through all of that. He sounds like her really needs to grow up. I couldnt even imagine going through something like that. Im glad you were strong and held yourself up the way you did. I could have never manage to get through that physically nor emotionally. Im glad your okay now and doing good. Ill pray for you and your children.

That's sad, and he's a jerk. I'm sorry you have to take care of those kids pretty much on your own. But your sister sounds really wonderful, so at least you still have her!