Is It Wrong To Hate My Boyfriend?

 







The Reasons that I Hate My Boyfriend:


His Personal Habits:


1) He lustily blows nose in shower each morning/evening construction worker style.


2) He is built as if he's 9-mos pregnant.


3) He clicks his dentures almost constantly.


4) He says "huh?" "what?" "what's that?" etc. after around half of what I say, so I have to repeat much of what I say.  He does this even though he has heard me.  I know this because I have started to resist repeating myself, and then he repeats back to me what I just said and then responds to what I just said.  It's completely pathological.


5) He cuts his food with the side of his fork, and pushes the bite-sized pieces onto his fork with his fingers.


6) He burps without shame and farts through the night, sometimes right up against me if I'm spooning him.


7) He puts his feet on me all night and crowds me through the night. He touches the bottoms of my feet with his toenails.


8) His cologne is cloying. After hugging him I smell like him for the rest of the day.


9) When he ties his shoes or takes off his socks or does much physically he makes these grunting heavy breathing noises.


10) He stares at my crotch when I'm naked, and not in a nice way.  I mean he stares, and sometimes makes sexual comments or wiggles his tongue at it. It makes me want to dress behind a towel, like at the beach.


He's controlling:


1) He hovers over me and micromanages my work, telling me where to click and not giving me a chance to click there before telling me again, bitching endlessly at me that I spend too much time on research but then is pissed when I just ship the stupid thing from the post office instead of spending another hour on figuring out how to print the label from the office.  He sees fit to argue about an extra sentence in an outgoing email, an extra $0.15 for a tracking number, when and how I ask questions in class.


2) He relentlessly tells me how to drive, even though I am either driving my own car or driving him around because his license has been suspended. He goes so far as to tell me when to turn my turn signals on and off, how fast my windshield wipers should run, and which route to take, even if he isn't going to be in the car when I take it.


3) He tells me how to ride, trying to insist that I either follow him more closely or that I let him tailgate me.  Then he gets mad when I stand up for my right to have a cushion of space around me.  He's kind of given up on that for now I think because I said that I could just go back to riding alone. And he's suspended for the next three months so I can ride how I want for now.


4) He's trying to insist that I need electric gloves instead of heated grips even though I've told him that I don't want to be wired to the bike; he immediately tried to insist that I take a sip of his rice milk drink from the Mexican restaurant when I said it sounded gross (I don't like milk); he implied that my sister didn't need to borrow my car because hers “just had a dead battery” even though I haven't driven mine in months and hers is hemorrhaging transmission fluid. He tries to tell me what to do in matters that don't seem to be any of his concern or business.


I hate sex with him:


1) A couple of times he really blew up at me saying that I wasn't "into it" enough.  True it is not my favorite thing, but I perform with willingness and enthusiasm if he hints.  However I can't stand *********** and it's his "favorite thing".  It makes me cringe, especially when I feel his teeth or facial hair or jaw bone.  When he felt me try to angle away so I wouldn't feel him dig into me so much he was pissed, saying he "didn't know how to make me feel good anymore."  I think that it's bad that it makes me so uncomfortable that I can't even properly fake enthusiasm for fear of the discomfort that I might be in for if I relax enough to fake it.


2) I usually don't like the way his uncircumsized **** smells, but I can stand it. If it was the only thing I had to do, I'd be okay with it.


3) I try to lower my legs when he's on top, but he'll push them all the way back and pound on my cervix.  I truly hate that and I don't know what the point is. It wouldn't feel so bad if I could keep my legs a little less back.


4) When we first got together he'd **** me in the *** and that was okay, but now it just hurts and I don't want to do it again.  He frequently reminds me that I don't do it anymore, like I need to get back with the program or that I misrepresented myself, but I can't help it that now it hurts like a burning tearing poker.


5) I feel like I'm over sensitive. I feel like there are needles in my nipples when he puts his mouth on them. I feel like he's pinching, not squeezing, my breasts or butt. I don't the way it sounds or feels when he smacks my butt. I have to force myself not to cringe when he touches me because I know he'll flip out if I move away.


Basically I don't want to have sex with him.  Before it was okay because I felt like he was happy with it, and he was someone to have sex with, but now I feel like he's either critiquing or criticizing me, or getting ready to do something worse (ie if I relax enough to let him put his mouth on me, then he pushes his fingers into me.  If I let him pushes his fingers into me then he wants to poke them into my rectum, etc etc.)  Now every sexual encounter is something to try to get through without a too much discomfort or a fight. It is literally a chore that I can't do right anymore.


He was mean to me:


1) The last time he was mad at me about sex, he couldn't understand how I could "give toy shows to a bunch of strange guys but not enjoy sex with him."  I couldn't believe that he'd think that was a productive way to argue.  I just wanted to go home when he said that but I felt paralyzed.


Overall, I feel repulsed by him.  I am not physically attracted to him at all. His habits drive me to the point of madness, especially the clicking and the "huh"ing.  I feel like we are a wrong physical match, not that I'm a super model or something, but I'm reasonably fit and have kept a good figure and he is so physically out of control with his huge stomach and gasping and clicking.


Conversely, I feel compelled to stay.  I feel bad for him, for his loneliness, for his desire to have that someone, that someone who he can love and who loves him back. I know that he is basically a good person and I simply have a personal aversion to him.  And selfishly, his companionship got me out of the bars. I'm not drinking nearly as much, I've reapplied to school and am chasing down loans again through FAFSA. I've stopped ******* everything that moves.  I am such a horrible person when I am single. I drink like a sailor, I hang out in bars trolling for anything that will have sex with me – borderline gay guys, married guys, the black bartender who expected me to pay for his drinks, the customer on tour as a professional hypnotist, the 26-year old 12 years my junior, the guys who don't like me that much, the hot and definitely not hot women. The internet hooked me up not only with a stranger in Florida, but the decade ago ex-boyfriend 3000 miles away. I can't live like that. Sooner or later I will catch something or get killed.


It only complicates matters that he got me out of the bars by hiring me, by paying my living expenses, my school loan payment, filling my tank, filling my stomach. He won't admit it but I know he forgoes his financial pressures to cover mine. I work for it, but he had no one working for him before me, so while it is easier with me there, I am not indispensable. He could live without me but he is choosing not to because he wants to help me. I recognize what he is doing and I appreciate his generosity with me, even though too often it reminds me of myself with Don, how I fruitlessly poured my attentions and finances and energies down the bottomless pit of nothingness that was our relationship while he quietly, and not so quietly, loathed me.


Honestly, I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. It is just that it feels wrong to be with someone whose habits and personality drives me so batshit. But I know that he loves me and truly wants the best for me, and I really am a better person for being with him. So is there a way to just hunker down and squint and try to not notice who he is?  To try to recognize and relish the good things about him? To try to develop the fortitude to fight back when he's encroaching on my psychic space? Try to develop a raunchy enthusiasm for getting poked by his fingers, toys, and ****? Don't all relationships, no matter how high they started, disintegrate into this dull practicality and studied tolerance and the desire to avoid the cancerous abyss of being alone?


To ignore the obvious and continue slogging along in survival mode seems unfair though - there has got to be someone out there who will love him in the way that I can't.

wcoastgreasemonkey wcoastgreasemonkey
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

i know this story....what can you do? <br />
i have no answers, but, if you can't stand this man, you have to learn to be alone, <br />
and if you can't be alone, you have to learn to tolerate it when he ***** you<br />
<br />
i personally believe that sometimes our bodies will rebel if we disrespect them long enough. eventually, if you keep letting a guy who you physically despise do what he like with you, our bodies will stop letting us get away with it. you can kill that reaction, but then what do you have left? it may be the last shred of self that you have.<br />
<br />
sorry to be harsh, i obviously have a simmilar predicament, or i woud not be on this thread