I Detest My Oldest Daughter
My mom used to say "the child that is hardest to love needs love the most". I never understood that until I had children. My oldest is 27 now and I have FINALLY learned to say - I love her, it's her choices that I hate.
Connie is the oldest of my four daughters with 3 years separating her from her next sister. I remember that has a child, Connie's favorite past time was to play with a favorite toy with the other toys surrounding her, almost like circling the wagons to prepare for battle or to be the center of attention. In her father's eyes, she could do no wrong, but after all, he was the "fun" parent while I was the caregiver for the family - dealing with the every day drama since he was an alcoholic and I was unemployed. (We divorced and he is sober and happy with his new wife who is great!)
Many incidents in Connie's and my life stand out in chronological order: Me praying to God for patience when I wanted to throw her across the room for crying and not settling down to nurse; her 'dumping' my brand new bottle of make up that I had scrimped and saved for (my family came first); refusing to hold my hand while crossing a parking lot; Cutting off her sister's curls; Trying to murder he sister at the age of 13 AND jump out of a window that very night; Visiting her in the detention home; Finding out she was molested by an acquaintances' son a few years before; Getting her into counseling RIGHT AWAY despite the cost; Connie having a baby at 15 and another at 17 (with 2 different fathers) Sending her to a "Christian" home (when my family is Christian/other) when she was pregnant; Watching her get involved with man after man sheet on the internet and bringing them to her house while her little girls were there; To her discovering my un-detected high blood pressure while she was putting herself through medical assisting school; She being "born again"; Me going through counseling; Connie accepting my apology for all that went wrong in our lives - including the stuff I had no control of; Connie forgetting she accepted my apology by getting pissed at me because I offer advice when it's asked for, then being mad because is's NOT what she wants to hear; Leaving her family for someone else to raise so she can join Uncle Sam into battle; Getting engaged AGAIN after sleeping with who knows how many men; and ME realizing she is an adult that can make her own decisions. She's asked God for his care, I can do no less. I've accepted that's the way she is with her selfishness, but I don't have to like it.
Hate my child? Not any more! Hate her actions? YOU BETCHA!