I Can't Be His Mother Anymore

You have never experienced my child. Do you think mental health issues start at 18 when people are adults? Do you think people who are criminals only come from bad backgrounds and their psychosis starts when grown? Crazy people come from some where, brain surgeon. I am not blind, stupid and in denial. I get him as much help as money can buy. Special camps, doctors, mentors, counselors,specialists, you name it. the school has commended me on the hard work we put into him. the probation department said he would have been in juvenile hall long ago if we did not keep fighting for him. My main job now is to protect his sisters. So, if you want him, I challenge you to step up to the plate and be a mentor. People like you whine and complain a lot but are real lazy when it comes to making change and a difference. I find little value in the words of a do nothing. good luck with that.

thank you for your kind words. Everyday is a new day with him. Some days are fine and others simply explosive. It comes in waves. His teachers and school are fed up with him and are discussing placing him in isolated special ed classes away from the main stream with a small group of students in one room all day so they can control them and confine their crazy to that room. He understands the seriousness of this. He actually started shaping up at school and has been suspended and sent out of class a lot more. But at home he still explodes once a week. the other day he started waking everyone in the house super early and banging and messing up the walls and furniture. His father simply tied him up to restrain him. After about 30 minutes of violent thrusts and crying. he simply gave up, listened, had a conversation with me and fell asleep. I kept him home on a "mental health day" but how many days of work can we give up to him. I would like to think I would never put him in foster care and in my calmer moments would not think of it, but it pushed to the edge long enough and far enough I may have to. We are looking into out of state camps. Dr. phil featured one on his show for troubled youth. $20K a month, $240K a year, no financial assistance. Who can afford this!!!!! We keep trying.

Hi Francis, until someone has a child like this they can never understand what we tolerate and go through. All the ignorant comments people make are of little consequence because they offer no meaningful solutions. If your son is hitting you GET OUT. Either call the police, get a restraining order, or if you rent, just leave. My mom is 82 and her son (my brother) is like my and your son. She is ready to either get a restraining order or just leave her own house and move away. She is afraid to make him mad or upset him, she feels unsafe, etc. I have called the police numerous times but she tells them nothing happened and won't help herself. The police say there is nothing they can do unless she tells them what happened. She is still healthy and strong and runs her own business so I could not take power of attorney and kick my brother out because she is capable of mentally and physically taking care of herself. She was getting angry with me for calling the police even though she completely agrees my brother is a menace and wishes he would leave for good. So her solution is to just buy another house and move out. Not everyone has that option.

When the troublesome kids becomes the abusive adult then you must draw the line to keep yourself safe. His bad behaviors when a child are your responsibility to address, seek help for him and help him grow and develop. But once he is an adult and he still choses to engage in self-destructive behavior and destroy the relationships around him - it is time for you to cut the umbilical cord. I truly believe tough love is warranted in your case. He is a full grown adult, if he lives off you and bites the hand that feeds him he needs to get a dose of reality that you do not have to live like that. I live in San Francisco which is full of homeless people. I have theory about them - they are not homeless because they are unemployed or down on their luck, they are homeless because no other human being will tolerate them. Either they are abusive, do drugs and steal from family members or are generally malicious and unlovable. I know lots of husbands or adults that are unemployed or never want to work but they are pleasant and helpful. Family members will support and tolerate someone like that. My mom would care for my brother forever if he were pleasant and helped out a little. But they are not pleasant and need to learn to live on their own. My brother is hated, his wife who divorced him 4 years ago still has a restraining order on him, 2 of his 3 kids had restraining orders against him - as adults in their late 20s. I despise him, my mother hates him but fears him and he has no friends or positive relationships to speak of. He would be absolutely homeless but for the kindness of my mother which is wearing thin. He is one 911 call from being completely homeless. If you can reach your son suggest counseling for both of you and anger management for him. If you feel unsafe stop paying the bills and move out. All I know is you need to get away or you will never have a life. He will suck the life from you, you will be dead and he will move on to his next soul to devour.

Some people, like our sons, have no impulse control and get out of hand. I describe it like a rock rolling downhill. My son knows what he is doing is wrong, he gets his over reaction is inappropriate but once the train leaves the emotional station he cannot get control of it. After his outbursts I can see he feels a little ashamed - never says sorry - but none the less wants to do better. I find that when he says he hates me and starts crying if I hug him it stops the train and gives him pause to control himself. I am not sure that works with a 24 year old man but if love does not work - TOSS HIS *** OUT.

Actually, all modern psychologists have determined that the environment and the parents shape the child, children are born a blank slate, to the uninformed. This woman and her husband are fully 100% to blame for the state of this child. Sorry, but this is coming from someone that has the same doctorate as Dr. Phil and like most of the pscyhology community, we consider Dr. Phil to be a Pseudo "psychologist" so good luck with that, a simple google search would have revealed that for you.

See this is the problem, you have parents having kids that don't understand the very basics about human psychology and then when they do a horrible job parenting and get lost in their jobs, they try to blame EVERYTHING else including the child, well this is considered a condition. IT means the MOTHER is sick, not the child.

Enjoy, you guys messed him all up, now deal with it like REAL parents you make me sick to my stomache, and this is exaclty what my mother did, I cut her out, made my money, and I do not talk to ANY of them anymore. They also phsycially abused me as a child, which, from the sound of your son's behavior, is probably one of his issues as well.

Child abuser.

Wow, now we see your true colors, mommy issues huh.? Nah, I don't abuse my kid. Sometimes I wish I could just whack him, but its not in me. Well if your theory holds correct then every upstanding parent would produce good kids and every bad parent would produce bad kids. Sorry it does not work that way in the real world. So explain why my other 3 kids are smart, happy, well adjusted, get along, love their mother, make me cards every day, cook me breakfast, wash my car and dog for my birthday, etc. My 19 year old, who goes to college, told me he never wants to leave and is almost 20, makes good money and is free to go when ever he wants. He can stay with me as long as he wants. We are discussing buying a bigger house so his family, could move in and we all live together. He has zero criminal record, no substance abuse, never been abused and is a really happy nice educated young men who plays piano and studies a lot. I have no complaints. Even during his teen years he was very little trouble and the worse thing he ever did was smoke a little pot when he was 16 or sneak a girl in the house. Sounds like you have some serious mental health issues, can't get over some sort of sick rejection from your mom and suffer from some sort of anti-social or envy issues. Don't know you well enough or who "ANY of them" are. But obviously your individual story is no where near mine. Yours is pretty sick actually. there are meds for that. In my son's moments of clarity, when the crazy is not bouncing around in his head, he tells me he loves me and thanks me for loving him and trying to get him help. He realizes that there is something wrong with the way he thinks, (he just got suspended for refusing to stop drawing guns on his school work after the connecticut shootings). We are big anti gun people and never let him have one as a toy. So maybe that is where that comes from. Although his brother is fine. In his moments of clarity, he wants help. He wants to try new programs. As he told the psychiatrist the other day when asked why he did not speak and did not want to be there, he said "I understand why I am here. If I did not want to be here I would not be here. I am listening and learning." The light bulb went on for me. He wants help. And he is right, he could have decided not to walk to the car to me after school and ran off or just plain refused to go in, as he has done at other programs he did not like and found "retarded." So we keep trying and seeing what works. So as much as you wish and want to project child abuser on me, Sorry, just can't see it. Even my son who is 14 now does not see it that way. I asked him to describe me and his words were "kind and loves me no matter what." See, even though I am frustrated and at my wits end with him, I do not let him know that. I do not let him know my worries and thoughts. I protect him and he feels loved. I can say this, over the last year since I posted this he has gotten better and better. he picked up new crazy behaviors. For example he now insists on walking on the furniture and jumps from the couch (breaking the back) to the recliner, then ottoman up on the dining room table to the stools then kitchen counter. I patiently tell him to stop. You do not beat children you manage them. I removed some of the furniture and repositioned the rest. he cannot do this anymore. What would possess a person to insist they walk on furniture I do not know or can I begin to understand his 50 shades of crazy, but I manage him. No need to beat him.

Good luck with your mother. My family is at least happy and well put together. My son will find his way and decide what he wants in life soon enough.

With all due respect, you would be a lot more believable in your claims of being a psychologist (even in a virtual world) if you learned to spell. Psychology is all unproven (and often contradictory) theories, anyhow. And I should know because I have a doctorate AND a PhD, AND whatever the next qualification above that is called. Either that or I've spent the majority of my life as a so-called patient in various mental asylums. One of the two but I can't properly remember which.....too many mind-altering drugs I guess

Tell me about the program. A friend of mine mentioned she knew a kid way worse than mine that just needed to be taken out of the 9-5 box and expectations. These types of kids cannot be forced into desks and offices. He volunteered with the national forestry with some program then got hired. He got real good job and now as an adult is a professional wilderness guide in the Alaskan tundra and is doing well. I have been trying to find my sons "thing". So I have signed him for every sport known to man, windsurfing, sailing (he is certified), boxing, capoiera, but we are trying to find the one activity that he just thrives at that may give him focus and peroxide. I was thinking extreme fishing or a wilderness program. We even have thought of a monastery if Kung fu monks!

He always seems at war with himself. He wants to be good and tries. He will feel bad for what he's done and hug his brother, but the minute you tell him he cannot have a $100 watch or some other crazy demand he starts to lose it.

Most children that have parents like you end up being disturbed individuals, do I hear another adam lanza brewing? Hmmm... GO study how horrible his parents were and maybe you'll learn something.

Wow, you read way too much into it. Your Personal issues are peeking through perhaps? No one treats him like the devil. Sounds like you have some family issues you need to clear up yourself. Thank you for your professional opinion. It was a real value added, but you can keep your 2 cents.

It took hours of crying for me, to type the words "I hate my child" into google and click on this page.

Then, I read your story and I am shocked, how much you and your family have to bear. Reading this made me realise, my son is maybe just angry and/ or depressed causing his spiteful outbursts against me. But, in comparison to your son, he loves animals and is normally very polite and nice to strangers, his grandma and other people in general. He just seems to be very angry with me and his sister, whom he tells he loves her, too. Between hiting and biting her, that is. I am waiting for 3 years for an appointment with a professional but living in Ireland everything just seems endless and hopeless and I am on medication by now myself.

Just writing this, probably making no sense at all to anyone, has helped me a lot and gave me hopefully a bit more strength to try and have patience and compassion for him.

I so hope for you and you family you will find a solution and peace. Praying for you, S.