I Don't Know Why I'm With Him Anymore ...

In the beginning, I was madly in love with him ... now I'm just mad.  We have a baby together and I feel guilted into staying with him for our son.  I know that isn't right because I will end up resenting my son. My son is the most beautiful thing on this planet to me and I don't want to mess him up.  I feel so conflicted.  I hate my boyfriend so much I've been trying to push him away by getting into arguments everyday, making him sleep in the other room, or locking him out of the house.  I'm so afraid to be by myself ... financially it's scary, but in reality I've been paying for everything all the time anyways.

My boyfriend is a drug addict. a slob. uneducated. & he doesn't seem to want to better himself. I can't believe I've fallen for such a loser. I just want to crawl out of this hole and be happy.

I don't know why I'm with him anymore ... I've tried breaking up with him, but he doesn't let me. Mostly, I'm just scared that I'm going to realize that I really love him when he's gone & with someone else.

Really ... I just wish a giant light bulb would go off and he would realize what he needs to do in order to be a better person.  Seriously, he doesn't get it.  It's like it doesn't want to make a good life for his son, he doesn't want to be a good example for his son, he doesn't want to better himself so that he can provide for his son, to give his son opportunities ... I don't really care about our relationship, I'm numb. I just want him to shape up for our son's sake.  I don't want my baby to be influenced by his father, who is a complete loser.  I feel bad, I do, but I'm just not in love anymore. I'm over him and I just need to muster up the courage to leave him.  I need to get this job that pays $16/hr and get my own one bedroom apartment and get the hell out of here.

I wish he would realize how much he is stiffling this little family. 

Don't even get me started with all of his bull ****.  Last night, he took the baby to bed and the baby fell out of the bed & we spent all night in the ER.

He wanted to buy a bunch of acid and re-sell it to make a small fortune and he pretty much gave someone $180 for tiny cut-up pieces of index cards.

He barely gives me any money for rent or bills ... I have to ask and/or beg him.

He doesn't help me keep this place clean, instead he'll let the dishes pile up after I've cooked or wait until tomorrow to do them ... and then that takes about 3 days of smelly dishes.

He doesn't take any intiative to clean or do anything dealing with responsibility. i have to ask him or tell him do & that usually ends up in a fight.

He doesn't do anything right.

I'm not happy.

I want out.

I need courage.

ugh.

ColDeegs ColDeegs
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Naww you poor thing if you dont love him any more i'd say get out of the relationship of you having to pay the bills and cook and clean after his ungrateful ***, and if he is on drugs and taking you baby to bed and having it fall out n hurt its self that should be enough for you to say get the **** out to him, but if he wont leave n you've put up with it all for this long just hang in there things will get better as for the job to get extra cash to get your own place is such things as support people that might help out with getting you your own little place go and see a community/housing support worker get them to look into what they can do for you, good luck with it all hope things work out for you and your baby

Wow!, your story is so incredibly similar to mine, i try all the time to break up with my a**hole bf, but he just wont leave, and i too have a baby, so i cant just up and leave- she is my heart and i want so much more for her.<br />
Hang in there, things can only go up from here, or at least that`s what i tell myself when he ****** me off so much i feel like i could seriously freak out(lol).