I Hate My Boyfriends Past

Okay, this is going to sound really lame, but I need to let it out.

My whole life, I've been raised to believe that pasts are all that matter. Not a virgin? No future. Didn't go to university? No future. Got a wrong piercing/tattoo? No future.

That's how my mother lives. I'd like to live differently. But, I'm having a hard time coping with my past along everyone elses. Including my boyfriend. We've only been dating for a few months, and it doesn't anywhere close to a long term, but we've been through a lot together. We spend every day together, going to the same school, living on the same street, riding the same street car. He's a year younger, and sometimes he's so immature, but I love that! He's so innocent and sweet.

Too bad his past isn't. At least not to me. He's done everything with another girl before. He's had sex, given oral and recieved oral. And.. the best part is.. all the girls were so ugly! AH! I can't believe it. HIM! He's this australian hottie, and he's done all these things with the most unattractive girls in our school! He always tells me they meant nothing to him, and that he was drunk, but that doesn't make it better, it makes it worst! Is that all I am to him, just a vagina for now? I find myself very attractive; tall, blonde, busty, ivory skin, wide blue eyes and bee-stung lips. His exes are all very short, dark skinned, dark greasy haired, dark eyed, thin lipped.. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But it can't be that one day he woke up to find me, snapped out of his phase, and just fell madly in love with whatever beauty I provided.

I see his main ex at school. He's dated her the longest. She's this short native-french girl. She's simply so opposite to me that I can't even call her ugly anymore. I can't even compare myself to her. She's so childish and petite, and I feel so old and developped. She looks around 13 years old. I look 19. It's too different, it cannot be that this guy can swing to both ends in women.

He also had sex with her. Which bothers me A HELL LOT because she's so small and immature.. Just like him. And I'm HIS opposite, too. And I just can't understand why me. He didn't even pick me, I asked him to be mine, yet he tells me he loves me and all. He's addicted to sex with me and ARGH I don't know where to being. It seems like their relationship was all fun and games, and here I am, having to work for something, having to have to try to make something happen!

I cannot stand her! She mocks me, calls me a ****, and I can't do anything other than ***** out at her because she's so small I might choke her or something. Everytime I see her, I can almost picture them going at it. It hurts me so much. EVen if I wish I didn't have to picture it, I can't. I'm always alert, awaiting the minute I see her. I hate her.

The best part is it meant nothing to him and he didn't even like her. So then why? He doesn't answer. He was "too drunk" or "too confused." It'll help so much if he'd just answer me WHY, if he hated her so..

My heart is filled with so many negative emotions towards him and her. But mostly towards myself, for knowing thsi is such a tiny problem, and making it some deep psychological trauma. I know its small and stupid, but.. No matter how much help I get, so matter how much encouragement I get, I can't seem to pick up the pieces and move on.. I know his past doesn't matter, but it does to me! What do I do? Do I move on from him? Do I stay single? Do I try to make it happen? We fight everyday and I can't deal with it anymore...

Animalrights Animalrights
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 6, 2009

I know exactly how you feel concerning the exes thing. My bf has done the same thing with plenty of other girls, and it just hurts to look at their face and know they were with him. But just think to yourself, you have him now. It might not help much but giving him a nice big kiss right in front of her should give you some satisfaction (especially if you smirk at her afterwards). You sound like a genuine girl, and not only that but you're pretty! So just go out and show that ***** who has him, and that you're in control.