I Don't Hate My Child, But I Fear I Might End Up Like That..

I don't talk about this much, but lately I am in tears and I need to tell someone about this, anyone. When I got pregnant, I was 16 years old. I never wanted kids. I kept her because I felt like getting an abortion or putting her up for adoption would be taking the easy way out and that it was my responsibility to keep her because I made her. I thought I was ready to raise a child, but what teenager is really ready to care for someone else when they can't even care for themselves? When my daughter (I'll call her N) was born, I tried to breast-feed. I had a severe sinus infection and would wake up in the middle of the night because I'd stop breathing. She would not latch on and a few days later, I had to take medication and stop trying to breast feed. By day 6 of bringing her home, I was running on 2 hours of sleep, trying to take care of a newborn by myself. Her father has never been in the picture. I was so frustrated and tired and angry. It all went spiraling down from there.

Fast forward a few years. She's almost 5 now, and I can't handle her. She screams and throws herself down on the ground when I tell her or even ask her to do something or clean up a mess she made. She does this when I tell her no, or to wait, or it's time for bed. She is screaming all day every single day. She bites herself or hits herself when she's upset. She has told me twice that she hates me and always says that nobody likes her or that I hate her. I find myself not wanting anything to do with her. It hurts me and I know it hurts her. I'm in tears a lot of the time because I am so overwhelmed and I am starting to hate my own child. It's so wrong and I never thought I could even have some of the thoughts I've had. Last night I broke down and even thought I wish she were never born. But I don't want to think that way. I want to have the relationship with my child that I see my friends having with theirs. I don't know how it's gotten like this, but I feel like I have utterly failed as a parent and I don't know how to fix it or if I even can. I don't want to hate N or have thoughts like those I had last night. I want to be a good mother but at the same time I don't want to be a mother at all. I wish she would just listen to me and not scream so much, not be so ungrateful, not be so hateful. But maybe I'm asking too much.

I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel so guilty about my feelings towards her. I feel like the worst mother in the world and no one I seem to know has ever felt like I do. What have I done wrong? I don't know.. But I don't want to end up hating her for real.
Axele Axele
22-25, F
5 Responses Dec 17, 2012

I read your story and completely understand you. I too never wanted children. Years went by and then suddenly i found myself in a really big need of a child. I chose my partner just to have a child though there alot of love too and still is. But the thing is, my son is getting 3 in couple of months time. He screams and bites and throws things. He is very disrespectful and annoying and i seriously hate being a parent 70% of a time. The other 30% is hard work to try to be over my own feelings. I have run in anger to another room saying i do not want to see him. Do you know the strangest thing behind it - i love him more than anything else in world, and i would never leave him by will. You can only hate someone if you love that someone, and it's true. I have now realised something i didn't know. Alot of parents feel the way you do and i do. There are many reasons for that. But usually it's the frustration, tiredness, i have no life anymore and i have not been born to live my life only to take care of my screaming misbehiving child, i deserve better than this, abd you do. What i suggest you is to find your daughter a half a day school/nursery where someone else will take care of her for a while and use that time for resting, don't do anything other than the things that make you happy - this is your time. Or get a part time job - this will take your mind away. It's the every-day-the-same tgat draws us insane. Though a 5year old has her own mind already you can still create games that are actually chores at home, do things tgat bond you together that you both learn to respect and love eachother again. I went to a trip for a week with my child. It was fortunate not to have any tv, no video games, his ipod he broke just before flight, hotel had stone floor and quite uncomfortable bed, there was almost nothing decent to eat - everything was a fireign crap. Do you know what happened during that week? He had no choice than to start counting on me and i started taking him more, well, him. Now back from hols, and daddy is home my son throws tantrums at him - this is what their relationship is as daddy gives up on endless requests from his son and my hard work with him is almost gone again. In desperation i read your article and suddenly realised i need 2 things 1) proper rest and 2) start being me and get rules in place again. And that is what i recommend to you. Get half a day, a day a rest or a really good night's sleep and set girm rules and apply naughty corner or chair or naughty whatever. If there's trouble, corner it is and i do not care what anyone says about minute for every year of age, my son stays in corner until he is sincerely sorry and ready to co-operate or at least behave a bit better. Youknow your child, you decide what's right but be reasonable. And that will cure if not all ten majoroty of your issues definitely.

You need to have your child evaluated for ADHD and sensory processing disorder. Could be she is struggling and that is the root of her behavior issues. My son has both and it explained why he was such a restless baby, eating and sleeping problems, angry, impulsive, meltdowns, constantly running jumping crashing banging and being aggressive. He wasn't getting enough physical sensory input and with the ADHD his mind was racing 100 miles an hour so bad he couldn't have a clear thought. With occupational therapy 1x a week and some super mild ADHD med, diet free of artificial colors and preservatives and more exercise he's a different kid. Life us much better. But you have to take the first step by asking your dr for. Referral to an Occ therapist or child behavioral psych to get her evaluated. Even if they find it is behavior only - at least you are trying to help her. Maybe you need to make some changes yourself.

Just a thought that maybe your child can sense the fact that you feel trapped being a parent. There are alot of options for you though like the answers below. Also at 5, It's not to late to think of open adoption. So many families like myself that are willing to adopt a child with behavior problems or disability. I would love to talk more.

Can you get any help during the week from anyone else? Can you get maybe childcare or anything? Take the strain off for a couple hours.

get some help with your daughter,,seek out a professional for a behaviour analysis

Thanks for your response. I really needed to vent (The name of this group seems like it was rushed), and don't and will likely never hate my child. Hate's a really strong word. But days like that when I get so overwhelmed I don't know what to do with myself, I just need to tell someone. I didn't really expect any responses, but thank you again.

Keep your head up honey. Don't every forget that before you are a mother you are a person. Don't every forget that self preservation is always first. If you are not okay, your daughter will not be okay. Your children are not going to like you all the time so you do not have to put yourself in the way of her abuse out of guilt. The best lesson you can teach your daughter is that she has to be good to people in order for them to be good to her . My mother taught me that lesson when I was about 10 because I was awful. She let me know that she didn't have to keep me and took me down to the child welfare office . I didn't know it at the time but one of her friends was a social worker and they staged the entire thing. We all had a meeting and they went over the process of her signing me over to the state and putting me in foster care. When we left she told me her expectations. Once I realized that I didnt have all of the power because there was nothing she could do, I straightened out.