I Detest My Oldest Daughter

My mom used to say "the child that is hardest to love needs love the most".  I never understood that until I had children.  My oldest is 27 now and I have FINALLY learned to say - I love her, it's her choices that I hate.


Connie is the oldest of my four daughters with 3 years separating her from her next sister.  I remember that has a child, Connie's favorite past time was to play with a favorite toy with the other toys surrounding her, almost like circling the wagons to prepare for battle or to be the center of attention.  In her father's eyes, she could do no wrong, but after all, he was the "fun" parent while I was the caregiver for the family - dealing  with the every day drama since he was an alcoholic and I was unemployed.  (We divorced and he is sober and happy with his new wife who is great!)


Many incidents in Connie's and my life stand out in chronological order:  Me praying to God for patience when I wanted to throw her across the room for crying and not settling down to nurse; her 'dumping' my brand new bottle of make up that I had scrimped and saved for (my family came first); refusing to hold my hand while crossing a parking lot; Cutting off her sister's curls;  Trying to murder he sister at the age of 13 AND jump out of a window that very night; Visiting her in the detention home; Finding out she was molested by an acquaintances' son a few years before; Getting her into counseling RIGHT AWAY despite the cost; Connie having a baby at 15 and another at 17 (with 2 different fathers) Sending her to a "Christian" home (when my family is Christian/other) when she was pregnant; Watching her get involved with man after man sheet on the internet and bringing them to her house while her little girls were there; To her discovering my un-detected high blood pressure while she was putting herself through medical assisting school; She being "born again"; Me going through counseling;  Connie accepting my apology for all that went wrong in our lives - including the stuff I had no control of; Connie forgetting she accepted my apology by getting pissed at me because I offer advice when it's asked for, then being mad because is's NOT what she wants to hear; Leaving her family for someone else to raise so she can join Uncle Sam into battle; Getting engaged  AGAIN after sleeping with who knows how many men; and ME realizing she is an adult that can make her own decisions.  She's asked God for his care, I can do no less.  I've accepted that's the way she is with her selfishness, but I don't have to like it. 


Hate my child?  Not any more!   Hate her actions? YOU BETCHA!

50yrsold 50yrsold
51-55, F
9 Responses Feb 10, 2010

It's sad and hard to deal with a child going through these things. Have you had her evaluated for bipolar disorder. Hypersexuality is part of that. I'm not a doctor and not really qualified to comment but I have a son who makes me crazy and after years they diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. It may very well be not her fault.

The things you said she did are very normal, a child cutting her sister's hair, not wanting to hold your hand, throwing out make up? She obviously didn't know how hard you worked for that and if was that valuable to you, you shouldn't have left it in a place she had access to. What energetic child wants to hold their hateful mother's hand across a parking lot? Children don't see danger like us adults do. Trying to murder her younger sister sounds like quite the "overstatement of the century". You saw a child you didn't like fighting with one you favored, you saw it differently then it was. Jumpin out the window was just a reaction to your poor parenting. Why do you hate your child for being molested? It wasn't her fault and it obviously affected her quite dramatically with her lack of luck in love. You are a huge *****, you couldn't possibly have understood the pain of being hated by your own mother and then being raped by some man. You are self centered and stupid may you rot in hell you ungrateful *****.

This is so wrong. You're all terrible parents. <br />
First off, if she was molested, that is obviously be a key to her behavior. You also probably hate her because you're jealous of her.<br />
You all probably have severe psychological issues.

Id like to say that you can't control what type of kids u will have. They are what they are.<br />
I don't think its anyones fault.<br />
But....I do think certain factors contribute to "bad" kids.<br />
Molestation, not having a father, being very beautiful and harassed for it, either in a good way or bad way.<br />
All these things can attribute to it.<br />
And to the poster who said she would get tested and make sure her kids weren't handicaped.....wow what an idiot<br />
You can't always tell what your children will turn out like.<br />
How dare you cast judgement on anyone.

I am sure you are certainly not a perfect mother yourself.<br />
How can I tell? You are a damn divorcee.<br />
You have no right to criticise her since it was probably you that influenced her to be what she is, directly or indirectly doesn't matter.<br />
My father, though has a lousy wife, put up with it for me.<br />
That is true sacrifice in the name of one's children's life.

@thelaughingassassin You have no right to judge. There are children that are born with psychopathic traits and there's nothing you can do but wait it out until they are adults and move away from them. Either you were blessed with normal kids or you have none...so don't judge.

People themselves normally are to blame for their own misfortune.
She in this case, brought this whole thing on herself.
Don't call me a hypocrite as I also apply this rule to myself. Besides, I never want children of my own. Even if I do, the very least I would do is to ensure medically check if the child is deformed and have it aborted if the case.

nope some psychopathic traits come from over
loving someone really that they become
spoiled and take advantage of you

Assassin u are either a teen or stagnant god freak. Children from wealthy intact homes can be born antisocial or sociopaths. Your insights into human circumstance are both primitive and immature. Ur opinions are philosophically undeveloped. In other words no wisdom in your insights. Must be a joke.

What century or decade do you think this is, Idiot??? It has not been scandalous for several decades to get married and then get divorced. You poor, miserable person - only someone who is hating their life would comment like you did. Also someone with no kids....Go take a major jump

@ 3OutOf4AintBad, before you label me as antisocial or a sociopath, listen to what I have to say.
Was this woman forced to have a child? I don't think so. She should have been practical and logical in planning for her future. Maybe all that sex wasn't such a good idea after all.
Get the direction that I come from?

All her pain is SELF IMPOSED. She had the option to not bear children. She only has herself to blame for having sex and yet did not have it aborted.

@ bonerreneral, are you talking about the author or about me?

@ AuraRio, don't feel bad about yourself if you are one yourself. You are the sad and miserable creature.
It is not scandalous to get married and then get divorced, yes absolutely, but does that mean that both parties aren't to be blamed for their folly?
Nope, still totally their fault unless their parents point a gun at the both of them to tie the knot.
Why do I need kids to know how hard it is to nurture them? I am too smart and know better than to burden myself. :)

She is a failed parent, no matter what angle you see it.
Moral of the story is that "you reap what you sow". If she didn't have a child, she could have saved herself lots of trouble.
Only if she already had a secure and comfortable life then it would have been a smart choice to bear children.

@ ts2432, I am sure you will agree with me that she had the option to have or NOT to have children. If she was in such a financially tight situation, why was she so foolish/stupid to have a children despite high odds against her? She is being a masochist asking for punishment for herself.

6 More Responses

I understand. I had a child at age 17 and I am a single parent of the child who is now 20. I should never have gotten pregnant. I didn't have good parents. I didn't know how to be a good parent. My parents and I fight (verbally) like cats and dogs. My daughter and I have actually physically faught. I know I'm not perfect. I have a smart mouth. I don't allow people to get too close. I am not a social butterfly. And because I am very blount most people think I'm mean. BUT I have never been in any real trouble a day in my life. I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone. I am a community volunteer. I try to do right by people, the best I know how. Actually, I must not be too bad, people are always around me and for some reason kids love me. Go figure. <br />
ANYWAY-----When I look back on my life I wonder what I could've done to deserve a child like her. I was never wild. I don't smoke. I tried to drink socially when I was younger and it was horrible so I just let it go. I made good choices for my daughter and tried to raise her better than the way I was but I guess I didn't do it right. She actually said to me she has hated me since the day she was born. She's been locked up since she was 12, 3 times total. Her history includes stealing from her family, stealing my car and wrecking it, lying constantly, being used sexually by whoever was available at the time, skipping school, getting in a physical altercation with my dad, and I could go on and on and on. Even after all this I can't bring myself to say to her I hate her but I'm so close. I wish she would just go away. When she is around their is always a problem. Something goes missing or gets broken-she's alway the common factor but never the culprit. Stupid things disappear like cheap dollor store silver wear and drinking glasses. She rambles through our things and denies it then is caught with items that don't belong to her. It got so bad that we had to start hiding soda because she would take a few sips and sit the can down, of couse, denying she did it. Yet when she is not around these things magically stop happening. Most of the arguments I have with my parents (whom we live with at the time due to their age and my mother becoming ill) are because of her. No one wants her in the house. She has had 3 sets of roomates on campus and they all hated her. Other children have hated her ever since she was small. She has no friends. She only deals with people she can use. I don't allow her to get to know my friends because she will instigate trouble that ultimately ends the friendship and I avoid her at all costs. I've had to uproot my life 3 times because she couldn't stay in school. Right now I live in a house where we have hide our purses and keys. When we have parties no one wants to play games if she's playing because she cheats and when she wins a game (like Go Fish) she will throw the cards in the kids faces. I know I'm no mother of the year but even I know you don't fling playing cards in your little cousins faces. She is a sore loser and a cruel winner. The worst part is that she is gorgeous. She is absolutely beautiful. Most people don't believe I'm her mother. They don't think we're related. That how pretty she is. She smart too!! But she is also stupid and her stupid outweighs the smart. Why is she like this? I'm not from the best family but we're hard workers. We don't condone stealing or trouble makeing with others. She wasn't raised around thieves and trouble makers. She is just not a good person. I wish she would admit she has a problem and get help. Its all I can do just to be in the same room with her. So, I know how you feel and I wish I could tell you how to get a happy ending but I have no idea. Just......hang in there.

Thank you so much for your comment. I too have suffered at my daughters hand for the last 17 years. It seems, at times, like the punishment will never end! Reading your message it felt like you were talking about me and my daughter. She is beautiful physically but disgusting inside. I am ashamed to admit it but I have told her that I dont like to come home anymore because she is there and I dont want to be around her anymore. She is out having sex with boys, sneaking out, drinking and just about anything you can think of. I dont believe we do anything to deserve children like this. Just the luck of the draw. I talked to a therapist about it and the behavior, manipulative, deceptive and everything else included, was what he said was typical of sociopaths. Not the killers, but the bane of society, that they just dont think that the rules apply to them. He told me that the best I could do was to hunker down and wait her out until she is old enough to live on her own. I also have called those parent help lines and told them that I no longer wanted my child, I was so very desperate, and wanted them to take her away...all they offered was more therapy. Its good to know I m not ALONE! Thank you.

omg its like your living my life really im not a parent but my siblings are all like that its maybe i let them step on me
o my god
there all sociopaths the bane of society
there crazy little **** i i cant have one day with out
anyone saying you stupid ugly or die what ever
i used to let them step on me like some stool
and just got many scars in my hand usually
just for laughing just for talking or sometime doing nothing
but now i kinda learned to stand up to them
with more fighting but less hurting

and one time i ask them why do you hate me soo much
the fat ugly stupid leader said

cuz i was a freak those days of crying hurting just for this

thats stupid and the worst part is shes a social butterfly
who has many friends while i behave and do my best
she gets all the friends while i get lonely
usually she lies about us she says were rich shoemakers what ever shes clearly insecure and makes fun of people
for fun and hurt them shes the biggest **** ever and worst part is i cnat just leave her be nooo i have to be her
big brother

whos always kind and caring
i dont even treat them like a big brother should i respect them i try to be friends with them
i try my best to not punch them
and i just let them do this ****
to me
anything they want im like a ****** slave
and no i cant fight back cuz daddy will punch me
stupid favoritism

really not just them my dad also he was this big shot gang leader i his prime
bringing a bobcat22 gun everywhere he went
please his even afraid of scary movie now his a big shot gangster

just the other week my dad punched me repeatedly
for turning off the internet accidentally

being punched by a 400 hundred pound man isnt fun
at all

it all started when my friend called me to go to mall
soo i was quick

was like i turned off the power regulator i always do that cuz i thought it was supposed to be off

then i went out to see my friends
then i came to hoem to see my bro at the computer

hed be on his laptop with the dsl wire in the room

soo he said that internet was off

soo i was like who care i dont need the internet
got the files here

then at night i played plants vs zombies and painted some

internet was off

soo the next day a electrician came and he said someone purposely pulled it it was impossible
cuz it has a lock
the next minute my dad started talking angrily and started punching me
it was about pride and stuff
and **** happened

cried to my be and was banned for internet

then he said he gave me another chance
sooo i months passed i don't really turn off the computer soo much soo someone called me for break fast then
i turned it for like the first time
with the regulator off then my dad called and said internet wasnt working the i concluded
that regulator must be off

then i put it together
and this happened
"my brother was bummed to have no internet soo he went outside then started to adjust the wires him self then he turned on the computer the the internet didnt turn on , soo it was because of him that i got punched for no ****** reason "

my dads reasons are cuz

i played plants vs zombies

im at the compute all day and night painting and working on my art

he has no proof that i shut it off

then i told him and accepted it and then he tried
to escape me he avoided that and just said we shouldn't come back to that .**** you punched me several time
and you avoid me without saying sorry **** you
i was like that

Thank you for your story. I'm in a funk right now after dealing with my 16 yr. old son who I'm convinced is the rudest, nastiest kid I've ever seen in my well-adjusted, normal world. Where'd we go wrong as parents? Can I really do this for 2 more years, or more?<br />
<br />
I learned months ago, the hard way, not to let a bad situation escalate by getting loud, confrontational, or insulting/name calling. So I try to stay calm yet assertive during our bouts, especially those where I get to hear his 'logic' and professional analysis of me. All the while, I hold in the scream dying to jump out of my mouth right into his face: " I hate you back, *******!! "<br />
<br />
So after todays argument, I headed outside to sit in the grass with my dogs, buried my head in my lap, let the tears loose, and screamed it quietly. Several times. I don't want him anymore. Let's ship him off to military school. I hate that *******.. <br />
The thing is, this doesn't mean I don't love him. These are not mutually exclusive emotions. It's just that hate & resentment prevail, right now. So I find ways to do the right thing, to be the adult and not give him any more fuel for his screwed up teenage fire. I force myself to hug him. I hide my screams. I google 'i hate my son'. These and other 'techniques' give me a little relief and the strength to parent another day, remembering my own teenage years and hoping, praying, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I'm glad this worked out for you.