I Need to Know If It's Worth It

I am currently living with a wonderful guy and we plan on getting married. I am also currently living with his chronically-failing, egotistical, sexist, demeaning, demanding, lazy brother. The more that I have learned about their relationship, the more I can see that my BIL is a life-long parasite that resents me for taking his brother away.

My fiancee has been living with his brother for two years now, the first year or so even sharing a bed in his brother's 1bedroom, overpriced apartment to save his brother from being evicted. His brother had an exceptionally good job, but is alone due to his sexist attitudes and selfish, excessive behaviors, and deep in debt because he has no self control. So my fiancee stepped in to care for him, much like everyone in his family has always done, which means that this egotistical jerk continues to treat everyone like they owe him and continues to waste money excessively.

Since I have moved in, I have been forced to take care of him like he is a baby and put up with his insulting comments about women. He tries to keep my fiance from marrying me because he is upset that all of his friends have married and he is alone and over thirty. He has been fired for sleeping through work now, and laying in bed every single day while lying to my boyfriend about going out to try to get work. All this time, I work full time and come home to pick up after him, if I want to eat anything I have to cook for him, wash his dishes, I have found his clothes in my laundry hamper since he never does his own laundry, I have to take his trash out for him, and care for his dog that he is too selfish to walk because I hate to see it neglected. He has actually pretended he was alseep to get out of feeding it.

The worst part is that he is too incompetent and lazy to live on his own, so I worry I will spend the rest of my life caring for this resentful jerk. I hate life here so much. I keep getting promises that it will be temporary, but that is because my boyfriend believes this guy who tells everyone "he's superman" and "being his own boss" will someday magically find the skills to keep a job and manage his life.

I love my fiance very much, but having to bite my tounge and clean up after this chauvanist slob makes me feel like I don't even know who I am. I am being treated like a slave when he doesn't work, pay, or even have the decency to pitch-in. I know that when we get rid of him, he will go back to paying people to pick up after him, feed him, and bringing home hookers- since he's unemployed he'll get evicted twice as fast, and be back trying to live off my husband. I am considering leaving them both.

I need to know if having the perfect husband is worth hating your home and playing maid for a sexist jerk?

Mackaboo Mackaboo
22-25, F
4 Responses Oct 5, 2009

Your fiancee needs to make a decision based on his brother's good and bad qualities.

If the guy is as bad as you portray, the decision is easy.

wow your story is so similar to mine. I was amazed at how my husband and my BIL could have possible came from the same to people. My husband and I had our own home b4 and his brother was still a leach and had the same reasons for us not marrying. I chose to still be with my current husband because I love him....not his somehow brother. With everything I have to take from my also sexist BIL I know my husband loves me enough to know his brother cannot be so involved in our relationship. He know my hatred of his brother and know our marriage will not work with his bro hanging around. Talk to ur fiance and tell him you cant marry him and his brother. Even though he loves his brother he has to know his future is you and you are what truely matters. If he knows that that you dont have to worry about the parasite sticking aroud forever...not closely anyway.

I agree with 3woodstock! <br />
I had the exact same situation as you Mackaboo!! I think we have the same BIL!!<br />
I did marry and the BIL continued to live with us for 18 more months! He smoked so heavily and smogged up my furniture and house. It was completely gross. The hall bathroom looked like a disgusting truck stop, GROSS and his laundry always smelled up the house. MORE GROSS! I is loud and vulgar too. <br />
Like your BIL, he's a racist, sexist, overly opinionated, narcissitic idiot! <br />
My husband told me the living situation was temporary too. My BIL won't work unless my husband or someone else handpicks a job for him. He's in his mid 40's!<br />
The only way I could get him out of my house was to GIVE AWAY MY FURNITURE! I'm serious. He had to go to his bedroom when he came home because there was no place to lounge in the livingroom! <br />
I've been with my husband for 5 years, and out of 5 years the BIL has lived with me for over 3!<br />
We recently moved across the country and I got a small one bedroom apt. specifically to keep the BIL out. My couch is in storage, I only have the loveseat and chair, so BIL can't plop in my livingroom and stick like a stinky parasite.<br />
At one point I packed all my belongings and told my husband it's BIL or ME. Husband got BIL out of the house at least for a while. Then husband begged me to let BIL back in, and I was stupid and allowed it. <br />
I don't care if BIL pays rent or whatever, I don't care and I don't want or need his money. <br />
When BIL is with us I lose not only our privacy, but my husband too because he has to meet BIL's expectations. BIL would even listen in on our marital affairs and COMMENT! I couldn't believe his audacity!<br />
I told husband that BIL was not a child and not disabled and he was enabling that idiot to suck the life out of us. I also told him I didn't feel one iota of guilt for making the BIL get out. BIL was angry that I split up the happy twosome, but too bad. I didn't care and I still don't.<br />
Where is BIL now? Oh, he's living off of their cousin! The cousin has a longterm girlfriend. I wonder how long she's going to put up with the BIL? <br />
I just know that it is solidly drilled into my husband's head that I will never, ever, under any circumstances live with the BIL again, I will choose divorce first, because my husband has to make sure that OUR life together is sane and peaceful and I come first no matter what. <br />
When brother's do this type of stuff it's a sick codependency thing. It's like they are afraid to part even if they don't get along. That's the only thing I can come up with.

That's a tough one. I have a feeling, if you don't Get this leech out of your life BEFORE you commit to the brother, you are gonna be stuck with him. I don't believe in ultimatums, but I think it would be wise to tell your future husband exactly how concerned you are, and let him know, if the brother is still hanging on, the marriage will never work!