I Pity My Boyfriend!
I met my now ex boyfriend when I was 16. He was 31; his brother owned the restaurant I worked in. He tried in vain for months to flirt with me, but I was so naive and young, I didn't notice! Against my better judgement, we finally got together when I was 17 and saw each other at nights after work. He was one of the first proper boyfriends I had ever had, and I couldn’t believe he liked me. I quickly became smitten (and was therefore exposed to allot of manipulation). He owned his own restaurant and one night he had a party there, I met one of his friends; we had an awkward conversation and it was then I found out he was married. I was mortified and felt so stupid. I later confronted him and he told me he and his wife had been separated for some time but had just not gotten divorced because he had businesses and property and it would be difficult. He told me he loved me and was trying to resolve his divorce amicably; he also told me a whole load of other romantic bull that sucked me right in....soul mates, never known anyone like you, poetry etc - I’m sure you've heard it all!
Tension began to build in our relationship as we'd been together a year and I wanted to know where the relationship was going. (This may sound strange as I was only 17, but the relationship had become so intense and I was convinced this was the man I was going to marry but I couldn’t understand why he was being so passive about the things he needed to do to ensure this!) One night when he was at my house, he got a phone call to say his father had just died. He left for Bangladesh the next day. He had been gone a few weeks and we spoke several times a day on the phone. After about 4 weeks I found out I was pregnant. Shock, denial, fear, anger - you name it I felt it! I had no idea what I was going to do and didn't know when...or if my boyfriend was coming back! I told him on the phone and a week or two later his business partner invited me to his house for tea. I'd been off work for several weeks and he said he'd missed me. We chatted for a while and he said he'd give me a lift home, but we should stop at the restaurant first. My boyfriends brother was there and he and his business partner sat me down in the corner and told me he would pay for me to travel for an abortion (where I live abortion is illegal) and we'd all just be able to happily move on. I cried and told them it was something I could just never do. My older sister had previously had a miscarriage and I knew how much heartbreak that had caused.
I left the restaurant and called my boyfriend, he said he knew nothing about this and was willing to support me no matter what. I continued to work nights in the restaurant and study during the day. One day after college, my doorbell rang; it was my boyfriend’s wife. I invited her in. She sat down and basically went mad! Asking me what had happened, was I pregnant. How long had it been going on etc? I said little, I was totally shocked and quite intimidated. She left and I immediately called my boyfriend who then admitted that his wife had known nothing of the separation but that he wanted to divorce her. Fast-forward 6 months and a whole lot of abuse from his wife, family and her friends and my boyfriend is still in Bangladesh. I am 7 months pregnant and now homeless so living with a friend. He phones me up one day telling me he'll be back tomorrow. Honestly, I suddenly felt excited, relieved and happy. His now ex wife seemed to just disappear and I was convinced he'd return and everything would work out, me, him and our baby.
He returned and we rented a small house, we lived and seemed to have the ideal life for the next 2 years. I gave up studying and looked after our son. Although, I worried because he seemed to drink allot and seemed to be drinking more. We rowed over this so I tried to ignore it as best as I could. My son was 18months when my daughter was born. I had two kids under 2 at the age of 19. It was a struggle and I got little to no help from my boyfriend, he drank more at nights saying he needed it to sleep and I even found vodka bottles hidden around the house. The arguments became more intense and he behaved very aggressively. I couldn’t have this around my kids and eventually moved to a new house near my sister, just myself and the kids. I still loved my boyfriend but hated his behaviour, I thought a separation would make him see sense and sort himself out so we could get together again. It didn’t work out that way. I became very independent as he was very unsupportive and refused to help with the kids as he thought I would use the free tome to see other men. I started studying again and also got a part time job.
Everything seemed to be going well, and I tried frequently to talk with my boyfriend but he just seemed in a permanent downward spiral drinking constantly and very abusive and aggressive. Last summer he finally announced he was going back home for a while to try and get himself together. He admitted he'd found the separation difficult and needed to clear his head. I felt sad about this but thought he would come back resolved and clear. He called to speak to the kids frequently and eventually told me he was looking for an arranged marriage there. I was devastated. I told him that was not what I wanted and I still loved him but I wanted him to change his behaviour. After many intense conversations, he agreed to return home after 3months away.
When he came back he seemed like a different person, said he’d stopped drinking and wanted to take the relationship easy so we shouldn’t live together just yet. Everything seemed great; he came down every day and left in the evenings. At Christmas last year, I found out I was pregnant again. It was my last year at college so I figured everything would work out alright if not a little hectic! His behaviour became a little erratic; he had locks on his phones, never answered them around me and got very angry if I asked anything. In January of this year, he fell asleep leaving his phone unlocked, I got access to his face book account through this and couldn’t believe what I saw. I thought I could have dropped dead then and there, my heart felt like it had literally just snapped. There were photos of him in a wedding outfit and a bride beside him. He had gotten married in June of the previous year, and lied to me about it. I didn’t ask anything. I threw the phone at him, waking him from sleep and told him to get out. He did. I didn’t hear from him for a week.
When he did contact me, he spun another great novel about how his family had arranged and subsequently forced this marriage upon him because of his two previous failed marriages. He said he had arranged to divorce this woman (d'javous anyone!!?) and she would never come here. I still refused his calls and over the next few months kept him at a distance, he saw the kids every so often but never bothered with any of my antenatal appointments. A few weeks before my due date, I had just graduated with distinctions in all modules and was ecstatic; we had to go shopping for baby things. All negative things were in the back of my mind, we had a great day with the kids and in the evening, we talked about everything. Neither of us got angry and was able to explain things. For some bizarre reason, I really believed he loved me and wanted our family to work (pregnancy hormones perhaps!) I was still wary and didn’t seem him much until I went into labour. I had another beautiful girl. The night I left hospital, I asked my partner to stay with me and help get the kids settled. He got so drunk, he passed out on the bed and my sister helped tucked the kids and me in bed at around 1am. The next morning he lay there as I got up to give the children breakfast. He came in, gave us all a kiss and left. Four days later, I got a phone call, I answered and someone started swearing abuse down the phone at me. I hung up.
I phoned my partner and he said he’d find out who it was and he was livid etc. Enough was enough. I got dressed and called him to the house, I got in the car and told him if there was anything he needed to tell me, he should do so now; because I will find it all out in a matter of hours. After a long stand-off, I ended up at his house, I was looking for his sister but she wasn’t there, I saw a woman move through the back door towards where I knew his room was. I went to his sister’s house and spoke to her. I remained completely calm. I pretended I knew everything and was able to find out he had gotten married to a girl three years younger than me in June of last year (only days after he had left to ‘reflect’) He had brought her to live in this country in March of this year and lead two secret lives, neither one of knowing about the other.
I found out what I needed to know and felt a strange sense of relief. I put my 5 day old baby in the car and told him to take me home. I didn’t say a word. Neither did he. He pulled up outside my house and I looked him in the eye, simply saying Goodbye. I didn’t see him for weeks. A month ago my sister was speaking to his new wife online (she had gotten her msn address through a mutual friend) it quickly became clear, this girl still knew nothing of the situation and had been told my ex boyfriend that I was insane and the baby was not hers. My sister was fuming and passed on my address. As soon as I spoke to this girl, I showed her a photo of the baby and she was devastated. She had believed him totally but said – ‘unfortunately god has made her a mirror of him; he can deny it no more.’
This girl now wants rid of him but is stuck in a rock and a hard place as she is originally from Saudi Arabia and will be shamed if she divorces him so cant return home and would also be declared illegal if she wasn’t married to him. My baby girl is now 4 months old and my two children 5 and 3. I’ve had great support from my sister through all this and probably couldn’t have coped without her help. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes reliving the heartbreak of everything he has done to me just feels so crushing and hard to bear. It’s not so much the betrayal and unfaithfulness that upsets me, but the things he has taken away from me. The things I should have had. I work day and night for my kids and am training to be a nurse. I was always totally faithful and devoted to my boyfriend, our family and our life together. I should have had a happy life, a good marriage and my dream vocation as a nurse. But he obviously had other ideas. Three kids under 5 can be a real struggle sometimes, but he never helped me anyway so I’ve not lost out on anything. (I realise that for allot of people reading this, there will have been alarm bells ringing at various stages; but this is all in hindsight for me. At 16, I lived with two flatmates aged 18 and was estranged from my parents. I was hugely naive and easily manipulated – especially when it came to love. This man seemed to be like a light at the end of a very dark tunnel for me and I was sucked in so completely by everything he said and did.
He still comes and goes seeing the kids and has tried in vain to convince me of his unwavering love for me but he’s as clear as glass to me now and I have little time for him. I still feel really devastated that this has happened but have behaved with the utmost dignity for my kids and myself throughout it all. Never once yelling, shouting or calling him any names (not the approach my partner decided to adopt!). I know that in time, the pain should fade and I will find good and positive things in my life. I will be able to overcome all this and be happy with my three beautiful children. So yes, I do hate my boyfriend….but not as much as I pity him!