My Dead Husband Is The Lucky One

It was always my oldest son and I. I though he could do anything. I took him every where with me. Even though we spent all this time together he never thought of me as his best friend or confided in me, just kept to himself. His father died when he was 12 and  now he is 16 almost 17th. I always loved my parents but I want my children to be open and honest with me. My oldest son is out of control. I truely hate being in the same room or house with him. I go and visit his father grave and cry that it is not me buried there. If I say the sky is blue he swears it is white. He wants to fight and lie about how horrible his life is. He is running away, wants to do everything the hard way. Some of it is just being a teenage and not knowing if you want to be a child or an adult. But some of the things I would never dream of doing. I am just at the end of my rope. No one is counting the days tell he is out of my house. My two younger sons hate having him around because they say we as a family spend all our time fixing him.  What do you do where do you go. I never planned on not having his father here to help me. So what should i do?
kandikain648 kandikain648
31-35
5 Responses Aug 1, 2010

Some people are just total jerks. You meet them all the time. Sometimes you give birth to one. I've got one normal, well adjusted son (18), and another who is just a **** (16). He's thought of as the most wonderful child in the world outside the home, on the honor roll in grade 11...at home, he's the most selfish, antagonizing, manipulative person I've ever met. Never met someone with such an outrageous sense of entitlement. He regularly flips out, punches holes in the walls, basically has the temper tantrums of a two year old, but with the body of a strong 16 year old. He's been like this pretty much since birth. If he weren't my son I would totally write him off as just another *******. Not that easy though. He's my kid, I still do what I can to help him. I work hard. I want to send him to the best university, I want to impart important life lessons to him. I work hard to provide him with these things but he treats me like crap. I love him because that's the way it works, but at the same time I totally hate him and frequently wish I stopped at one kid. the idea was to have two close together so they could be friends. that backfired.

kids make mistakes. no matter what you should love them. some kids show their love different.

Ummm... I don't mean to bother you, but sometimes kids act out this way because they experienced some sort of trauma and are afraid to talk about it because it makes them feel ashamed or guilty. Most of the time it has to do with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse that may have occured as a result of one of your previous relationships or someone close to the family.<br />
<br />
It could also be that he's grieving, and he sees anyone who comes along as an interloper in your family. <br />
<br />
He may blame you for what happened in either case. He needs therapy.

I am not going to add a comment judging you or telling you how to live your life. I too have a child whose greatest desire is to make the rest of the family miserable. I think that you should give yourself and your other children a break and go on vacation without him. Pick a place that you know he does not want to go. Tell him he'd be happier off with grandma or auntie or a neighbor( people who love you will understand that you need a break). As he likes to get into trouble---he can not be by himself. Or-if that is not feasible----send him to a camp during a school break so the other members of the family can get a rest. Your other children deserve some happiness and some happy memories.

hi. im really sorry to hear about your situation... and i really hope that you will read through my whole comment, not quit reading it because you are fed up halfway through, because remember, i posted a comment because i want to help you and your family. first of all, it seems that your son is not causing any serious trouble?? by that i mean not breaking into stores etc. you also said your husband died when he was 12. was he ever as depressed as he is now before he died? it sounds as if he needs as much help to go out into the real world as much as you do. our children will not be honest with us if we are not with them. we say that we need to earn their trust, but they need to earn ours as well. did you hide something from him when his father was sick?<br />
i tried standing in his position after you wrote yours: this is you... lost a husband, can't control a 16 year old, not knowing what to do. i know you must be thinking that his father's loss was years ago and he should be over it etc... although the sorrow fades within time, if you were not there to share thoughts, comfort him, ask him questions... he will always feel doubtful. and if you do not help him soon, he is not going to have a life. by helping him you need to help yourself. and the only way to do that is by understanding him. have you ever tried standing in his position??<br />
i tried and i understood, i felt his pain and as well as your pain. think back to when he was little way back then... you took him everywhere, did he always enjoy that?? did you ask him questions about certain stuff to make him trust you?? stand in his position from when he was a small child, through everything, up until now. don't think about yourself while doing this, be your son. 16-17 is still young, they still need parents. they still need to be taught, and they still need comforting. everyone does. i can't tell you what i felt when i tried standing in his shoes, because it is what i felt annd he is not my son...good luck