I Hate Myself

I hate myself. I despise my boyfriend, but I cannot make the bills by myself. We fight constantly. I was always hoping he would be the person for me, but it has become clear he is not. When I get upset he goes cold and brushes me aside. He devalues my emotions, and when I get upset he says I'm 'overemotional, going off the deep end'. I believe him...this year I have lost 3 very close family members, and he has not once asked me how I am doing. He would rather raid on World of Warcraft than talk to me...after I got stuck out of town in a car accident. He plans to raid the entire day after I get home. If I ever want him to say something nice to me, I have to ask, and then his tone is patronizing as he repeats 'I love you'... Everything is a fight with him, nearly every day. If I ask him to do anything he pouts like a child. He has even told me straight out that the second someone asks/tells him to do something, he immediately does the opposite. He has no kindness, sympathy, empathy, or love. And I hate that I have to stay with him. I am desperately searching for work that would allow me to be free. He takes me for granted, that I will always be there. We never talk...he never talks to me unless its about the game. When I say this, his reply is always 'well, what do you want to talk about?' as if a subject of intense necessity must be chosen...there is no easy conversation. All he does is complain about his life, everything in his life...from the person in front of him, the the people he 'games' with, to the checkout girl at the grocery store. It is a deep seated bitterness and loathing of humankind I can never understand. He says things that make me embarressed for him, but he is oblivious. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. God help me.

lolan lolan
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 25, 2010

I know exactly how you feel. even my boyfriend is like that and we have a son; he doesn't even give childsupport or anything and he's even in the marines; its hard for him to do anything nice and when i ask him why he gets all mad at me, even when i call him he gets mad.. <br />
its like were LAST in their lives and everything ELSE comes first because they know they can get away with it and we'll stay... they take us for granted all the time =[