Not Sure I Can Handle Much More......

First let me start with a little background information. I am 26 years old and have an amazing 4 year old daughter that I have raised 100% by myself from day one. I have lived on my own since I was 19, so I am an extremely independent person. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is 23 and still lives at home with his mother, plus his 19 year old brother, 26 year old sister and her 4 year old son. He is a hard worker at makes around $60,000 a year which I believe is good for someone his age.

At the beginning I didn’t think too much about him living at home, I just figured he never really had a reason to move out, and who wouldn't want to live bill free if they could. But after 2 years I am starting to realize so much more. I have grown to HATE going to his house and have made it to where I do not take my daughter there because it is too crazy. First off all his mother is like the mother hen, she has the kids to EVERYTHING for her. If she wants a drink she yells for one of them to get it, when she gets home she honks her horn and has the kids come and carry her stuff in for her. I have never been around someone who doesn't do anything for themselves. She expects this same kind of behavior from me. She wants everything to be the way she wants it.
The nephew does whatever he wants; he has absolutely NO structure at all!!! A couple of examples, a couple of weeks ago I was there for a bbq, we were all sitting in the living room talking and the brother was laying on the couch, well the nephew was climbing on to the ottoman and jumping on top of the brother. The brother kept asking him to please stop because it hurt. All of a sudden the sister, the mother, looks at the brother and says “if you don’t like him jumping on you then get off of the couch”, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! And he DID!!! Another example on night I brought my daughter over for dinner, I made her a plate and sat her at the kiddie table to eat, all of a sudden in the middle of eating the nephew decide he wants to sit where my daughter is sitting, so they make MY daughter get up and move so he can sit there. Because of things like this I have STOPPED bringing my daughter around; it is not fair for her to be treated like this. I know everyone raises kids differently but letting them do whatever they want is not good!

They have to be a part of everything we do too. My boyfriend works nights, so we only get to see or even talk to each other Friday-Sunday and the only time he actually does something with out them involved is Saturday night if we go out. If I am there hanging out in his bedroom his family just walks right in and sits down. We can’t have a relationship for them being involved.

When I try to talk to him about it, he just starts laughing and making jokes, he doesn’t take it serious. He will talk about moving out and getting a place with me, but wont get serious about it, and the last time we talked about it I told him I didn’t want to if his family was just going to be there whenever they feel like it. His sister told me a couple weeks ago that it will be nice when we get a place because then her and her son can stay there some and she will have another babysitter if she needs it. I told him I am not going to always get stuck with her and/or her child His answer to me was he works nights so that would be my problem to deal with.

I am at the end of my rope; I am starting to think this just isn’t going to work. I truly love the boy to death but I am not so sure I can deal with all of this. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is? It is hard enough being with someone you only get to see once or twice a week but all of this on top of it is making me crazy!
Bbrown85 Bbrown85
3 Responses Sep 29, 2011

To honest you both sound like you're in different places. You seem like you are very independent and ready to settle down and he sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. If you do get your own place together, it's "your" (his and yours)., the sister must have this drummed into her that you are not a baby sitting service or hotel for whenever she wants.

Omg I understand EXACTLY what you are going through, because I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now and he is 25 years old. He works full time and makes, presumably, $50 thousand maybe a little more a year. He has been working at the same job since he was 18 years old so he has had more than enough time to save up money to have a rather nice looking savings account. He works on a college campus so they pay for him to attend school (only night classes though) and he doesn't even take full advantage of that because he only takes one class like every other year. School and education isn't a priority for his family. I am 23 and I graduate from college this may, I still live with my parents and I don't have any children. Yes I still live at home but I have been trying to get my bachelors degree not working full time like him and still staying home. Whenever I bring the topic of him moving out up he starts getting very very upset and defensive and asks me what my excuse for still living at home. I think it's a little different for women than it is for men. Especially men who work full time and are 25 or older it just makes them look soft and juvenile. He has a sister who doesnt do anything but stay home all day and his dad doesn't work or do anything but stay home and watch tv or takeout the dog or eat. His mother works I think two jobs and cooks Monday through Sunday, they never eat out for dinner. His mother babies the **** out of him too. Which doesnt help because that makes him want to stay there At home even more, and his father I don't think tries to push him either. They are Mexican americAn, which I believe has a lot to do with their uninterest in education and their Want to stay home and not go out anywhere and cook alllllllllllll the time alllllllll week. My family always eats out, we used to cook at home more often, until my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and even before then we still ate out. <br />
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I am all for saving money but when you've been working for eight years and your a 25 year old man who isn't even thinking about getting his bachelors degree, why the **** are you still staying home like your a 16 year old boy who just started a little job somewhere. It is also a common tradition in latino culture especially mexican culture for the parents to hold on to the son as long as possible until he gets married and then move out, the could be when he's like 50 years old. <br />
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I love my boyfriend so much, he has a good heart and he's very kind and calm natured. But I think I'm trying to force myself to hold on because I don't want to give up or hurt him. I know he lives me so much. I wish I could meetin my ideal guy who is independent and isn't such a mama and daddy's boy. It's very frustrating.

I don't think you're making a big deal, sometimes it is frustrating dealing with family, my boyfriends mother is especially needy and constantly needs his attention, have you mentioned to him about maybe you two moving together, or him just moving out, maybe if you made big enough deal of the situation he would consider for the relationship sake to make a change of living situations. It is not acceptable for them to tell your daughter to move off her seat, not okay.