Post

Shame

I deserve to die. I knew it as soon as Emma was born. Her excessive crying was enough to push me over the edge. I felt anger and shame, an overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me as i contemplated giving her up for adoption. My husband was too busy to notice, or even care. I tried to talk to him, he just couldn't hear me over his increasing stress. We were renting out a two room apartment in Jefferson, GA. Our landlord was threatening to kick us out. My husband Mark was so infuriated at this, and did the opposite of the right thing to do. He took a swing at this little lady, she went sailing out of the room, and dialed the cops, she lied to make it seem as if my husband had gone utterly mad and tried to beat us both. They came and took Mark. I was sobbing, and he was still yelling at the landlady, (her name was Rachel, I think. I've never been good with names) , and the women had a bloody lip, and the police just had to assume the worse. I was able to bail him out with our hard earned fund for Emma's college. I went into a depression, Mark forced me to see a shrink, which was more money down the drain. Since the day my children came into my life, it had been nothing but chaos and pain. It is extremely difficult for me to feel love for them, they seem like tiny demons sent by the Lord to punish me for something terrible I had done...But what did I do to deserve this? A few months after I had stopped seeing my shrink, I had the "joyful" news that another baby was on the way. Mark was thrilled, and I was nothing but angry. We had taken part in intercourse with each other on a time during of which I should have NOT had gotten pregnant. Although it was a time where I should have been not able to become pregnant, we always used a condom, just in case. But I am afraid little Ashly was a drunken accident. Another reason I do not love my children, I never planned on having them in the first place. They are now thirteen and going through a rebellious age. They had gotten into my diary and found out how I do not truly love my children. They confronted me
Ryuzakiswife13 Ryuzakiswife13 70+, F 4 Responses Nov 19, 2011

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This post is incredibly honest but let's get real here. First, your guy swung at a woman. Period. Is that what you want your kids to think is okay? Second, accept personal responsibility for getting pregnant. It seems that you weren't on birth control, or you would have stated, and yet, somehow, you're surprised by the last pregnancy? Really? How is this shocking? Condoms break or slip off all the time, though how you can't tell the latter is beyond me. **** happens. Your kids are not the problem here. I can sympathize with someone who thought they were making the right choice, but someone who seemed to have done it out of ignorance or to appease someone else, then wants to whine that it's not a fairytale? Nope.

My parents were arguing back in the day when I was about 14 over the phone, the land-line kind we all remember when you could pick up and hear the conversation going on a different phone in the same house. It happened something to the effect of, they were arguing over custody (they were divorcing at the time) and they were arguing who had to take me, neither of them wanted to. I confronted them about it, and they both downplayed not the fact that they had done it, but just went on to assume I was making a big deal about it, and invalidated my feelings.<br />
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I'm 29 now, and I am going to be honest, I have wonderful and obedient children who are amazing and smart and like little rays of sunshine, and I absolutely hate them, and I wish that they had never been born. I did plan them too, I thought that I would love them, but I can't stand to be near them.

I'm sorry to hear how it feels that everyone is against you. It really sucks that not even your husband can hear your pain. Perhaps it will be good that your daughters found out that motherhood wasn't/isn't easy for you, and they will at least learn to NOT let themselves get pregnant unless they are willing to face the consequences. Try not to let what they say to you get you more depressed. I hear that teenagers lack frontal lobe development in the brain that most of us adults already possess when we hit 25. Someday they will be out of your house and hopefully realize how much harder it is to be a mom when you don't want to be.

Wow. I'm not really sure what to say.<br />
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They were probably upset to learn that you don't love them, since "Parents love their children with ecstatic devotion" is one of our big cultural props. On the other hand, some part of them probably knew it already.<br />
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I'm not quite sure where you're going with the stuff about the landlandy. Do you just mean that this state of constant chaos has been going on for a long time? If so, I hear you on that.<br />
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You don't mention exactly what's going on with your daughters that's making life so awful. Maybe more details would let the group be more helpful. Without that -- well, I hope things get better for all four of you. Always that.